The Marriage Transformation Podcast
The Marriage Transformation Podcast
Transform Your Marriage with Detachment
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How much stress and anxiety could you shed if you simply let go of specific outcomes? In today's episode, we deeply explore the transformative power of detachment and its role in achieving unconditional happiness. By sharing personal stories about buying a house and planning a holiday, we demonstrate how releasing the need for control can lead to a more peaceful and attractive life. You'll discover practical tips to cultivate this mindset, improve your sleep, and enhance your overall well-being—all by embracing the idea that true happiness comes from within, independent of external circumstances.
Ever wondered why some relationships thrive while others wither? The second part of our episode turns the spotlight on sustaining fun and kindness in relationships, particularly focusing on the critical role of everyday niceties. Reflecting on a friend's marriage that ended due to her husband's stubbornness, we learn that what many women truly seek is just a bit more kindness and consideration from their partners. Through heartfelt anecdotes and relatable advice, we underscore that successful, joyful relationships are often built on simple acts of gentleness and light-heartedness, rather than complex solutions. Tune in to discover how little gestures can nurture a resilient and loving partnership.
the more needy you are of your wife, the less attractive she's going to find that. And this is why, you know, we're now moving into the detachment piece. Right, it's like. This is why detaching from the outcome is very important, because if you're detached, you don't need it. If you don't need it, you are going to be attractive to it. The second you need it you're not going to be attractive at all. You know, and that's why, like, I want it, but I don't need it.
Speaker 1:I would like for this, you know, it's like I'm in the process of buying a house. I may even have bought the house. Or on this call, like my lawyer just sent me a message and I said send it to my wife, she'll sign it. I may, I may have closed on the house. Well, this call is going on. But it's like I'm just like I'm not going to get attached to this. I'm not going to get emotionally attached. If it happens, it happens, and if it happens, it happens, and if it doesn't, it doesn't, right, like I want this house and I like this house and I think it's a good house and good for us, but I'm not going to get attached to it. If it happens, it happens If it doesn't. It doesn't Doesn't mean I don't want it Doesn't mean I'm not interested in it. Of course I want it, of course I'm interested. It doesn't mean I don't them. Now I engage properly, but I'm detached.
Speaker 1:My goal for each and every one of you is to arrive at a place of you know you're unconditionally happy. There's no conditions attached to that happiness, and you can arrive there. You can get there. But we've got to start stripping it back. Stripping it back. And again, how do you sleep better at night? Well, you just detach from every outcome. If I get house, I get the house. If not, I'm going to sleep. All right, I'd like to get it. I'd like to get a new client today. If we don't get a new client, fair enough, I'll still sleep tonight. I'm going on holiday friday. I would like for the sun to be shining where we're going, but if it's not, we'll make the most of it.
Speaker 1:Right, like when you can just let go of the outcome and say I'm going to be happy unconditionally, I'm going to experience unconditional happiness. A lot of your worries go away. A lot of your dramas just go away. And that's what's attractive. Someone that can be happy in any situation that's attractive. That, ultimately, is what your wife wants.
Speaker 1:I went to a seminar just a quick example then I just don't have time to call it. I went to a seminar one time and this guy was like, let me be your wealth advisor. I'm like, what's your net worth? And he's like, well, I'm just starting out. It's like, well, you're not going to advise me. Then, buddy, like if your net worth is zero and I'm your first no, not going to happen. It's like you haven't. You need to demonstrate in your life the results that you're potentially going to give to the other person.
Speaker 1:So if wife looks at you and sees that you're unconditionally happy, she's going to want that 100. She's going to want that. If she sees that you're sleeping well at night, you know like my wife will be stressing out for the next like we're going. We're going on friday. She'll be stressing out from now until friday about the weather. She'll she'll have sleepless nights. What if it rains? Well, what if it rains? What do you know? Is worrying about it going to change? It is worrying about it going to have any impact at all on the weather. Or are you just going to keep yourself awake for two nights, worrying about it for no valid purpose. You know, just harm yourself.
Speaker 1:And then am I looking at her going well, worrying about something that you have no control over. That's a good strategy, so I'm going to follow her lead. No, I've got to detach and show her don't ruin the next two days of your life over something you have no control over. Be unconditionally happy for the next two days, and I would suggest big statement, but just hang with it for a second. If you're not capable of being happy where you are, happiness will elude you forever. If what we're saying is happiness ultimately is at some point in the future, when certain circumstances align, then I would say happiness is something that's going to elude you forever because you're putting it outside of yourself and you're putting it in the future, versus accepting that happiness is an inside job. Happiness is something that we choose and that we create, and we do that by what we've just talked about.
Speaker 1:Right, how do we release in the grievances, not creating any new grievances today, operating in a spirit of forgiveness, I'm going to forgive others, I'm going to their forgiveness. You know how many of us are in a position where we've done something and we can't accept the forgiveness that somebody else is willing to give us. You know that's a big one. I'm going to offer forgiveness freely. I'm going to accept forgiveness freely. I'm going to forgive myself. I'm not going to hold any grudges. I'm not going to create new grudges. I'm going to start to work towards releasing all this baggage.
Speaker 1:I'm carrying around the grievances, the pain, the frustrations, the angers, the disappointments, the ifs and buts. If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, it'd be Christmas every day I'm going to let go of. If I did this differently a year ago, if I did this differently two years ago. I'm going to let go of all of that stuff and my goal from this day forth is to achieve a state of unconditional happiness. I am going to be unconditionally happy, which means you need nothing, which means you're detached from everything, which means everything that's ever been created is gonna be drawn to you. That's a good place to be and that's where you'll truly see not just your marriage blossom but your health, your sleep, your finances, your relationships, everything. Everything's gonna just kick off in a very positive way versus you know.
Speaker 1:I mean we know people write that whatever they touch turns to gold. And then we know other people that you could give them $100, and they'd sell it for 50. And it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you give this person, it's going to turn to gold. And it doesn't matter what you give that person, they're going to screw it up. That's an internal state. The man that's touching everything and it's turned into gold has everything and more is being given to him. The man that touches everything you know, gives him 100 and sells it for 50, he has very little. What little he has is still going to be taken. So what are you offering now? Right? I mean, she's looking at you going.
Speaker 1:If I come back to this man, I'm fundamentally going to be a caregiver. I'm going to be a caregiver and that and that's where a lot of us are right, like our wives are looking at us going. Well, if I come back to this man, like, fundamentally, what I'm going to be from this point forth is his caregiver. I'm gonna be a parent or I'm gonna be a caregiver. I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be a living nurse, right, because you're gonna need to be taken care of. When she's looking at you in those states and when it's like your happiness is clearly dependent on her being there and her behaving certain ways. So you put a lot of pressure on it. And two, you're not in great health mentally. As you say, she's looking you go in this guy. If I get back to this guy, I'm gonna, I'm all. All that is in this for me is I get to be an unpaid caregiver.
Speaker 1:So when you say it's over, it's not over. That aspect of the relationship is over, right, if you're, if that's what you're offering her, yes, it's over. She's clearly telling you no, I'm not going to be your caregiver. I'm not going to enter back into the relationship on these terms again. Like your wife only said yes to you for two reasons she loved the way you made her feel and she saw that a future with you was better than a future without you. Now, if she's leaving, the opposite is true. She hates the way she feels around you and she sees a future without you as being a better option than a future with you.
Speaker 1:Now, that being said, when she's looking at you, colin, in your pre-detachment state, what she's seeing is she loving the way that she's feeling right now and she's seeing that a future with you is a good thing. She's looking at you, going, hey, I don't like the way that I feel about around this guy right now and it's not necessarily that you've been a dickhead. It's like it's hard to be around people that are manic, that are depressed, that are upset, that are on edge all the time. It's like it's not a nice feeling, right, especially if that's your reality all the time. It's a big responsibility that falls on the person that is dealing with that, and what possible future can she see? But here's the beautiful thing your marriage can change because you can change, and it's the only reason your marriage can change, the only reason there's no other way your marriage can change other than you can change. And it's like right now.
Speaker 1:You know I said all the time you've given her the option of shit or shittier. You know staying with me is a pretty shitty option because I'm not in the best condition right now and I know you don't like the way you feel around me and I'm not showing you a very bright future. So staying with me is shit. Leaving is even shittier. But what other option has she got? Staying with a version of you that she loves, how she feels around, that she can see a bright future being with and we talked about it last week, but let's talk about it again.
Speaker 1:It's like really I mean just to take this down to its most simple format is like we just got to make the marriage a fun place to be. We just got to make it easy breezy. Right now it's heavy place to be. We just got to make it easy breezy right now. It's heavy. For most of us it's heavy, and when, when our wives come around, it's a heavy experience and she knows it's going to be heavy, it's going to be hard work, it's going to be heavy, it's going to be emotionally taxing and that is the experience that she has over and over and over and over and over and over again, until finally we it's not that she wants to leave, she has no choice. It's like I'm going to die now or I have to leave in the name of self-preservation. We've just absolutely exhausted our wife. She has nothing left to give. And it comes to a point to where it's like, well, we're both. You know I'm going to die in this relationship or I've got to get out, in the sense of self-preservation. As men, we kind of interpret that as she's left me and she doesn't love me anymore, when the reality is she hasn't. The reason she's exhausted is because she's been trying and now she has no choice but to leave.
Speaker 1:In the beginning of the relationship, when she said yes to you, it was fun, right, it was light-hearted, it wasn't heavy all the time, it wasn't big emotional tax that had to be paid every time you have a conversation. It was just light and friendly and airy and fun and it's like if we can just bring it back to that then that's gonna. That's gonna be, it's gonna be so, big man, I've got a. I got, I got an sms from a, from a girl like. I was friends with her husband. Actually I was helping them and they ended up splitting, which was a shame, because she was a hundred she was a hundred percent like committed to saving the marriage. He was just so stubborn and set in his ways he wouldn't change a single thing. But you know, a couple of years later she's with another guy and she goes. I wish I'd have known this was last week. Actually she goes.
Speaker 1:I wish I'd known when I was 18 years old that all I need from a man is someone that's going to be nice to me.
Speaker 1:That's it all, all you know.
Speaker 1:I wish someone had told me at 18 all you need out of a man is someone that's going to be nice to you, that's it, someone that's going to be fun to be around.
Speaker 1:You know and I think that rings true for a lot of us, the number of women that I talk to you on the other side of this and go. If he'd just be a little bit nicer to me, if he'd just be a little bit kinder, if he'd just be a little bit softer which gets back to, like, the initial conversation, right, what, what, what emotion are you leaving your woman with your wife with, through your communication, the, the number of women that I've talked to, that just gone. If he'd just be a little bit kinder, a little bit gentler, if he just realized I was a little bit more fragile than he thinks he is, I could deal with this. You know, and in our mind as men, we go no, no, it's far more complex than that. It's like, like, but you know we've got this and this and this and this. No, no, no. It's very, very simple. Make being with your wife a fun experience, make it a pleasant experience.