The Marriage Transformation Podcast
The Marriage Transformation Podcast
How To Fight For Your Marriage
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Could your marriage be a reflection of your own behaviors? Discover how your relationship mirrors your actions and attitudes in our latest episode with marriage coach Cody. By drawing a compelling analogy between marriage and a garden, Cody unpacks the necessity of continuous effort and attention for a thriving partnership. You'll learn practical strategies for cultivating a relationship that bears the fruits of love and understanding, rather than thorns of neglect and discord.
We also delve into the philosophy of constant and never-ending improvement (CAN I). Cody challenges listeners to take full responsibility for their role in the marriage and work on their own shortcomings as a path to a healthier relationship. If you're ready to fight for your marriage and transform it into a flourishing garden, this episode offers actionable steps and profound insights to guide you on your journey. Tune in for a thought-provoking conversation that encourages deep self-reflection and commitment to positive change.
How do I fight for my marriage? As a marriage coach, that's a question I get asked all the time. How do I fight for my marriage? I want to save my marriage, cody. I want to improve my marriage, cody. I'm ready to fight for it. I'm willing to fight. How do I fight for it? Well, let me start to answer the question by explaining how I fight for my marriage and how I continuously fight for my marriage.
Speaker 1:Now, the thing to understand in all of this, in fighting for your marriage, is that your marriage is like a garden, a garden of fertile soil and it will produce and it will bring forth, no matter what. Now you can plant intelligently and cultivate roses and fruit trees and beautiful things and enjoy it during the summertime, or you can just neglect it and it will grow weeds and thorns and it will have snakes and spiders in it. It's entirely up to you, but your marriage is a fertile place and it is going to produce something. So the key to understand is you are never done. You are never not fighting for your marriage. You never stop. When you have a beautiful garden, it will only remain beautiful as long as you maintain it. If you stop, it will start to deteriorate and eventually it will be a place that you don't want to hang out anymore. So how do you do that? Well, the thing that I look at and it's a great place to start for everybody, man or woman, husband or wife is that the marriage is nothing more than a reflection of you. What you're seeing in your marriage is a reflection of you. Now, what I mean by that is an apple tree will never produce anything other than apples. An orange tree will never produce anything other than oranges. An apple tree will never, ever, ever produce an orange. Now, whatever you're seeing in your marriage is what you're producing. You are as much a part of that marriage as your spouse. Now, if you are seeing the fruit of the marriage as being toxic, it's because you are a toxic tree producing toxicity. If the marriage is full of anger and angst, it's because that's what you're producing and that's what you're bringing to the relationship.
Speaker 1:So, for me personally, I adopt a philosophy of can I? Constant and never-ending improvement, can I? And the way I start to find what I need to improve is I look at what's wrong in the marriage, or what I perceive as being wrong, and I take full responsibility for that and I start to work on that in my own life. Now, an example of that would be let's say, the marriage is toxic. I decide that the marriage is toxic. That's my complaint. Well, the first thing I do is recognize that the marriage is nothing more than a reflection of me. It's a mirror reflecting back to me and I go. Well, if the marriage is toxic, then I need to work on myself.
Speaker 1:What toxic behaviors am I bringing to the marriage? What toxic attitudes have I got that I'm bringing to the marriage? Because, whether I'm right or wrong, if I want, let's just say, my wife, in this case, is the toxic one. Well, how can I ask her to change? Like is it? Am I completely without toxic behavior? Of course not. Am I completely guilt-free? Of course not. Now, how can I go to my wife and sincerely say to her your behavior is toxic and I need you to change it, if I'm not addressing the toxic behavior within myself?
Speaker 1:If I'm looking at my wife going, she's selfish then I just look at that as though it's a mirror and I go. I'm seeing selfishness in this marriage. That's the tree, that's the fruit that this tree is producing. Therefore, I must be selfish. Therefore, I'm going to work on my selfishness and to become less selfish. Now a lot of people are going to go well, so it's my fault. I'm the one that's wrong. The man's getting the blame or the woman's getting. It's like I'm getting the blame all the time. Well, what's the downside if you're wrong? What if your wife really is the selfish one and you're completely selfish, which you're deluded and delusional? If you think that's the case but let's just say that is the case how does it harm you to become less selfish? Or if you're looking at your marriage going, this is just toxic, this is just toxic and you take that as the cue to look at yourself, to look in the mirror and go well, I'm toxic and I need to work on myself. How does it harm you to start to look at yourself in that way and start to reduce the level of toxic behaviors or whatever it is? There's absolutely no downside and I can tell you whether you're a man or a woman.
Speaker 1:If you want to change your spouse, you can. Your marriage can change, but it can only change because you can change. You're not going to go to your spouse and say you need to change this behavior. They might change for a little bit, but I guarantee the weeds are going to grow back Again. The way you change your spouse is you change yourself. You show them a better way.
Speaker 1:Now, a good example of this is I decided to go to the gym recently. I wasn't happy with my body. I wasn't happy with the way I was looking in the mirror. Now, if I went to my wife and said I'm not happy with the way you look, I'm not happy with your body, what do you think would have happened there? What do you think would have happened? It would have been catastrophic. There's no way I could have gone to my wife and said I'm not happy with your body and not that that's the case. This is just an example. All I did was, very quietly, go to the gym, hire a personal trainer. I came home. My wife said what did you do to that? Said I went to the gym and I hired a personal trainer. Awesome, cody, that's great. But I'm not going to do that. If you think I'm going to do that, no, I don't expect you to do that, sweetheart. This is for me. For three months, I went to the gym by myself. At around that three-month point, she came to me and said, I think I might like to start going to the gym. I think I might like. Awesome. We'll do that for you, sweetheart. We'll get you a personal trainer. We'll get you to the gym.
Speaker 1:Same with food change your diet. Don't tell your wife or your husband. They have to change their diet. Change your diet, improve yourself, work on yourself. They will follow you if the change is worthwhile. If you make a change in your life and it's a positive change your spouse is going to want some of that. If you start going to the and you start showing up, you start looking better, you start feeling better. You start wearing clothes that you wore when you was 20 years old. Everybody's commenting on how great you look when you go out. You've got more energy. You're getting up earlier, you're going to bed later. You're just loving life.
Speaker 1:Do you think your spouse is not going to want some of that? Do you think your spouse is not going to be motivated by that? They absolutely are. And it's not that you have to go to them and tell them they need to change. That's catastrophic. You have to start to work on yourself.
Speaker 1:And how do I fight for my marriage?
Speaker 1:Whatever I think is wrong with my marriage.
Speaker 1:Whatever I think needs to change within my marriage, that is what I go to work on within myself. That is what I start to work on within myself. It is the only way. This is authentic leadership. This is taking the lead from a place of authenticity. This is you getting out front, being willing to take the first arrow, being willing to take the first bullet, leading the man into battle, versus up on the hill saying you need to do this, you need to do that. This is the authentic leadership and how to fight for your marriage in an authentic way, in a way that your spouse, your husband or your wife, can hear you and listen to you and start to make those changes.
Speaker 1:When you look at yourself and you go I'm the problem, I need to change, then your spouse is going to start to look at themselves and go no, you're not. We both have fault here, we've both got problems here and we both need to work on it. Whenever you point a finger, all that happens is or over here. Whenever you point a finger at somebody, all that happens is that finger points back at you. If you go to your spouse and say you need to change, all you're going to get is. So you think you're perfect, do you Not going to happen? So that's how I fight for my marriage. It's an everyday thing. The marriage is growing or it's dying. There's no in between. Every day is a fight for the marriage.
Speaker 1:Now, leave some comments. Let me know how you feel. If you like this content and you appreciate it and you want to see more, leave a comment. It really really helps to get this content out. Give us a thumbs up, give us a like and subscribe. All of these things really help getting this content out and, if you like it, that's how you can support the channel here is by just doing those things. Now, if you want some more free resources on how you can fight for your marriage, check out the links in the description as well. We've got a ton of free resources, ton of programs to help you out, get to the next level in your marriage. Bless you, and I'll talk to you soon.