The Marriage Transformation Podcast
The Marriage Transformation Podcast
Unlocking Relationship Potential: Cody Butler on Transformative Marriage Recovery
Get free training, masterclass and personal help at https://go.bettermarriage.co/trauma
Ready to transform your marriage and discover the secrets to a happier, more fulfilling relationship? Join us as Cody Butler, founder of Better Marriage and creator of the Marriage Recovery Program, shares his journey from business success to personal relationship challenges and how he developed groundbreaking strategies to save marriages without traditional therapy. Cody's firsthand experiences and expert insights provide a fresh perspective on restoring intimacy, communication, and love in as little as four weeks.
Explore the pivotal concept of the "get real stage" in marriage recovery, where addressing root issues is essential for lasting change. Cody explains how unresolved problems can escalate conflicts, using real-life examples to illustrate the importance of identifying foundational causes rather than merely treating symptoms. Discover how recognizing and understanding these core issues can lead to breakthroughs in conflict resolution, creating a more harmonious and loving relationship.
Cody dives into the profound impact of rewiring internal beliefs, introducing his Marriage Recovery Removal Process to help individuals confront and reprogram limiting beliefs. Learn practical strategies for breaking negative cycles and fostering a positive mindset to enhance intimacy and connection. With invaluable advice on personal growth, accountability, and creating emotional safety, Cody's principles offer actionable steps to unlock your relationship potential and achieve lasting marital success.
Hey everyone, joseph Aaron, here and today I have really a powerful mission and a powerful guest that I want to share with you all. So here's what we're going to be talking about today, and then I'll introduce our guests. So what if I told you guys who just really want to save your marriage and this is such an important mission? Cody helps people save their marriage in as little as four weeks without traditional talk, therapy or painful counseling, even if she's told you it's 100% over or she already left. Cody, say hello to everyone. Hey, how's it going? Man, that's a big promise. So I want to read to everyone your bio real quick to let them know who it is that's talking to them. I'm so excited for this conversation because it's such a worthy calling and such a worthy effort that you're doing, so I just want to honor you first.
Speaker 1:Cody Butler is the founder of the Better Marriage. He's the creator of the Marriage Recovery Program, teaching couples how to repair, restore and rebuild intimacy, communication and love in their marriage. He's also the author of the number one bestselling book Cut the BS A No-Nonsense Guide to Happiness. He's been featured on Fox, abc and NBC and has worked with over 2,000 people to date. Okay, you may have a little experience there, cody. Through Better Marriage, cody's helping couples to get the skills needed to succeed in today's new normal. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Cody Butler.
Speaker 2:Welcome.
Speaker 1:Thank you, joe, thank you.
Speaker 2:I should come around more often. Thank you for that. Well, it's so cool to talk to you, joe. Thank you, I should come around more often, thank you for that.
Speaker 1:Well, it's so cool to talk to you, and all of us Americans really love hearing your accent as well. It's just like candy to our ears. So thank you for being on and for your mission. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me, Joe.
Speaker 1:Man. That mission pulls at the heartstrings for me because I literally just had some friends who went through kind of a brutal divorce and it hurt me so much to see because I know that my friend really wanted to recover in that marriage. I hadn't met you yet, I didn't know about this, and so I'm so excited to hear in this interview what you're doing. But what made you decide to get started helping men recover their marriages?
Speaker 2:Oh look, here's the thing, right, it doesn't matter. You know, we think that happiness has a number of paths. It's money, it's fitness, it's this, it's that, it's everything else. But the reality is, if your relationships are not working in your life, and particularly your most intimate romantic relationship with your wife or your husband, if you're a woman nothing else matters. It's like it doesn't matter how much money you've got. If your relationship's broken, it doesn't matter how much success you've got in business or in life. If your relationship with your children is breaking down, it's all for nothing, it means absolutely nothing. So it really is. It's the underlying foundation that underpins every aspect of life. And having gone through long periods of depression and unhappiness and seeking that happiness, it was realizing that, ultimately, that it's in the relationships to where that ultimate happiness exists. And if you find it, you, you, if you have that relationship, you're going to find what you're looking for, and if you don't, you don't. It's really that simple, joe, you've helped 2 000 men.
Speaker 1:Um, specifically men, specifically right, not men and women. Well, I mean, you're helping the man, but yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do Like I do what I do. You know I do help women too, but generally speaking, I you know I work. I work with men. It's like we need a little bit more help. You know, if there's any ladies out there that can say amen to that.
Speaker 1:The ladies are like you. Guys are like ogres. You know nothing about relationships. It's hilarious. So what are you seeing Like, tell me about? You know just the story of discovering how to, how to figure out how to help these people work through the bowl of spaghetti.
Speaker 2:That is a dysfunctional relationship in many cases. Yeah well, it's really solving my own problems. I mean, I went through a long period of time where nothing really worked for me. And it's like I'll give you an example I, you know, I was very I've always, I've always been very good at finding stuff and and getting stuff, but I've been very poor at keeping it. And the example is that I was I was a millionaire in business by 23, which I found quite impressive, but I was bankrupt by the age of 24. Equally, I'd get a nice car and I'd wreck it. I'd get, I'd get a house and I'd lose it. I'd build a business and and I'd bankrupt it. It'd get, I'd get a house and I'd lose it. I'd build a business and I'd bankrupt it.
Speaker 2:It's like I'd get into a relationship and I'd lose her. I could, I could find stuff and I could get stuff, but I couldn't keep it and ultimately it was like it was a great source of, of unhappiness for me and I just, I just couldn't. Really, I couldn't understand why I could get it but I could never keep it and I thought it was just something about me. But it was that desperate search to to overcome my own challenges and my own unhappiness that led me to finding the solutions to these problem and ultimately overcoming these problems and realizing that I'm not the only one man. It's like there's a lot of people out there that are really, really struggling and they're looking for the for the solutions to not just their marriage but a happier life in general.
Speaker 2:It's like success is formulaic, you know. I'll give you a quick example, jay. It's like is there a course of action that you could take right now that would guarantee failure within your life, that would wreck your life permanently and irreversibly within the next 20 minutes? Absolutely there is, and we can. We can see that. On the other side, it's like there's a course of action that will 100 times out of 100 lead to failure, but success is exactly the same. It's formulaic. There's a path and a course of actions and behaviors that will lead to success 100 times out of 100.
Speaker 2:Wow, we just don't know them, we're just not told them. We understand the path to failure and we get that, but we don't understand that there's equally a path to success, and it's really very easy once you understand it. But here's the thing you take any man out of his area of expertise and you're dealing with an imbecile. You take me out of my area of expertise and you're dealing with an idiot.
Speaker 2:And you're great at doing what you do, and men are great at doing what they do, but it's like relationships are not their area of expertise and therefore you're dealing with somebody that just doesn't have the skill and, by default, we tend to go to the path of failure versus the path of success. Where it's no, it's no, it's not harder to succeed than it is to fail. Joe, it really isn't, and that's what I want to share. You know it's bringing, having discovered that in my own life out of my own necessity. It was like it was then the next stage of my own personal journey and my own recovery and my own sustained happiness is sharing the path with others.
Speaker 1:I've never heard anyone say that so perfectly. Success is formulaic. I would have doubted that before you said it. But once you explain the reverse and you're like, oh, if, what can you do right now? That I've never heard anyone say and I've I've listened to a lot of interviews cody, that's brilliant, I love that. So when you say formulaic, have you talked to me about that? Have you? Have you seen as a? Has a pattern emerged, um that allows um relationships to recover?
Speaker 2:absolutely, absolutely brother 100, 100 and this is true. He said I've worked with 2 000 men. It's actually probably closer to 5 000 now I haven't updated my bio at some level or another. Like I, at a very close level, worked with probably, yeah, 2 000 or so men and couples. And, as tony robbins says, joe, success leaves clues. It's like it's very, it's very, easy.
Speaker 2:Again, is there a course of action that you could take right now that would utterly destroy your marriage within the next 24 hours? Of course, of course is there. Is there a path that we can take that that will start the reconciliation process? Of course, of course, and we've seen that. And there there are steps you can take that your wife is going to go wow, that's didn't see that coming in a good way. And there's steps that we naturally and instinctively take, as you beautifully call it. You call it throwing spaghetti against the wall. When we're trying to reconcile marriages, men tend to throw spaghetti against the wall and see what sticks. I like to call it monkey with a machine gun. It's like when men move into the reconciliation or they, they realize that their marriage is in trouble. They're like a monkey with a machine gun. They just go into the room and start spraying everywhere and it's like, look, you're just gonna hurt people, man, people are gonna get hurt. It's like can I share a quick story with you about this please? It's an interesting one.
Speaker 2:I, when I was younger man, I got, I got, I had some. I had a traffic violation. It was a fairly fairly serious traffic violation. I had to go to court and I got a lawyer and we was on the court steps ready to go in and the lawyer said to me he looked at me, said look at me, he goes. I need you to understand something. I said what he goes you are the one stupid enough to get in this mess.
Speaker 2:I'm the one smart enough to get you out of this mess. It's like you are not the one. Your mind is not the one that's going to get you out of this mess. My mind is going to get you out of this mess. So you would do well, if anybody asked you a question or anybody talks to you about this, to look at me and get my advice, and I'm like that was really profound for me.
Speaker 2:I'm like you know what? You're absolutely right. The attitude and the mentality and the mindset that got me into this mess isn't the one that's going to get me out of it. That was. It was a hot-headed, reckless young man that got me into that mess and it was not a hot-headed, reckless young man that was going to get me out of it. And this is the mentality that we need to take into the marriage reconciliation process. It's like if you can humble yourself, which is the first step of the process well, one of the first steps really is like humble yourself and say, hey, the mindset that got me into this mess isn't the mindset that's going to get me out of it.
Speaker 1:It's amazing it's so much easier to tear something down than is to build it back up. I mean you could blow up a building in a second but it takes, you know, years to build that same structure back up and it's wild. So this is. I mean it takes a. It's a more. You could destroy it with a sledgehammer, but you can't rebuild the whole thing with a sledgehammer, so it's a more sophisticated process to build something than it is to destroy it, which is obvious. So I want to is to destroy it, which is obvious, so I want to. You know, I don't know. I just want to go ahead and dig into the system because you know, I know a lot of men, you know pay a lot of money to help you with this. But I'm going to dig as much out of you as I can in this interview. So tell me a little bit about the system, like walk us through it.
Speaker 2:So every aspect of our life is being governed by a program. We can call it a thermostat. We have thermostats within every aspect of our life our weight, our health, our relationships and all we can call it self-image. Right, so you're not going to exceed that. So an issue is like a lot of men they try to. They look at problems within their marriage and they go I'm getting lemons on this tree right now. I don't like the fruit that I'm getting in this marriage and they look at the fruit and they try to change the fruit.
Speaker 2:But the reality is it's like a lemon tree is when is a lemon tree, joe, ever going to produce an orange? It's like you can't address the lemons on the tree. It's like if your, if your tree is producing lemons, you've got one choice you've got. And you want oranges. You've got one choice you've got to chop that tree down, throw it into the fire and plant a new tree, and I don't care how many books you sit there and read on. The seven love languages of women or men are from mars women, it doesn't. It doesn't, it doesn't matter to me. It's like you can sit and read books to that tree all day long. You can give that tree programs on how to be an orange tree all day long, but the reality is a lemon tree is only going to produce lemons and the only way to change that is you've got to chop that tree down and you've got to plant a new tree.
Speaker 2:And that is the marriage step one of the marriage reconciliation process. It's like we've got to recognize what kind of tree we have right now. And the way we do that is we look at the, we look at the fruit, we look at the fruit. And if your marriage is producing fruit that's bitter and you don't like it right now, it's like that's because the root. If you want to change the fruit in your marriage, you have to change the root. You have to change the root in your marriage. You have to change the root. You have to change the root. That's the only way to do it.
Speaker 2:And if you want to know the root, look at the fruit. If you don't like the fruit, you've got to chop that tree down and you've got to start again. And that's really the first stage of what we do. We call it the get real stage. It's like you've got to get real as what the problem is, and it's like right now, you've got a lemon tree and you're expecting oranges, so we tear that tree down, we throw it in the fire and we plant new seeds. We plant seeds of trees that are going to produce the fruit that you're looking for, and until you do that as step one, without that being the foundation, it's like you're never going to get anything other than the fruit that you're getting.
Speaker 1:It's like you're never going to get anything other than the fruit that you're getting. So, to be clear, I mean OK, so this is. So step one of your marriage recovery process is the marriage recovery get real process. So and I feel like you're right, I think most times, especially men, we deal with the symptoms and not the problem that's causing the symptoms.
Speaker 2:Yes, the fruit and not the root. What's going on, joe, in most marriages is men are looking in the mirror and seeing spots on their face and they're saying these spots are causing measles. It's like no brother, those measles are causing that spots. As long as you think those spots are causing measles, you're going to have a pretty unhappy marriage.
Speaker 1:Well, you're battling everything right, All of the symptoms of it. It's a never-ending octopus of spaghetti and problems, because you're dealing with symptoms and you're not dealing with root issues. And so my understanding then is in this part of the system is like a discovery is what you're saying. You have to understand what the root is in order to address the real problem, otherwise it just causes more fights.
Speaker 2:Basically, if you're attacking all of the fruit, You're just putting ointments on the spots instead of addressing the fact you've got measles. There's all that's going on and you're never going to resolve anything. You're just going to continue to be very frustrated and not understand what's going on. Basically.
Speaker 1:Have you seen this? A lot in men, I imagine. Since it's part of the process, what tell me a little bit about you? Know how this manifests in people's lives and like a in real marriage.
Speaker 2:Oh, well, I'll use an example I had in in my life not too long ago. A couple, a couple of christmases ago we was at the my wife's parents house and, uh, I had a big blow up with the mother-in-law. Like, to my shame, I ruined christmas for everybody. But I had a big blow up with the mother-in-law, like to my shame, I ruined Christmas for everybody. But I had a big blow up with the mother-in-law and my wife said I need to understand what she said to you. I need to understand what she said that made you react like that. And I said well, you'd just be angry with me if I told you because I wasn't reacting to what she said. I was reacting to 10 years of me bottling up the way she talks to me and me bottling up some of the things that she said to me in 10 years of how, how I feel like I've been treated. I'm like what? What happened? What the actual argument was about was was not what the argument was about. There was a root cause to that argument that you have to understand the root cause. When you understand the root cause, you'll understand the blow-, up. And this is what's going on.
Speaker 2:I got an email from a client today and says my wife keeps raging over nothing. It's like no, brother, it's not over nothing. There's a root cause of what she's raging about that you don't understand. That's what's going on and it's like we have to understand what the root cause is. And what she's raging about today is not what she's angry about. That's not what she's angry about. She's angry about a lot of stuff and the littlest things are setting her off. And if we just address those little things, guess what? She's going to get more angry. Because she's like it's not even you know, it's not even about that your wife might go. You didn't take the trash out and you take the trash out.
Speaker 2:That's exactly what I was thinking of yeah, I took the trash out and she goes well, it's not even about the trash, you don't understand anything. It's like we got to get to the root cause of what's been going on, and when we do that, we're going to see some success. We're going to, we're going to. She's going to feel understood.
Speaker 1:So when you actually go through the marriage recovery, get real process, you actually finally see, for the first time ever, the real root problems that are causing all of the fruit that's annoying her and annoying you and causing fights and battles like, and until you do step one, you're constantly just going to be swatting at flies or almost like I see, I see a hornet's nest and just everything's flying everywhere right, and the root issue is really like the hornet's nest. You upset the hornet's nest. It's not the individual hornets, it's the root of the problem. And so that's step one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so many of the men that we work with. It's like a light bulb moment. It's like, oh, I get it now. I understand what she's mad about. I'm such a butthead I just can't believe. And it's like, yeah, no, it's simple man. It's like these problems are easy to fix.
Speaker 2:But if you don't know what they are, you know. It's like you can't fix a problem you don't understand. And as soon as you understand the problem, most guys go I get it now. Because, look, here's the thing, right, like I don't like to offend people, like I don't like to upset people, but Like I don't like to upset people, but I do upset people. So a lot of times if I upset you, joe, and you said, cody, you've upset me, it would offend me more than it's offended you Probably. I just don't know that I'm doing it. I just don't know the behavior that I'm engaging in that's upsetting you, right? And as soon as you say, cody, this is what's upset me, I go, oh, not a problem at all, I'm going to change that behavior. And then we have a great relationship.
Speaker 2:It's like you can't fix what you don't understand. That's the problem. And let me share with you, joe, if I may, the three most dangerous words in the English language. I know that. I know that as soon as your mind says I know that that's when you're in trouble. Wow, that's when you're in trouble because your mind is now shut down to any future information, any future input into the process, and a lot of times guys go. I know that, I know that. I know that it's like you don't look at the fruit within your marriage. If you want to know the root, look at the fruit. The evidence is there.
Speaker 1:So good. I'm thinking of not that I've ever had an argument with my wife, but I'm thinking of times where I just wanted to get my point across, or I assume that I knew I'm totally seeing this, and the problem is when, for many of your clients, I'm sure, when they get to your stage, it's more difficult to even have that conversation because there's so many years of battle in that that's probably happened, and so like identifying it clearly and quickly has got to be more important, because you haven't got time to screw around, right.
Speaker 2:Time's not your friend, right now.
Speaker 1:So that's step one. Right the marriage recovery get real process. Talk to me about step two.
Speaker 2:So step two is, once you understand what's going on, is to remove those issues. So again, I'll give you a quick story to help illustrate. When I said earlier on, right like I was really struggling to hold on to anything, I could get things but I couldn't hang on to them. And that's what's going on here with a lot of people, right, it's like they've got a beautiful wife, they've got a beautiful family, they've got it, but they haven't been able to hang on to it. And that was my situation. I couldn't understand.
Speaker 2:As I began to understand, I remembered, as a five-year-old, my father coming home from work one day and said he was holding a glove and he said is this your glove, cody? I said yeah, and he goes. Well, do you know where I found that? I said no, he goes down the road, falling out of my pocket, walking down the road, and he goes. You don't deserve nice things, cody. You don't deserve nice things. And that was the authority figure in my life, that was my mentor, that was the person that I was learning life from, that was the person that I was developing my identity from, and I accepted everything he said without condition, without reservation. And when somebody at the age of five tells you you don't deserve nice things? What happens if you believe that?
Speaker 2:Oh wow what happens if you believe that. Wow, guess what. You get a million dollars, and guess what your little inner voice inside says you don't deserve that Cody. You get a nice house, and guess what that little inner voice inside your head says you don't deserve that Cody. You get a beautiful wife, and guess what that inner voice inside your head says you don't deserve that Cody. In the program program we call it the stupid button. Why do you hit the stupid button? Why did you do what you did, knowing that it was damaging, detrimental and going to damage, hurt your relationship? You knew it and you did it anyway. Why? Why did you hit that stupid button?
Speaker 2:Because there are hidden things inside of you, beliefs that have come from somewhere, that are governing you, that are ruling you right now. For me it was my father said you don't deserve nice things. I believed him. I believed him, wow, and that wrecked. Until I was 40 years old. It wrecked my life, wrecked it.
Speaker 2:But hey, guess what? Like as a five-year-old, I didn't have that. I didn't have an opportunity to question that and go. Is that true? Or is that just my dad? Is that just hyperbole? Is my dad just talking? Does he not really mean that? Is he just saying it?
Speaker 2:Because as a five-year-old I had no ability to you know, decide if that was true or not. It was true, whereas now, like when we say we're going to remove and replace what we're going to do, is we're going to? We have to identify those, those they're hidden. You don't know they're there but they're ruling and governing you.
Speaker 2:Right and like, I don't want to get too spiritual and religious here, but it's like this is the deception, like the deception is it's, it's slight, it's hidden, it's it's it's it's deep, it's you don't even know it's going on. And you've got all of these hidden patterns running that are wrecking your life, that are wrecking your marriage, that are wrecking your relationships, that are wrecking your house, uh, your, your relationship with your kids, and we've got to remove them with the marriage, the, the marriage recovery process. Removal step we've got to remove those beliefs because as long as they're there, you're going to continue to produce the same fruit. So step number two is we remove them and then we create removal. Yes, we create the space to replace with new, positive, On step two.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about step two. So the marriage recovery, removal process. That story was really powerful to me and for those of you listening. I'm guessing it was powerful for you too, because what are the? I think the question that you're answering here for men or, through the process, helping them determine, is, I think, men and women, we respond certain ways to things that are happening from certain I'm going to use a big word but certain paradigms, certain value systems, certain beliefs that are internal, that we've never actually challenged.
Speaker 1:You may not even see that that way of thinking about that issue is there because of something that happened that wasn't even necessarily bad, or what your father said to you. He wasn't trying to abuse you in any way, he was talking to a five-year-old and frustrated that he left his glove, you know, down the street. He paid good money for it, right. And yet the words have so much power and it makes me wonder, you know, what are the things for those of you listening, that are in your life that you can't even see, that need to be removed. If that doesn't get removed, the patterns of abuse or dysfunction continue in your relationship because you haven't removed the operating system that is the root of some of the fruit, as you said earlier, is that right, that's exactly.
Speaker 2:That's spot on. I couldn't have said that better myself, Jeff.
Speaker 1:That's so powerful. And so when you identify the core issues in step one and then you go to the marriage recovery removal process, specifically the removal, it has to be identified. But the removal is like what? Now the men or women but in most cases I know you help a lot of men they're able to, now that they know that, identify it and before they operate in that pattern they can recognize it and change their behavior because now they've removed that from the operating system. Is that kind of it?
Speaker 2:that that that's exactly right. The only power that the let's just call them limiting beliefs or programs that the only power that they have is they operate in darkness. As soon as light shine, shine in there, that the power disappears. Yeah, you know, I, I tell people, I talk to people all the time they go. I'm in darkness, cody. I'm in darkness in my marriage. I'm in darkness in my health. I'm in darkness. It's like we'll turn the light on, then you fall. It's like here's the thing. Here's the thing, joe.
Speaker 2:That again it's obvious once you speak it, but people don't understand it. Light wins every time. There's no negotiation. When you turn the light on, dark goes away. There's no negotiation. There's no question of the outcome. There's no. Who's going to win, light or dark? Turn the light on in your room when it's dark and see what wins light or dark. There's no negotiation. There's no negotiation If you want to defeat the darkness and whatever that is, whether it be a dysfunctional marriage, dysfunctional relationship with once you, once you, once I realized that my father told me you don't deserve nice things.
Speaker 2:It's like that had no power anymore. I'm like, well, that's nonsense, that's rubbish, and immediately reprogrammed with a new empowering belief and it's like guess what I've got. You know, I'm punching well above my weight with my wife. I'm punching well above my weight with my finance. I'm punching well above my weight with my wife. I'm punching well above my weight with my finance. I'm punching well above my weight with my children. I'm punching well above my weight, brother, in every aspect of my life. And it's as easy to punch above my weight as it was to get beaten up on the other side. It's just as easy.
Speaker 1:Can I just tell every man here and this is your interview, but I just feel that I just want to tell every man listening to this, like you don't have to be the you you've always been, that there's a you and you you haven't met yet, right and identify. When you said that and I mean, look, I think everyone recognizes the Bible is the best selling book and, whether you're a Christian or not, like there's some really good principles in it. And as soon as you said that, it reminded me of John 1. It says the light shined in darkness, but the darkness did not comprehend it. But I got to use my philosophy degree at some point. All right, cody, like you know, I got to find a way to make it worth the hundreds of thousands of dollars in investment and so.
Speaker 1:I love the ancient Greek and the word there, when the light shines in darkness and the darkness is not comprehended. Men will really like this. The word is like and I I'm not going to get it exact and I doubt anyone will challenge me on it, but the word is like apocrythea, and, and that's the verb there, and it literally means that the darkness is unable to kill the light. It's a literal battle word and it means when they go to battle, it is literally impossible for darkness to murder light. Light will always murder darkness. It will always win the battle.
Speaker 1:Right, and so that's what you just said there and it's so powerful, it's such a powerful principle. Well put, I love it. It's exactly right. Okay, so men come into your world, they identify the marriage recovery, get real process and really find the root. And then, once they found the root some of which may be in the partner, some of which may be in them then you got to go through the process of the marriage recovery, removal process, and because the things, the operating systems, need to be adjusted and the bad operating systems need to be removed, and so now you're identifying them, you're shining light on them, and that brings us to step three. So talk to me about step three.
Speaker 2:So step three is going to be to rewire, or to replace like you know, I like to call it to rewire your brain. And this is where we take those processes that have been removed and we replace them with supportive, powerful processes that are going to produce the life that you want. Because, look, guess what, guess what, like life's the easiest game in the world, joe. It's the easiest game in the world. You're the player, the participant, the opposition on the field. You're the umpire, referee, judge. You get to make the rules, you get to blow the whistle. You get to blow the whistle, you get to do all of those things. We get to set life up as we want it to be, yet we're losing. How is that so? How is it when we get to make the rules, we get to be the judge, we get to be the jury, we get to be the umpire, we get to be the participant that we're still losing. When we're given everything, we're still losing. How is that? It's because we don't understand the process of having the life that you want. And, to be honest with you, joe, the reason most men don't have the life that they want is because they don't have any idea of what the life, what the life that they want would actually look like nine times out of 10.
Speaker 2:When I, when I talk to men, you know, say what do you want? Say what do you want, what do you, and they go. Well, I don't want to argue with my wife, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. It's like no, I didn't ask you what you don't want. I'm asking you what you want, like what you focus on grows, where energy goes or where focus goes, energy flows, whatever you focus on grows. And it's like you go and I don't want to argue with my wife. Well, what are you talking about right now? What are you focusing right on right now? The I don't want is neither here nor there. It's like all your mind is hearing is like argue with my wife. You're looking to argue with my wife and and here's the reality I talked to so many men and they go. I just don't argue with my wife anymore. I'm like what are you talking about? Like your wife doesn't even have to be present for you to have an argument with her. If she's not present, you'll have an argument in the future about a future event that hasn't happened yet in your mind and it's like you'll practice arguing with her. You'll rehearse arguing with her.
Speaker 2:You are perpetuating this cycle. In your lack of understanding of how, how all of this works and the success principles that we talked about earlier on works. You're perpetuating the cycle. You're creating the arguments that you're saying that you don't want, you're creating the lack of intimacy that you say you don't want, and what we need to do now is now we've previously uncovered and we've removed those. Now we need to replace them. We need to rewire the brain with thought processes and patterns that are going to be supportive. Because here's the thing, right? Here's how we talked about fruit, right? What do you know? How fruit grows? Let me let me explain to you. Joe, that's all right, yes, please.
Speaker 2:All things start as a thought, or things start as a thought, and those thoughts become a feeling, feelings become an action and then those actions become a result or a physical reality. Everything starts as a thought. There's nothing you've done in your life that didn't begin as a thought. Facts. If you, if you went and got a coffee before you started this interview, thought I'm gonna go get a coffee, right that that it starts as a thought. So it's like thoughts are very important. It's like we've got to understand what are thoughts that's that that create an environment that we want, and what are thoughts that create environments that we don't want. We've removed the thoughts that we don't want.
Speaker 2:Now we've got to start to replace, replace and rewire the brain with thoughts that the supportive to what we want, the outcomes that we want more intimacy, more sex, more connection, more love, more, whatever you know, filling your blank. More right, more is better, more is good and what? What? Here's the thing. Right, take this away. If you take one thing away from you, from this, from this call today, guys, it's like thoughts are things, thoughts are things. If you think it in your mind, it's gonna become a thing. Thoughts are things and this is what we need to do here. If we, if we can help you put those, rewire your mind with those supportive thoughts and those supportive beliefs. What do you tell me? What you want, I'll show you how to get it. You tell me what you want, I'll show you how to get it. You tell me what you need, I'll tell you how to get it. Yeah, so good, all things are possible to us, joe. All things right. Not some things, not most things, not a few things.
Speaker 1:All things are possible to us you're telling me and it's a little wild. Okay, I'm going to challenge it just for a second. I know that it's true, right, and I've seen this, by the way, in entrepreneurship, I've seen this in relationships, health, all the things. Every act of creation begins with the first act of creation which happens in the mind. So what you're telling me is that you can imagine a different relationship. You can find the things that are inhibiting that relationship because of the programming that you already have and maybe the programming that they have. There's, there's takes two to tango. You can only control yourself to start with, but then you can imagine a new reality of how your relationship would work and you can replace the old coding, the, the old habits, the old thought patterns with a new thought pattern that will produce a completely different outcome in your relationship. Is that what you're saying?
Speaker 2:100, one of the one of the things that we talk about. We got, we got some catchphrases right in, okay, that I work with, and, and my favorite one and the favorite blood of the man is like when your attitude is right, the facts don't matter. When your attitude is right, the facts don't matter. And I'm here to tell you from personal experience that that is absolutely, 100% true. When your attitude is right, the facts don't matter. And, to be honest with you, that's the most beautiful thing in the world, because right now, if the facts mattered, a lot of us would be in a lot of trouble.
Speaker 1:You're so good. I love that. I love that. Okay, I think we got the marriage recovery replacement process, which is step three. By the way, can I just ask all the men here Do you all already see why people like to hang out with Cody? Do you see how, literally, just going through the mental frameworks that he goes through to help men recover their marriage quickly, do you see how these things can shift? We're not to step four yet, but, um, look, if you're serious about recovering in your marriage, um, I just want to invite you guys can. If you're watching this interview, probably right below you is a button where you can book a call with cody and or his team and have a conversation about how they can help. Lots of men have done this. If you're feeling this, like that's what Cody does, right, we want to help more men recover their marriage and we just want to tell you, can you just tell them that, like it's possible, right, it's like it's possible. Can you tell them?
Speaker 2:Look, I just said, brother, like when your attitude is right, the facts don't matter. Well, if that's true, there's only one valid question at this point right? What's the right attitude, right? Well, let me tell you step one. There's a bunch, but I'll give you one for free. The right attitude is possible. A lot of you right now watching this going I don't, it's possible. I don't think you know, the facts do matter to you, right? You're going? Well, my wife's with another man. She's told me she's 100, not gonna do this anymore. She's told me it's over. Well, those are the, those are the facts. And it's like, if you want to, if you want to believe the facts, then I, you know, I can't, I can't help you, but I'm here to tell you through personal experience, brother, that the facts, when your attitude is right, the facts don't matter, and the first attitude that you have to adopt is it's possible, it's possible.
Speaker 2:I talked to I've got a client that I work with. He's a very well and I'm not going to give his name, but he's a very well-known surgeon and I talked to him a few days ago and I said, brother, don't ever tell a patient that they're terminal, don't ever tell them that this is it for them, because what if they believe you? I'm like what you actually mean is in my limited experience as a doctor, I've never successfully seen this treated. In my limited experience, that's what you need to tell them and this is what I'm when you, if you're watching this and you're going, it's not possible to save my marriage because you don't understand, cody, you don't understand what my wife's doing, you don't understand what I've done.
Speaker 2:What I'm saying to you, brother, is that what you mean to say is, in my limited experience of life, I've not seen this recovered. My limited experience of marriage. This recovered my limited experience of marriage in my limited experience with my limited friends. Nobody has told me this is possible. I'm here to tell you it is possible, categorically it is possible, and I don't care what you call it, I don't care what your religious orientation is. Miracles are real, brother. Miracles are real sister, and I'm like, I highly encourage you to believe in it because it's your only hope right now. For a lot of you, a miracle is your only hope. But hey, what? Guess what? We're in the business of miracles. That's what we're in the business of.
Speaker 1:It's promised to us well also and also, you know, I I think, just just as you started this whole interview with you know, if you follow the wrong system and you do the wrong stuff, yeah, you're. You're significantly getting in your own way. If you're working under the old operating system, you're probably going to do the same things you did before, which has caused the problem in the first place, right, and so it's like you need a system that has worked many, many, many times before. Like surgeons don't go in and try new things. They follow a proven path. I mean, you know, unless you're in a, that's what you want your surgeon to do, right? You don't want them like using you as the guinea pig, and it's the same thing here. And your system is principled and obviously you know. It just makes sense to me.
Speaker 1:But I want to go to step four to help everyone out. So you know, now that you've replaced and you followed your process, that you have to help people go through the marriage recovery replacement process. What's the next step in the process? Because now you're operating different or you're getting a different output and then you're getting a different response, because before you were using the same stuff and getting the responses you've been getting, but now that you've replaced that, you're getting a different feedback loop. What happens next? What do you see happens next in the process?
Speaker 2:Well, this is where success becomes automatic. This is where you reap the rewards of your hard work on autopilot, whereas right now, many of us, we're in a position to where failure is automatic. We screw things up automatically, we cause fights automatically. We don't know how, we don't know why we're doing it, we don't know any of that stuff, it just happens automatically. Now we go, now we now we switch over to the reward stage, where we can call it the Midas touch. Right, we all, we all know people that whatever they touch turns to gold. Whatever they touch succeeds. But we also know people that, whatever you know, you could give them $100 and they'd sell it for $50. Those people as well this is not accidental, this is not. They were, just, like I said, just born under a star or something happened. It's like this is process, this is the system, and once you put those processes in place, we move over to the Midas touch side. We move over to the place where everything we touch turns to gold, versus somebody give us $100 and we turn around and sell it for $50 and then the next day go.
Speaker 2:Oh, that was a bit silly. And this is every aspect of life. So here's another nugget that's really good to take away is how you do anything is how you do everything. How you do anything is how you do everything. If you're failing in your marriage, do everything. How you do anything is how you do everything. If you, if you're failing in your marriage right now, if your marriage is failing, it's because you're under uh, you're underperforming. So if you're underperforming in your marriage, you're underperforming in all of your relationships. You're underperforming in your finances. So when we, when we go through this, it's like it's like with me, for example, like we're talking specifically about relationships here, but I couldn't. Once I unrooted the core issue of I don't deserve nice things as one of those issues. Then everything came that the finances came, the better health came, the better relationships around me came, the better business came, the better marriage, the better marriage with my wife came. Everything came, because how you do anything is how you do everything and we're going to put all of those things on autopilot for you.
Speaker 1:Do you feel like between step three and four, where it's like the marriage recovery replacement process, and then step four, the marriage recovery rewards process, where you start to reap the rewards, is there kind of a dance that happens there for men where it's like um, they, they put out a new output and then they, they see the rewards of that change. But sometimes they put out a new output and it just kind of falls flat and so they're kind of trying to find the rewards. Talk to me about that dance that happens there yeah.
Speaker 2:So you have to assume you assume you're that you have to build the house before you can move into it is what we're talking about here. So, for example, if you want, if you want you, if you want a new house, you have to get the blueprint, you have to do the work. But there's a period of time where it's just a building site. There's a period of time where you look at it, go, this is never going to happen, or this was a mistake, this was. This is a lot of work, but eventually that that house appears and then you move into it and you've got a beautiful, beautiful house. Same with there's a delay in nature. For example, you put an acorn in the ground. There's going to be a delay from when that acorn is put into the ground to when it grows, and there's going to be times when you think it's not working. There's going to be times when you go is that acorn growing? But hey, guess what? You can't keep digging it up or you'll kill it. You just have to trust.
Speaker 2:This is where faith comes into the process. If you want to become a doctor, joe, like you decide and you become a doctor. In your mind, thoughts become feelings, feelings become actions, actions become things. You have a thought of being a doctor. You get the feeling, you take action, you go to medical school and then it manifests as a medical degree and you become a doctor. And that's how this process, this process here, works between the, the replace, and the reward is you replace those unsupportive beliefs and identities with supportive ones. But there is, there can be, a delay between when that happens, but when it happens, you napoleon hill said it in think and grow rich. When your riches finally come, they will come so fast and so furiously that you will wonder where they were all of these years. The same is true with your marriage. When, when, when the riches that are your marriage starts to come back to you, they'll it'll come so fast and so furious you'll wonder what was going on, where it was all of these years.
Speaker 1:Well, when you talk about the marriage recovery rewards process, the reward is in the relationship. But just seeing what you're going through, because I've experienced this as an entrepreneur I think the reward isn't merely and it's a big one, but it isn't merely the rewards that come as a result of a recovered marriage, but the rewards are also the person that you become in this process. You literally are transforming people to become a different version of themselves, a better version of themselves absolutely like just to be blunt.
Speaker 2:I know it's not probably the nicest thing to say, but here's the reality of the situation is, the reason that we find ourselves in this situation is because we've been weighed, we've been measured and we've been found wanting and we can look at that and go. So you know, so I'm supposed to go. I'm not good enough. No, no one's saying you're not good enough. Life is giving you the opportunity to be better because you have it in you. Like life is telling you look, look, joe, you can be better than you are. Like you need you have the opportunity to be better. It's not that you're not good enough, you are absolutely good enough.
Speaker 2:But we we said an acorn, right. Well, how big does an oak tree grow? Wow, big as it can, is the answer. As big as it can, is the answer. As big as it can. How big should you grow, joe? As big as you can is the answer. And the reason that life is just feeding back to you right now saying, hey, you're not as big as you could be. Are you good enough? Are you enough? You're enough, but could you be more? A hundred percent. And ultimately, the reason you can have more, joe, is because you can be more. The reason you can have more is you can become more, and this is what we're doing Ultimately. This is the reward. This is the reward process is when you become more, you can have more and you can have more only because you've become more.
Speaker 1:I think that's part of the blessing of any good relationship. A good relationship. Iron sharpens iron, you, you both become better because you get real feedback in a relationship. You can't hide it when with, especially in a marriage, uh, you, you are who you are and they know who you are. And so there's this uh building together, which is so beautiful. It's really, it is a reward in and of itself. That's, I imagine, that's why men want to keep their marriage, because they recognize the value of it right and ultimately, it's this is true leadership.
Speaker 2:Like you, you, every, every single man, every single man without exception that I work with says my wife won't follow me, or my wife doesn't respect me, or my wife doesn't do this or my wife doesn't do that. She won't follow my lady. Well, give her something worth following, brother. It's like give lead. Well, give her something worth following, brother. It's like give her something inspiring. Give her something inspirational. It's like is she looking at you right now going? This man's got a spark about him. This man's got something going on. This man's got something I want to be around. Or is she looking at him going? He's a bit of a sad sack, just to be perfectly honest. Is she looking at is she looking at you going? This man's a bit of a sad sack. It's like, if you want people to follow you, be going somewhere worth going to be going somewhere worth going to be advancing in your health, be advancing and be ambitious, like in this. Honestly, this is why your wife was attracted to you in the first place is because you probably were ambitious. You probably did have direction. She probably looked at you and went wow, this guy's got something about him and this guy's going somewhere and I want to be a part of that, whereas now you know, life's happened. As men, we get the success, we get the money, we get the whatever. It's like we get what we want and what's important. And it's like we get what we want and what's important and it's like, well, that's that's me, I'm good. And you sit on the couch and you pop open a beer and you watch the football game and you're like I'm good man and your wife's looking at you going. Well, I'm glad you're good, but that's not enough for me. It's like there's only two reasons. There's only two reasons, joe, that your wife said to said yes to you in the first place. Only two. You want to know what they are? No, tell me please. It's because she loved the way you made her feel. And the second reason is she looked at you and saw that a life with you was significantly better than a life without you. She loved how you made her feel and she looked at you and said a life with this man is better than a life without him. That's what she said. Yes to that. Everything else falls into one of those categories. Now she's leaving. The exact opposite is true. She's looking at you, going, I don't like the way this man makes me feel and and I see that a future without him is better than a future with him.
Speaker 2:And ultimately we've got to ask the question like are you happy? If you're not happy? How the hell is your wife going to be happy with you? If you can't find happiness, how are you leading your wife to happiness when she looks at you and goes he can't even find his own happiness. How the heck is he going to bring me to a place of happiness? He can't even find his own joy. How has he got? How, if I follow him, how am I going to be led to she's, she, she needs happiness, she needs joy, she needs to see a future, she needs to see something, and this is the, this is the reward of what we do.
Speaker 2:When we do this work, we, we, we create a vision that's inspiring. We create a vision that is worth buying into. We create a vision that is bigger than every vision around them. And your wife looks at you again and goes I want some of that. You know I had a.
Speaker 2:I had a conversation with my wife. We do, we do reviews regularly of our marriage and my wife said to me she goes, cody, when, when we got together and I agreed to go on this journey with you, we both agreed that we wanted exceptional. We both agreed that we weren't going to settle for ordinary. She goes, do you agree? I said, yes, I agree with that. And she goes well. Is the life that we live in today exceptional? And I said, if I'm being brutally honest with you, sweetheart, no, it's quite ordinary. She's like well, what are we going to do about it? Are we going to accept that or are we going to do something about it? We want to, with we want to do what other people can't do. And if we want to do what other people can't do, joe, we've got, we've got to be willing to do what other people won't do.
Speaker 2:And that involves go on, brother, that that involves taking a very hard look at myself going. Am I, am I living up to my promises to my wife? I promised her an exceptional life. Am I delivering that? I promised her a life that she couldn't have with somebody else. Am I delivering that? I promised her all kinds of things to get her to say, yes, she's a beautiful woman with beautiful soul. She could have married anybody she wanted to and she chose me. I've got an obligation to her, joe. I promised her a certain level and I've got to look at myself as a man and go am I measuring up? Am I meeting my promises, am I meeting my obligations? And if the answer is no, am I going to do something about that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think the message that you send to the people you serve is that that look in the mirror. Do we have your attention, by the way, like that? Look in the mirror that you have to do. It may be painful, but it doesn't have to be permanent. Yeah, and so if you're serious, if you want to go all in and find the you and you, that you haven't even met, yet right and restore the relationships that are valuable and important to you.
Speaker 1:that's what cody and his team do. And so, cody, this has been a just an amazingly eye-opening interview. It's very difficult to disagree with anything you're saying because there is so much principle behind it, just like proven principles. It's sort of undeniable as you think through it. And so you help people through this process, and if you're listening to this and you can feel the growth happening, you can feel your thinking and your paradigm shifting just by listening to this.
Speaker 1:We want to help you make the change permanent in your life, because how many other interviews have you listened to? How many books have you read? How many seminars have you been to? Like all that's great, but to go through this level of transformation many of you already know like it's so much easier and so much faster with a guide, someone who will really give you the feedback and show you what's happening, and so that's what we want to help you with. If you want that, all you got to do is click the link below. You'll fill out an application on the next page and you'll schedule a time to talk with Cody and or his team and have a conversation to see if we can actually help you. So that's the big idea.
Speaker 1:Cody, what's your vision for people who go through the process? Let's say you know someone's on this call. I know there's a lot of people that you don't take because you're like it's not a fit right. You only want to help the people that you can actually help, but what's your vision for the people that you can actually help?
Speaker 2:What do you want their life to look like as a result of going through this process with you? Well, ultimately, our goal is, like we can say a lot of things, it's a lot of, there's a lot of things that I would like to see happen, but ultimately is to get your wife back. Like that's how we measure success. Ultimately, is the the restoration of the marriage now in order. In order to restore your marriage, you've got to become bigger and you've got to become better and, as a result of that, you're going to see a lot of improvements in every aspect of your life. You're going to start to see who you really are, because I'm telling you right now, brother, you don't have a freaking clue. You've got no idea who you are. You've got no idea what you're capable of in a good way capable of in a good way. You've got no idea of how much potential is contained within you right now and what you can actually do and actually achieve. So, throughout that process it's like you know, we're going to help you get in touch with that, because there are three things that you need in order to restore with your wife you need emotional safety and security, you need mutual admiration and respect and you need a shared vision and goal. And the problem is people just jump to the straight to the shared vision and goal. But if your wife doesn't have emotional safety with you and she doesn't have mutual admiration and respect for you, she's not going to want to have a shared vision with you. So we're going to get you to a place to where there's safety within the marriage to be 100 of 100% of the time for both of you, to where it's a place of true I can really be myself and your wife can go. I can really be myself, and it's that safe haven it's like. Well, let me tell you, when COVID came along, people go oh, that's going to be really hard on your marriage. I said bring it on, man. I'm like you lock it down, we'll just get stronger. You lock us in, you lock me and my wife and my me and our house together. We'll get stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger. The longer you lock us down, the stronger we're going to get, because our home is a sanctuary. Our home is a place that's free from strife. Our home is a place that glorifies and builds up marriage and love. And it's like you lock us down, we'll just get stronger, and that's what I want for you. And to do that, you've got to have that emotional safety to where you can both be 100 of yourself, 100 of the time you can express yourself, you. We have to create mutual admiration and respect to where you, you have utmost respect for your wife and she has the utmost respect for you. That's the foundation of any relationship.
Speaker 2:Joe, if you didn't respect me right now, we couldn't be having a conversation. If I didn't respect you, I wouldn't want to be on your show, right? The mutual admiration and respect is the foundation of of everything. Without it, you're going to have discord and strife and everything else with it. You're going to look, you're going to, you're going to you can find true peace within your home. And then, and then, once you look at your wife and go I can be myself with this woman, and she looks at you and goes I can be myself with this man and you go, wow, you're a great person. And she goes, wow, you're a great person.
Speaker 2:Now we have the foundation for a shared vision. Now we have the foundation to build a shared vision for life, and this is what is lacking. It says in the Bible my people perish for lack of vision. It doesn't say they perish for lack of resources. It doesn't say they perish for lack of information or finances or access to certain things. It says my people perish for lack of vision and that is what is killing your marriage, brother, is the lack of vision, and ultimately we're going to get you there to where that is.
Speaker 2:What is killing your marriage, brother, is the lack of vision. Ultimately, we're going to get you there, to where that shared vision for a shared life is there again. But in order to do that, we've got to get you to a place of emotional safety and mutual admiration and respect. And how you do anything is how you do everything as you see your marriage improve. You're going to see every aspect of your life. You're going to. You're going to look in the mirror and you're going to see a man in the very, very near future and go. You're a good looking guy, but you're not getting the job done. You got to go. You know. I looked at myself in the mirror and I said you've had 30 years to sort this out and this is the job that you've done. You're not getting the job done, cody. You're fired. We need to get a new head honcho around here, who I had turned into was inadequate to get the job done. He had to go.
Speaker 2:And I know a lot of guys say well, you're saying that you know I've got to completely replace my personality. Well, no, but I am encouraging you to ask the question is your current identity supporting you? Is your current identity producing the results that you're looking for? If the answer is yes, then just disregard everything I've said. But if the answer is no, if you go well, no, the fruit on this tree is not, it's sour, it's bitter, it's not what I'm looking for Then I encourage you to question your identity and say is, is who I am, who I need to be, or, even more importantly, who I, who I could be, am I reaching my full potential? So, ultimately, joe, the two, two, two aspects, that one we're going to. We're going to help you reach your full potential.
Speaker 1:This is legitimately the best interview I've ever done on relationships. Such powerful principles you shared, cody, it's been an honor interviewing you. For all of you listening you already know. If you spent this much time with us, you know how valuable a voice like this would be in your relationship, so we look forward to talking to you on the other side. Cody, thanks so much for being a part of this, and everyone else Thank you. Have a great day. Bye.