The Marriage Transformation Podcast
The Marriage Transformation Podcast
Transformative Journeys: Personal Growth, Happiness, and Embracing Change
Visit https://go.bettermarriage.co/trauma for some free training.
Ever wondered how shifting your identity can lead to profound personal transformations? In our latest episode, we share an inspiring story of overcoming years of unhappiness by adopting a positive outlook. We dive into the fascinating concept of "selfish benevolence," where personal growth within a marriage not only enhances each partner individually but also fortifies the relationship as a whole. This idea is a compelling reminder that a marriage thrives when both partners are committed to their own and each other's growth.
We also tackle the nuances of personal change and the importance of making these changes for oneself rather than solely to repair a relationship. Navigating the delicate process of suggesting self-improvement to a partner can be challenging, but we provide valuable insights on how to introduce positive habits and foster an environment of open communication and mutual support. By focusing on creating a supportive and encouraging atmosphere, you can help nurture personal growth and greater happiness, regardless of relationship outcomes.
Reflecting on the pursuit of happiness and the role of gratitude, we discuss why modern luxuries often don't equate to true contentment. Emphasizing self-awareness and personal accountability, we delve into societal perceptions of failure and the transformative power of embracing change. This episode underscores the significance of finding oneself during life's transitions and stresses that the journey to self-improvement is a profound internal process, bolstered by the wisdom of a supportive community. Join us as we explore these insightful topics and more, offering heartfelt reminders that real change begins from within.
I didn't realize I needed it, and the learning from that over the last six months has just been so powerful. I've had years of not being happy and not realizing that that wasn't the way to live life. I've just accepted that I'm designed to be miserable, um, designed not to, you know, not to want to get out of bed and face the day, and um, that's. That's probably been my big win for the last six months. It's just switching that identity. And um, mr gillis, hey how are you?
Speaker 2:I've been. I'm a bit rough man, but, like like I'm, I'm on the men though I think. So how about yourself?
Speaker 1:yeah, going great, going great back of like. And just the other day we were having a discussion and you know I've had a tendency to always jump in and correct people, um, be intellectually superior. You said to me on one of the calls and I went yeah, I've really taken that one. Took a little bit for it to soak in, but it did um and um. She said something the other day and she was talking about a distance and she said 300 meters and I sort of went it can't be 300 meters. But I said nothing and then she corrected herself and she just said man, you have changed. Just that was that. Man, you have changed. So, um, so she's, she's, she's seeing it, she knows I'm in the program and and she's supportive of it.
Speaker 1:Um and I, I think she would benefit from a similar program, but I haven't mentioned what you've launched this week. Um, I don't think she'd be willing to do the couples thing, but I think she personally would develop, would, would learn something from. You know, going through this process, um, I mean the process for me, I didn't realize I needed it. Um, and and the, and the learning from, from that over the last six months has just been so powerful.
Speaker 1:You know, I've had years of not being happy and not realising that that wasn't the way to live life, just accepted that. No, I'm designed to be miserable, designed not to, you know, not to want to get out of bed and face the day. And that's probably been my big win for the last six months is just switching that identity and getting over a sense of failure in the marriage and being more positive about life, and I think I've achieved a sense of detachment from the whole circumstance as well, and just it will be what it will be If we come back together. It will happen when it's meant to happen and in the meantime I'll enjoy myself. I'll be happy with what I've got. Yeah, is that a rambling summary?
Speaker 2:No, it's fantastic, yeah, it's good. So, yeah, the thing with, like she doesn't need, she doesn't like the couple's things that we're doing is going to be perfect for her because at the end of the day mark excuse me a marriage is nothing more than the sum of its parts. Yeah, and if you're, let's say, on the marriage scale five and she's on the marriage scale five, it's like your marriage is a 10. 5 plus 5 is 10. Yeah, it's like if you, if you elevate yourself to 10 on the marriage scale, now 10 plus 5 is 15, the marriage is better simply by you getting better. Yes, yeah, and the same is true for her. Like, if she can improve herself from, let's say, 5 to 10, it's like you can improve yourself from 5 to 10. Now, the sum total of the marriage is 20. Yes, and at the end of the day, like it'll definitely help her.
Speaker 2:Like some of the things we hear all the time right, is like my wife just doesn't believe I can change, or my wife's suspicious of my changes, that type of stuff. And it's like, well, that's because she doesn't know what we know, that's because she's not going what through with what going through what we're going through and what we're teaching and what you're learning and all of that stuff, right? So when, when she goes through that simultaneously and she sees that actually he's changing because it's in his best interest to change and I'm changing because it's in my best interest to change, like right, the the change is always selfish. It's always selfish. You change because it benefits you. But I call it selfish benevolence and that's one of the things like maybe you could speak to that a little bit.
Speaker 2:You know, it's like one of the things that I try to teach is selfish benevolence. It's like how do we not reject our nature, which is one of self-interest, but use that nature in a way that benefits other people? Yeah, and I think one of the things that that I'm really trying to teach and and bring the change about in you or anybody else really is like this change actually benefits me. It's, like you said, I'm actually a happier person, I'm actually a more grounded person, I'm actually a I'm just, I'm just better off by making these changes and whether my wife comes back into this relationship or she doesn't come back into the relationship, it doesn't really matter, because you're going to, these changes are going to benefit you either way.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and when the benefit of the change, like if you're just doing this or a man's just doing this because the change will get his wife back, she's absolutely right to be suspicious. Right, absolutely right to be suspicious. So what are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 1:yeah, I, um, I think I'm at a place and I've probably I've been thinking the last couple of days, since you, your couples and wife program launched, about how would I raise it, because I did try and raise some of the stuff a few months ago. We were having a coffee coffee catch-up and there was, you know, like the toxic habits and that you know they're just great rules for relationships. Well, life in general, really, I think Life in general, yeah, now I don't want to say relationships, I mean with everybody, yeah, and trying to, and I was trying to suggest to her, you know, and trying to, and I was trying to suggest to her, you know, there's these four toxic habits that that, um, that can wreck any relationship, um and uh, and I, I owned up and I said you know, I know I've got at least two of them, um, on regular display, and um, and said you know, maybe, maybe you'd like to look at the videos, and I sort of went down that path and she shut me down like nah, that's, that's your stuff, it works for you, I'm doing what I do and I'm happy with what I'm doing, and so I'm, I'm thinking about, if I raise this again, you know, am I going to get stomped on? And then I come to the conclusion, just this morning actually, of, well, what the hell? I think it might benefit her. I share it with her, and if she stomps all over it again and walks away from it, I haven't really lost anything, um, and, and she might gain something out of it, and and if she can be a hat because I saw it in her again this week she's like she's still struggling with anxiety about her job and and starting her job every day.
Speaker 1:And you know, that's that's not me, that's just a fear. She's got in stepping into a classroom as a new career. And I just thought you're not, you're not getting on top of this, and I feel, I feel sorry for you that you're not not progressing. So, you know, is the benevolent thing is to give you something new, to try something you know, a new, a new approach, um, that you know. And and if you take something from it and you learn something, then great, and maybe you'll be happier in yourself. And and if we're together, that'll be 10 plus 10, and if not, then I'll still be fine on my own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if not, then I'll still be fine on my own. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Look, I think in your situation, mark, it's probably best not to raise it with her honestly. I mean, obviously that doesn't benefit me in any way, shape or form, but she's taken. The problem is, even though you're suggesting this stuff and you're just taking it and going look, these toxic habits are great, man, it's going to benefit anybody going look, these toxic habits are great, man like, it's going to benefit anybody that, anybody that understood these toxic habits, whether they're married or not, married in a relationship, not in a relationship, man or woman, it's like you're going to get, you're going to have a better life, but the I think the challenge is with bringing it up to your wife. It's almost saying, hey, these, these toxic habits are present in you yeah, I think that's probably something I've learned in more recent weeks.
Speaker 1:like at the time I was, I was probably not skilled enough to present it in the right way and, and as we know, anything in this situation, anything that I suggest is poison you and I think your comment in the recent weeks you've said if you go to your wife and say you're dysfunctional, well, hell, that's just. I'm thinking about that comment and going, yeah, I'm probably playing with fire, whereas if it came from somebody else outside the relationship she might look at.
Speaker 2:It might look completely different way, yeah, but well, that that's.
Speaker 1:The goal really is to bring her into an environment where she's just able to talk openly and and be able to see the benefits of these changes without them being accusatory, if that makes sense yeah, yeah I think the progress in that space though, too, cody, like you know, I've adopted a lot of your little sayings about you know, um, yeah, uh, you know where, where focus goes, energy flows and and I I sort of say those with the kids and around her. And six months ago she's saying, oh, you've got a bloody saying for everything. And I went, yeah, it's just part of you know, I'm trying to reprogram the conscious and yeah, and that. Then the other day I said one of something I can't remember what little saying was, and she said she said, oh, you remind me of that, that mike myers movie, the guru, and he's got all these little sayings along the way, yeah, and she had a bit of a bit of a chuckle and I said, yeah, well, I have got a guru.
Speaker 1:His name's cody and but she, she had a bit of a chuckle and I said, yeah, well, I have got a guru. His name's Cody, but she seemed a little bit more accepting of it that it's producing what's standing in front of her, absolutely.
Speaker 2:It was a positive reaction, not a negative reaction. I think one of the ways to do this is with the toxic habits, for example. It's like the easier way to introduce it to your wife is from the I perspective. I can see now that I was really struggling with this and I recognize that was damaging the relationship in this way, and I have made this change because that's what I need to do. Yeah, it's like I mean you've probably heard it on coaching calls where I introduce myself as the chief dickhead. Yeah, I'll say hey, you know, I'm the chief dickhead. Don't anybody try to out dickhead me, because you won't. Nobody's going to out dick. It's like by taking that on myself, by by taking on the role of chief, chief dickhead, it opens everybody up else up to acknowledge their own shortcomings oh, yeah, definitely yeah.
Speaker 1:When you say things like that and I'm sitting there and I'm going yeah, that was not a great moment for me when you take and this is where people go wrong.
Speaker 2:You know it's like people go. So I'm in the wrong, I'm the one that's got to change, I'm the one that's all the no, no, no, like that's not what we're saying. We're just looking for a productive path through this. We're just looking for a way to the other side, right mark, and it's like the the most productive way is to you're going to get back. Whatever you, whatever you put out, and if you, if you go to your wife like if I go, you're a dickhead and you need to change, that's not going to be near you. I'm not going to get nearly the response from you that if I go, I'm the chief dickhead. Don't try to out, dickhead me and go. You're going to go. You got some competition, cody, yeah yeah, yeah, it's, it's.
Speaker 1:it's an empathetic, isn't it, rather than an adversarial move.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, yes, versus you know it's like introducing a program to your wife at this point is almost it's almost the opposite to that, right it's going. Hey, I think this program would really benefit you.
Speaker 2:Yeah even though that's coming from a good place versus go going. Look, I I've realized through doing this that I had some shortcomings and I had some challenges and I had some problems and it's helping me and and if she's seeing those changes and this is why, like, I think the biggest obstacle most guys have to reconciliation or even any kind of improvement really is like just unrealistic time frames. Yeah, you know, it's like your what your wife has seen a certain side of you for a very long time and and she has some very concrete beliefs about you know what you're capable of and the change that you're capable of and who you are, and a lot of guys they'll make these changes and their friends will start to see it and comment and they go. You know, go. Well, my friends seeing the changes and my colleagues are seeing the changes, but my wife's just not having a bone of it and it's like, well, your friends haven't had nearly the exposure to you for the length of time that your wife has.
Speaker 1:She's got more information yeah, they haven't put up with the dickhead as intensely and as for as long.
Speaker 2:They don't have the scars and you know it's like it's interesting, man, I mean just to throw something out there, for you know, really with the women's program or you know we're not really here to talk about that, but just like I want to throw some value out there for anyone listening as well. One of the first things that we talk about in the women's program, or as a couple, is like your task for the first week is just treat your spouse with the same courtesy that you give a perfect stranger. Just give them the common decency you'd give a perfect stranger. Yeah, there's no way you would say some of the things to a stranger that you say to your wife to a stranger, that you say to your wife there's no way that you would go from zero to hot-headed in the time that you go from zero to hot-headed with your wife, as you would with a stranger. You go there like that with your wife with a stranger. It'd take potentially months to get to that point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:If you've got a colleague at work, they've got to do what your wife does for month after month after month, to get to a hostile response where your wife's just got to do it once.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And if both people within the relationship and it doesn't matter where you are, whether you're just not happy with the marriage and you'd like something better, or you're thinking about separating, or you're separated, or your wife's left you or you've left, it doesn't matter, man, it's like there's really no reason that both parties in the relationship can't adopt that view of. I'm going to give you, I'm going to extend to you mark, the same courtesy that I extend to a total, total stranger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think if we well, I don think, I know I've seen it happen over and over again Like if we do that just for a short period of time, it's like the magic really starts to happen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think the thing that I put into place pretty early on after joining the program was just that simple gratitude for anything that she does. It's just to acknowledge it with a thank you. Thank you for doing that, thank you for picking up the kids, just, you know very minor everyday things, but just this acknowledgement that she's done something that I appreciate. And, yeah, it's changed my worldview in that sense of being just more grateful. For you know, like the guys come on the call grateful for the sunshine, grateful for a hot shower, um, I remember one from the other.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, just yeah, and and, and I find even now you know some of the meditation and that that I do, and you know the guide will say oh, you know, and uh, bring a smile to your face or gratitude in your heart, and I smile like just sitting there with my eyes closed and just, you know, it was, was never that person before yeah, well, I mean it's, it's interesting, isn't it, mark like I.
Speaker 2:I was talking to my wife the other night and it's like, what don't we have? Like, we've got belly, we got food in our belly, we've got hot water. We've got roof over our head, we've got food in the fridge, we've got beautiful, healthy children. Uh, what, what, what do we have that we? What? What do we not have that we would want? What do we not have? And it's like we're in, we're in a better position than King Tutu Karmat the pharaoh. We have more affluence and luxury and opportunity and opulence than the pharaohs of Egypt or the kings of old that they could not have dreamed of having.
Speaker 1:Well, most of them were dead at our age.
Speaker 2:I mean you turn Netflix on and for like what? $15 a month. It's like a billion dollars has been spent on two hours of entertainment just to entertain me. A billion dollars has been spent to entertain me for two hours.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, it's like that's the world that we live in and that's the level of opulence that we have in the West. Yet if level of opulence and that we have in the west, yet, if we can't find happiness in that, I would suggest happiness is beyond you yeah, I, I really take that, that statement to heart, thinking about that you know you've talked about.
Speaker 1:You know we are in this, in this community. We are all financially abundant. Um, you know, we have everything that we need to survive and not only survive live.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, thrive.
Speaker 1:And yeah, if you can't find happiness in that, well you know. You don't need a bigger, big screen TV to be happy. I'd like one, but I'll certainly live without it. I'm doing fine without it, I think that that's some of the you know.
Speaker 2:Some of the principles of the program really are pretty basic. They're very they're easy. They're easy to understand but very difficult to implement, I think and gratitude is is one of them. Really, you know, like people go, well, you know, this is how much money I've spent and you're telling me to be grateful. It's like, yeah, but you're not doing it. It's like, as as a coach, it's like I'm not here to give you more information. It's not about giving you more information, it's about getting you to do what you already know.
Speaker 2:And it's like I I remember I was in the business community for a long time. I was a business consultant and a marketing consultant for a number of years and and I'd go into a business and like the question was not what do you need to know that you don't? The question is, why are you not doing what it is that you already know? Yeah, why are you not doing what it is that you already know? You know. You know, mark, when you say that it's going to cause a problem. You know, mark, when you do that, it's going to create an issue. You know when you act that way, it's not going to end well, you know if you did this, it would be positive. You know if you did that, it would be positive.
Speaker 2:Yet we don't do it. Yeah, we don't do those things. We do the things that we know is harmful and we don't do the things that we know is beneficial. You know, you, you see it with a lot of the guys. It's like give me this, give me the strategy, give me this, give me that, and it's like, well, it's not. It's not about giving you a strategy you don't have. It's really getting to the bottom more of why are you not doing the things that you know you should be doing?
Speaker 1:yeah, it's all. It's all of those. It's years and years of habit and conditioning and, um, you know what you, what your parents did or didn't do to you for you or otherwise. Um private school system that I went through. You know this. Um, that's it. It shapes you and changes you and you inherit all sorts of ugly little habits um, and and you fall back on those habits as soon as you're challenged. Um, that's, you know. I think the greatest power that I've taken out of, out of the teachings and the couple of bashings um that we've had, is is just yeah, as you say, button the beak, button the beak.
Speaker 2:Yep, I think. I think it's a good point that you bring that up, because obviously there'll be people listening to this that are thinking about joining our community and it's like it is brutal, like we're not. This is not. We're not here to make you feel good, we're here to get your result right, and it's like you've had a few bashings and it's like it is brutal, man, it's like we're here to hear, and what we need to hear are two completely different things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. I described to a friend recently what was in the program and I said you know, the calls are amazing. I said sometimes there's tears, there's a bit of swearing, there's occasionally a good slap about the head, but it's all out of love and honesty. People get better. And I said I don't think I've ever experienced quite the relationship with another group of men that I have on these calls.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, thank you, man. I appreciate that. That really is the goal. Look, I mean, at the end of the day, it's like the answers exist within the community. It's like you know. You say, well, I'm a guru. No, I'm not a guru at all. I have some information, but it's like I've brought no one person holds all the answers. No, and this, to me, is one of the dangers of therapy really is like you go to the therapist and you're just looking at one person and it's assumed that that one person has all of the answers. But the the problem is like no one person has all the answers. I don't have all the answers, you don't have all the answers, but I know where the answers exist and the answers, all of the answers, exist within the community yeah, all of the answers exist within the community the um, the coaching call wasn't.
Speaker 1:Tuesday. Night with Rob was a very robust discussion around how long should you wait for your wife to take you in.
Speaker 1:And it got pretty heated, but you know, I don't think we necessarily solved it, but it was some very powerful viewpoints and opinion. Everyone's got a slightly different take on it and it truly is an individual circumstance. Neither you nor Rob or any of the other guys can say, yep, you should wait six months after you finish the course and if she doesn't come back, hike it. It just is not. There's not a black and white answer for it. Um, but it's it's.
Speaker 2:I think it's good to have those discussions and and explore that well, at the end of the day, like my answer to that question would be how long did your wife wait for you to change before making this decision? Yeah, how many chances did she give you? How many opportunities did she provide for you? You know, how many times did she give you? How many opportunities did she provide for you, you know. How many times did she she suggest a course or a program or counseling or a pastor or some you know men's group or something. How many, how many efforts did she make to bring you back into an acceptable place in the marriage, and over what period of time? And like a lot of times I'll get all 20 years, 10 years, like okay, let's go with the 10 years. So your wife waited 10 years for you and she, she gave you your pink slip when six weeks ago and your question how long you should wait.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, she, she. She was willing to give you 10 years to reform your ways, some cases 20 years or 30 years. She was willing to give you 20 to 30 years to reform your ways, and you cases 20 years or 30 years. She was willing to give you 20 to 30 years to reform your ways and you're giving her three months and you wonder why she's not happy with what's going on here. A little disparity there, possibly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. I think that's the sad part about our society around separation and divorce too, is that all the lawyers and all the advisors and the general society is oh well, lawyers and all the advisors and, and the general society is oh well, she's giving you your marching orders pack up your bags and go and find someone else to make you happy. You know every everyone just accepts that that's the way this goes. You know, hollywood's probably given us that vision. You look at the way hollywood actors get divorced and remarried and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:And, yeah, a lot of people and and potentially even my wife, doesn't have it in her mind that it is possible to put this back together. Yeah, that's just what we've grown up to. It's certainly. You know, the view that we learn here and that we talk about is somewhat unique in society at present, in society at present. But I don't think anyone would disagree that if there's, particularly if there's children involved, then you know it is better for the children to put a loving relationship back together or forge a new loving relationship even better.
Speaker 2:Exactly right. I mean, you don't want to go back into what you just came out. No, no, yeah, probably. Initially I thought, yeah, don't want to go back into what you just came out.
Speaker 1:No, no, yeah, probably initially I thought, yeah, I want to go back, but I'm very clearly on the path now. It has to be new and it has to be better, and I think she does share that view. She said early on she said we're never going back to what we had Never. That view she said early on. She said we're never going back to what we had never. I think I think it's. Yeah, it's just for me it's going to be just a longer healing process and, uh, you know it might take well, I don't know how long it'll take it'll take as long as it takes is the answer yeah, I think you said it the other week.
Speaker 1:You know you have no idea how you're going to reconcile, because you've never done it before and it will be it. Yeah, it'll.
Speaker 2:It'll come from the most unlikely angle and look, this is the thing, mark, I mean life, when you're progressing it like we have to become okay with fear. And I'll tell you why because everything that you want that you don't have right now which is a lot right exists on the other side of fear, because you've done everything that you're comfortable to get the things that you want, and it's like if you don't, if you don't have the finances that you want, then it's because you've limited your investment risk appetite to this level here and that's produced those results. If you want more return, you've got to take more risk, which means the returns that you're looking for up here, that you've got to be okay in moving into fear and dealing with fear. And it's the same. Everything is going to come to you in a way that's unexpected.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and that's that's a good thing, because if it comes to you in a way that's expected, it's because you've had it come to you that way before or you're familiar with it. But, like we just said, we don't want. We don't want what's familiar. What's familiar, it's comfortable, but it's not good.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yeah and yeah, comfortable, or even it's just um safe, feels safe, safe yeah, but safe.
Speaker 2:But safe is not necessarily pleasant, safe is not necessarily nice, safe is safe and it's like the it comes down to that control thing. Guys go, you know, guys go. Well, I want my wife to come back this way, I think it should go that way and it's like no, no, just just let go of that. It's like she's going to come back to you in the most unexpected way because she doesn't want the familiar, because that's what she's rejecting. She's rejecting the familiar, she's rejecting the trodden path. She doesn't want that anymore. She wants something new, and something new is going to be unfamiliar. And one of the most beautiful and terrifying things simultaneously to me is like you don't know what you don't know. I don't know what I don't know, and it's like that. That's amazing because it creates a whole world of possibility out there, of infinite possibility really, but at the same time it means I'm going to be operating way outside of my comfort zone to get that. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think I'll put another spin on it, which might be useful for others who listen to this. I work in the construction industry, particularly in the contracts and disputes and things like that, so a lot of negative energy around all of that. But the fundamental thing I've learned over 20-odd years of doing that is you know, we all want to work on a project that you know build something great and grand and makes a big profit for the company. But having worked on profitable projects and having worked on projects that have lost millions, you learn shit loads on the ones that lost. You don't learn a lot on the successful ones. You got to go to that. That bit of pain, that bit of suffering, um, difficult moments and and you, you learn heaps, um, and I think this you know there's a similar analogy here.
Speaker 2:So absolutely success is a very poor teacher. Yes, yeah, success teaches bad habits. Success teaches sloppiness and laziness. Complacency it's a very, very poor teacher. Yeah, exactly right. Complacency, exactly right. Failure or perceived failure is your friend at the end of the day. It's only failure if that's your rest in place, yes, otherwise, otherwise you're just passing through, right, but it's like hardship and failure, absolutely, absolutely is. Is the king educator the most skillful educator in the world? You'll learn far more from your failures than you'll ever learn. It's like a lot, of, a lot of the guys that we work with right on the course.
Speaker 1:It's like they never in a million years would come to the understanding that they have of themselves, unless they failed in the marriage yeah, at a hundred percent, cody, like I've, I've lived and enacted and been risk averse out of fear of failure, um, for my whole life, and it's taken me a good three or four months this year to actually shake that word from my daily consciousness. Like I, you know, initially, um, I was like I'm a failure, I failed in in my marriage. How can I, how can I fail in my marriage? Um, and then you know, through listening to the, the identity exercises, and and working through that and, and you know, I still encounter that word, you know it's there a lot of days. Just, you know, it passes my mind and I go I'm a failure and and that's I.
Speaker 1:Um, I think the most powerful call of yours that I've listened to was the one where you talked about adopting the identity of a champion. Yeah, and, and, really, and I really grabbed that call and um, and that's my, that's my mantra every day I, I am calm, I am positive, I am a leader, I am capable of change, I am a champion, amen.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely. It's funny I've got a friend. He's a big property developer, does $100 million deals, and I was talking to him one day. I said how do you do it? How do you make these decisions that could ruin you? They're massive decisions and not only ruin you but ruin other people and ruin you for a long time. And he goes. Well, most people look at the when. When I'm looking at a deal, most people look at it and go well, what, what? What if this doesn't work? And they're they're processing the situation from what if it doesn't work? He goes, I look at it and I go what if it does work?
Speaker 2:yeah what if it does work? And it's like either position is equally as valid, you have no more evidence to support it not working. Then you do that it works. And he's like, if I, if I looked at the situation and asked myself what if this goes wrong, what if it doesn't work? He goes, I'd never be able to make a decision.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think you know if you look at. Oh sorry, if you look at all those negatives. You know, I've become quite the believer in that, that concept, that law of attraction and manifesting. You know, you, you focus on all the negatives, you focus on all the things that go wrong. Um, then you will steer towards them, the, you know, energy focus, um you.
Speaker 2:You will become what you think about most of the time. If you, if you're, if your mind is negative, you will become a giant shit magnet. That's all you'll become, like we do. You've probably been there a few calls where you know we ask the question like hey, who, who knows somebody that's super negative all the time. Who knows somebody?
Speaker 1:that's just a negative nitty and bitchy oh, that's me, yeah, yeah, you know, or was, I'll say what's got a got a.
Speaker 2:You know we've got 60 men, 70 men on the court. It's like got got a. You know one of these men that's got a problem for every solution. It's like how many people know those? Everyone knows one of those people, right. It's like how many people are attracted to those? How many people are look at that person and goes that's an attractive personality, that's somebody I want to be in business with, or that's somebody I want to be in bed with, or whatever. It's like that.
Speaker 2:That that attitude is just utterly destructive to every aspect of your life, not just you, not just your marriage. Whereas you know we've got we all know people too got a can-do attitude. It's like the Midas touch right now. I don't, you know, I know people that everything they touch turns to gold. Everything they touch turns to gold, everything they touch turns to success. Everything they touch, everything they get involved with win, it ends up winning. And it's like again attitude is everything, man, it's everything like it's what? What it does, zigzag, let's say it's. It's not your attitude that will determine, determine. It's not your aptitude that will determine your attitude, but your attitude. Yes, absolutely. Spot on, man. It's the attitude that's going to determine everything. We've gone off on one.
Speaker 1:We're preaching, yeah, we're preaching to the converted, each other, hopefully, hopefully.
Speaker 2:All right, mike, let's wrap this bad boy up. I know you're a man, so I appreciate your time. What, what, what final thoughts I'm gonna? I'm gonna give you the floor to um. Just just wrap us up here. Get any. Any final thoughts, any advice for anybody who's thinking about maybe joining this community?
Speaker 1:I think um, yeah, let let go of focusing on getting your wife back. Find yourself first. You know truly just that this, this course, brings you into that realization that you, as the individual, needs to change, that you need to find yourself and and and reset yourself in life. It's a reset, I think it's probably a good way to to put it and, um, you know by nature where most of us on this course are in our midlife moments. Um, and and this has certainly helped me to refocus and and find myself and and I think the a quote from one of the other weeks. One of the coaches said you know, how can your wife find you, or even love you, if you can't find yourself, if you don't know yourself? And yeah, I haven't got my wife back yet, but I'm definitely happier and better in myself and maybe that will be attractive to her.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. You've said it beautifully. I'm not going to add anything to that. I'm just going to say thank you for your, for your time today, mark and appreciate you, brother. No thank you.
Speaker 1:Appreciate you, cody, appreciate everything you've, uh you've helped me with. Thank you, thank you. All right, have a good one.