The Marriage Transformation Podcast
The Marriage Transformation Podcast
Rethinking Communication: Unlocking Balance in Relationships
Watch my free workshop: https://now.bettermarriage.com/break-the-rules
What if the secret to a balanced relationship lies in rethinking how we communicate and fulfill each other's needs? Join us as we unravel the fascinating and often contrasting relationship philosophies of men and women. Discover the common mindsets of "I'm good, you're bad" versus "I'm bad, you're good," and how these attitudes can shape the early stages of relationships, often leading to tension and unmet expectations. We'll guide you through an eye-opening restaurant metaphor that vividly illustrates the frustrations of one-sided relationships, where one partner feasts while the other is left hungry for attention and appreciation.
As we explore these dynamics, we'll highlight the turning point many women experience, often around their 40s, when they refuse to accept an unbalanced win-lose scenario any longer. Learn why empathy and open communication are crucial in avoiding long-term dissatisfaction and fostering equitable partnerships. This episode promises insights into improving relational dynamics, offering tools for open dialogue and mutual fulfillment. Whether you're navigating a new relationship or seeking to strengthen an existing one, our conversation offers valuable perspectives for anyone invested in creating a thriving, healthy partnership.
Men tend to operate on the I'm good, you're bad philosophy with a woman and the women tend to operate on an I'm bad, you're good philosophy.
Speaker 1:So for a while it works like the guy's like I'm good and you're bad, and we see that a lot in the negotiation. Right, it's like well, I'm doing everything right and she's just being difficult. I'm good, you're bad, I'm doing the right thing, you're being difficult. That's the fundamental identity, where it's coming from I'm good, you're bad, I'm right, you're wrong. And for a long time the women operate out of a I'm bad, you're good philosophy, I'm a bad person and you're a good person. Therefore, I tolerate this relationship, or this is a good relationship. But in that sort of 40-ish age range man that switches in the woman and she's no longer willing to accept I'm bad, you're good scenario, she's no longer willing to accept a win-lose scenario I win or I, cody win at the expense of my wife, you know, for 20 years. The woman's usually willing to deal with that, willing to put up with that, and it kind of reinforces in our mind the idea that that's a winning philosophy. But it isn't and it's like the the. This is a really good example. It's like the intimacy thing. Why does your wife not want to have sex with you? Well, it's the same for the whole relationship. It's like if your wife goes to you I need a dinner date once a week for this to be a successful, happy marriage and you go okay, I'm willing to give you that. And then you go to the restaurant and it's first dinner date and you both order your food and the waitress brings out your wife's food. But she doesn't bring out your food and she starts to eat her starter and she's like yum, that's delicious. And then the waitress comes out and she takes her starter away and brings her main still nothing for you. You're starving to death, you're hungry and you just sit there and your wife's like yum, yum, yum, this is the best salmon, is the best salmon. You should try it. You should have ordered some. And you're just sitting there looking at it drooling. She eats her food and then the waitress comes, takes her plate away and brings her dessert Still nothing for you. And she eats her dessert and goes that is the creamiest panna cotta I've ever had. That was wonderful.
Speaker 1:And the waitress comes and takes the plate away and goes can I get you a coffee and a cheese board and she goes that would be delightful. And she brings the coffee and cheese billboard and the wife looks at you, going you don't want anything. And then, as she finishes her last little piece of cheese, the wife, the waitress, finally brings out the chicken wings you orders at the starter. You take one little nibble of the chicken wing, starving to death. And your wife goes come on, then let's go. And drags you away. You know you haven't eaten a damn bite.
Speaker 1:And then on the way home, she looks at you and goes we're so good together. What an amazing evening, what a fantastic evening, aren't we so good together? And you're thinking what are you talking about? And she goes I can't wait to do this again next week, can't wait to do this again next week. And that goes on for do this again next week. And that goes on for 20 years. And then finally you go I'm just not getting anything out of this. And she's like what are you talking about?
Speaker 1:We've had so many wonderful date nights and that's what's going on in the marriage. Like we're getting our needs met over and over and over again. We're having a four or five course meal. We're going hey, in order for this marriage to be successful, I need this from you. And you're going out having that date night, getting a four or five course meal and your wife's not even getting a chicken wing. And, of course, as men, in our position of not really being that empathetic, we don't. We just think, because we've had a wonderful time, because we've had a great experience, because everything's been good for us, we just look at the woman and go how amazing was that, how good are we together? Oh bro, how good are you having a relationship with yourself? How good are you at getting your needs met?
Speaker 1:And there comes a point in the woman's life, usually in the 40s, where she just goes no, it's about me. Now I am going to get my needs met, you know and that analogy applies to the whole relationship but definitely in the sex environment, definitely in the sex environment. The sex dies to some extent because it's, like you know, it's almost like a badge of honor, right for the woman to meet her man's needs. She meets his needs for so long and she doesn't even get a chicken wing in return. At some point she goes well, I've been meeting your needs for this long and I haven't got like what's the point man? Like why am I doing this, when the man just goes well, everything's changed. Why is everything? You're the one that's changed, you're the one that's different?
Speaker 1:And it's like well, yeah, she is different, but she's different in in a way that she's developed a sense of self-esteem. She's developed a sense of self-esteem, she's developed a sense of self-respect, she's developed an attitude of I'm going to get my needs met in this relationship or I'm going to leave. And when she develops that attitude of I need to get my needs met as well, then she gets villainized and she gets accused of changing, and she gets accused of all these negative things. Right, versus just going. Hey, you know, if my wife's leaving the relationship, it's because she's not getting her needs met and she hasn't got them met in a very long time.
Speaker 1:You know, and a very simple antidote to that, a very simple vaccine to that, is simply to go.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to even think about my needs until. You know, my wife's probably going to listen to this. So if you're listening to this, sweetheart, I'm saying this to the men, not you it's going to the wife with the attitude of I'm not even going to consider that I have a need until all of your needs have been met. I'm not going to ask you to meet my needs until your needs have been met. I'm not even going to bring my needs into your awareness until I'm damn sure that I've met your needs. You know, and when you think about the analogy that we talked about, it's like if you've gone on a date night to a restaurant for 20 years, gentlemen, and you haven't got so much as a chicken wing out of it, and she's had a three course meal, let's say you've done that three nights a week for 20 years and she's got a full four, five, six course meal and an amazing experience, and you haven't got a chicken wing out of it.