The Marriage Transformation Podcast
The Marriage Transformation Podcast
Marriage Rescue 911
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The moment your wife says she wants to leave is the moment most men make their biggest mistake – they try to change her mind instead of changing themselves. In this powerful coaching session, I take you deep into the psychology of what's really motivating your wife's decision and what will ultimately cause her to stay.
Your wife's behavior isn't random. She's responding to your behavior in predictable ways. When she tells you "you're too aggressive" or "I need more attention," she's handing you the blueprint to save your marriage, but most men are too busy defending themselves to see it.
Through real conversations with men facing marital crisis, we uncover the fundamental truth that all communication serves just two purposes: to increase positive feelings or decrease negative ones. Understanding which category your wife's communication falls into gives you the power to respond effectively instead of reactively.
The most transformative insight from this session might be recognizing that your insecurities function as "earplugs" that prevent you from hearing what your wife is really asking for. Men's fear of appearing incompetent drives defensive reactions that push partners away rather than drawing them closer. By challenging these insecurities and asking "what else could this mean?" when your wife expresses dissatisfaction, you open the door to genuine connection.
This isn't about being "right" or "wrong" – it's about creating an environment where your wife feels safe, valued and understood. If you're ready to move beyond blame and into genuine transformation, this guidance will help you understand not just what's driving your wife away, but what will ultimately bring her back.
Hey, cody, here and I just finished up a coaching call with our Fast Track Coaching Clans and I want to share that call with you. I want to invite you into that call because I shared some information in that call which really is very critical to saving your marriage on what's motivating your wife, why is she wanting to leave right now and what is going to cause her to want to stay. And we did some hot seats and we workshopped that and I think this call will really really help you to understand what needs to happen to save your marriage. So join me on that call right now and I hope you get some value from this. I've got a few things I've talked about recently I want to bring up again because I think they're really, really important and repetition is the mother of skill at the end of the day. But we'll give it just a few minutes till till people come in. Um, anything you wanted to talk about, andrew, nobody, nobody has, nobody has any questions at this point.
Speaker 2:So uh, well, I mean I ran a couple of situations this week again and I was able to uh to kind of turn them around really quick. But uh, you know, it was a situation with uh, with a one of my like my.
Speaker 2:We have like four dogs and because my wife's like an animal over and I'm yeah like one one dog is her, like her dad passed, so we took, so we took this dog and they're like all big dogs and uh, so like make tell them. Make a long story short. Like, uh, one, one of the one of my dogs, like ago, got out and like got into an altercation with a German Shepherd and I had to like fight my dog off of this dog to like so it wouldn't get injured because I have like a pit bull and after that altercation nothing happened recently.
Speaker 2:And after that altercation nothing happened recently. And this is like two or three years later where, like a younger dog got out and you know I went to go see what was going on outside and you know, I heard like someone screaming get your dog, get your dog. So then I ran back to it through the house Because I was gonna go to a different.
Speaker 1:You know like it was like some let's get to a question and you let's get to a Question, brother. It's like we don't. We don't need the whole background.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so pretty much basically what what happened was my wife said that I was starting yet aggressive and the aggression was pretty much. My wife said that I was starting to get aggressive and uh, the aggression was pretty much, uh, because she can't like, she came at me aggressively and then I just said like two or three words about trying to get this dog and uh, and like I got accused of being aggressive, which which I didn't say anything about it, I just kept quiet. But uh, the thing is like I got accused of being aggressive, which I didn't say anything about it, I just kept quiet. But the thing is like it seemed like she came at me aggressively and I got blamed for it, you know, and I kind of just shut it down and apologized for it. But that's what it seemed like.
Speaker 1:Sure, sure, awesome. Apologize for it, but that's what it seemed like. Sure, sure, awesome. So again, like this is a good situation, right, because like perception is reality, it doesn't. This is where your man, your man logic brain is trying to go well. That's not what happened. This is what happened, and her emotional brain is going well. That's not how I interpret it. This is how I feel it. So at the end, at the end of the day, we've got to look at, like what outcome do you want? Do you want to be right or do you want some harmony here? You know, and if she's, if she's telling you you're coming across as being aggressive, you can dispute that all of you or you want, and even if you're not being aggressive, it doesn't matter because she's putting it as aggression, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know like don't get me wrong Like it's easy to understand what I'm saying, it's like you're always wrong. You know, like it's easy to interpret what I'm saying as that, but it's like it's not that what I'm saying is. In a world where perception is reality, everyone's always wrong, like your wife has seen it one way, which is her reality, and you've seen it your way, which is your reality, and unless one of you can bend on that, like it's going to be conflictual, right yeah so I mean, the easiest thing to do is like she's telling you, I interpret this behavior as aggression, andrew.
Speaker 1:And instead of addressing that and going, okay, well, let me just change my behavior, it gets thrown back at her and goes and you go well, I interpret your behavior as aggression. It's like, well, where's this going to end? The ending is very predictable. It's very predictable. It's like it's going to end in hostility for both of you. You know it's like if you go, cody, you're an asshole and I go, no, you're an asshole, andrew, and I go, no, you're an asshole. And it's like we just go back, where does it end? Where does it stop? You know, if you go, cody, you're an asshole and I go well, okay, that's.
Speaker 1:I didn't mean for that to come across that way. Help me understand why I'm coming across as an asshole, so I can change that behavior in the future, so we can have a harmonious relationship that's going to get a different result to. If you go, cody, you're an asshole, I'll go no, you're an asshole. At some point someone's got to step up right. At some point someone's got to step up and at some point someone's got to step up and lead and it's like, right now you're following her lead, she, she's, she's, she's decided that you know she's going to go with this. Tit for tat, let's say of you're aggressive, no, you're aggressive, or someone at some point has got to step up and lead you both out of this mess yeah, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.
Speaker 2:Well, actually, when she said that I didn't, I didn't, I didn't say she was, I didn't tell her she was aggressive, I just kind of just kept quiet. Then I apologized and I never brought it up, you know, and I explained what your question?
Speaker 1:angie has not been. Why does she think I'm being aggressive and how do I change that? That's not your question. Yeah, your question isn't solution orientated. Your question, like you haven't really asked a question. I mean really, like you know I don't mean to be rude, but you basically come on and said I've got my feelings hurt, it's what's happened, and it's like well, you know that sucks. You know we had an eight-hour drive with three kids in the back of a car yesterday, like it wasn't. It's never nice, right? My wife said some stuff to me, I said some stuff to her. It's like feelings get hurt, it's like. But at the end of the day, the question is the better question or a?
Speaker 2:question would be my wife is interpreting my behavior as aggressive, which let me just you know. Do you think?
Speaker 1:that's positive or negative for your relationship. Well, it's like what is going on in my behavior that she's interpreting as aggressive. And how do I change that? Because, until you know, it's like that that's the only thing.
Speaker 1:Each and every one of you on this call is in a behavioral problem situation like the only way any situation in your life whether it's your marriage with your kids, with with anything it's like for your situation to change, your behavior has to change, like, if I get speeding tickets every week and I give Justin a call or Rob a call and say I keep getting speeding tickets, how do I talk these cops out of? Stop giving me speeding tickets? It's like well, cody, your behavior is that you speed. You have to stop speeding. The only way you're going to stop getting speeding tickets, cody, is if you change your back. Well, I don't want to change my behavior. I want the cops to stop giving me tickets. They're hurting my feelings. Every time they pull me over, they hurt my feelings. It's like the only way my reality is going to change is if I change my behavior. Change my behavior, and we talked about it last week.
Speaker 1:Attraction is behaviorally based, right, like. People are attracted to people or repulsed by people based on their behavior. If you act very aggressively towards me, is that going to attract me towards you or repel me from you, assuming I'm a normal person that doesn't like violence me from you, assuming I'm a normal person that doesn't doesn't like violence? If you behave aggressively towards me, andrew, like it's going to repel me yeah, no, I, I know, I know that I know and it doesn't matter if that you're behaving aggressively because you mean to or you're not behaving aggressively at all.
Speaker 1:It's like if I'm interpreting it as aggression, what's that going to do to this relationship? It's going to damage the relationship. What your behavior is is irrelevant. How your behavior is being perceived. Is everything perceived as everything? You know there's a lot of times where you know I've behaved aggressively, I've been, I've been talked down. You know people say you know you're getting aggressive, cody, and it's like when you start to lose remember, emotion compels behavior that's intellectually detached from consequences. And it's like like, if you're, if you're getting emotional, like people will say to me you need to calm down Cody. And I'm like no, you know how many times have we all done it. You need to calm down Cody, I'm calm, you need to calm down, I'm calm, I'm again.
Speaker 1:It's like if attraction is is behaviorally based, it's like men go, well, you know, let's just move it to a different area. Completely right, people go, my wife's not, you know, intimate with me. Well, you're not behaving in a way that's sexually attractive to her, as simple as that. You're not behaving in a way that's sexually attractive to her. If you behave in a way that's sexually attractive, then she will become sexually attracted to you In the same way. These laws are inescapable. It's like if you behave aggressively towards me, how am I going to? You know? If you behave in a caring and loving way towards me, how am I going to respond? If you act indifferently towards me, how am I going to respond? It's like is anybody, is anybody, confused? How to any any of those? What as to any of what any of those responses are going to be? You know, and it's like you know, and it's like nine, like all the time, ten times out of ten, a hundred times out of a hundred.
Speaker 1:It's like I know how you're behaving in the relationship based on the response that your wife is giving. You know, and we talked about it a few weeks ago. Um, I can bring it up actually because I haven, because I didn't bring up a chart last week and I feel like I cheated some people. So let me just pull the chart up quickly Because you know we've got a couple of new people on this call worth looking at, so let me share my screen. Here we go, share. Here we go, share.
Speaker 1:There we go All right. So we talked about this before. All communication is positive because it's only trying to achieve two outcomes and it's either looking to accentuate a positive feeling or the communication or action is looking to minimize a negative feeling. Now, if your wife says to you like again, this is not a personal thing at all, like we, you know, it's just a good example, andrew, because you brought it up. If your wife says to you well, let's assume this is true, right, all communication is positive. Like, if your wife says to you you're behaving aggressively right now, is she trying to accentuate a positive feeling or is she trying to minimize a negative feeling in that situation? Minimize a negative feeling? She has a negative feeling that she's trying to minimize at this point and you're not even recognizing that, let alone minimizing it. Right, in fact, probably the opposite. Like she, she's communicated to minimize a negative feeling and the result of that communication to minimize that negative feeling has probably accentuated the negative feeling so some windows.
Speaker 4:So so what?
Speaker 1:we've. What we've taught her in this situation is when I try to communicate with you, andrew, to minimize negative feelings in the relationship, all it does is create more negative feelings. So then, what is the only option left to minimize those negative feelings is no communication at all. It's zero communication. That's the only option left. You know.
Speaker 1:So, like when our wives are communicating with us and it seems like a personal attack, ask yourself is she trying to accentuate a negative feeling here, or is she trying to accentuate a positive feeling here, or is she trying to minimize a negative feeling? And if she's saying you're behaving aggressively right now, it's like she, she's trying to minimize a negative feeling, so she's obviously in a negative state, what? What's your role as a leader? What's your leadership role in this place? Is it to, is it to double down on that negative feeling, or is it to help her out of that? Yeah, help her out of that. So if she, if she's saying, you know, I'm feeling like this is aggressive right now, it's like the way that we build rapport with our wives, the way that we open up communication, the way that we build emotional safety, is it's we recognize that she's trying to minimize a negative feeling, and how do we assist her in that? How do we assist her in that?
Speaker 2:I guess I gotta calm down and uh, calm down situation and uh, you know, speed be, don't get all like uh crazy about it. Like in a, you know, talk like in a regular voice, you know it's the car.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, exactly she's. She. She's saying I'm in a very negative place right now and I need some help getting out of this place, and you just go. Well, no, you're not in a negative place, you're wrong. And that's where, like, then she goes.
Speaker 1:Well, I tried to communicate when I was feeling bad. I tried to communicate to alleviate that negative feeling and all that happened was I got more of the same emotion I was trying to get out of, you know, and it's like that. That's where we've got to understand. Like it's not. And look, you're completely. I get it, man, like from your logical man brain. It's like you've done nothing wrong. You weren't being aggressive. You simply told her you weren't being aggressive, but like and that and that's fine, but it's, that's fine if you want to get divorced, it's the same here.
Speaker 1:Looking at where we're at right now. Even, why did you speak up today, angie? Because you have a negative feeling and you're trying to minimize it. That's why you're talking to me. You're looking for my help to minimize your negative emotions around this and you're looking to get over on, minimize your negative emotions around this, and you're looking to get over on this side of the diagram, right, you're looking for some way to get out of the negative emotion you have around this experience and move over to a positive feeling, which is exactly. You guys want the same thing. You just don't understand how to get there. You guys want the same thing. You just don't understand how to get there.
Speaker 1:You know, and, and it's like you've got to ask yourself what is she doing right now? What is she doing right now? What is she trying to communicate to me? And it's like it's simple, like let's just break this down to the most simple thing she's either trying to communicate, trying to increase a positive feeling, or minimize a negative feeling. It's like we get guys, come on here too, right, like hopefully someone will jump on and they'll go I've got a win to share.
Speaker 1:Cody did this, did that. Things are going great. It's like well, what are they trying to do? Why are they communicating? They're trying to double down on the positive feeling they have from their win. There is no other reason to communicate. There's no other reason to communicate. You know, it's like anything else you can come up with, andrew, is just noise when it comes to communication.
Speaker 1:You know, one of the things we say, right, there's only two. You know the two reasons your wife wanted to be with you. She loved how you made her feel and she saw that a future with you was better than a future without you. Or to put it another way, you accentuated her positive feelings. She saw that a future with you was better than a future without you. Or to put it another way, you accentuated her positive feelings. That's why she wanted to be with you. You accentuated her positive feelings, you know, and it's like. This is why you know.
Speaker 1:When men go well, I'm just going to remind her of the good times, this and that, okay, well, given the choice of accentuating. You know, when men go, well, I'm just going to remind her of the good times, this and that, okay, well, given the choice of accentuated, you know, if you have the choice of accentuating a positive feeling or minimizing a negative feeling, are you going to avoid pain or are you going to pursue pleasure? Given the choice, it's a binary choice pleasure or pain. Given a binary choice, you know, if you put in, if you're putting a situation where I have to choose pleasure or I have to choose pain, pain is a significantly stronger motivator. Significantly stronger motivator, you know. It's like if I say you know, could you, could you use a hundred thousand dollars? Would a hundred thousand dollars be helpful? Sure, what would you do with $100,000? All kinds of stuff? Okay, well, I'm going to take you out back and I'm going to break your arm for that $100,000. Let me break your arm and I'll give you $100,000. You're going to do it? Or will you forego all of the pleasure that the $100,000 would buy you in order to avoid the pain of a broken arm? You'll forsake almost everything to avoid pain, almost everything.
Speaker 1:And this is why, showing her pictures of trips from the past and painting a picture, it doesn't matter, as long as the pain is still present, it doesn't matter. You know, what about $500,000? Will you let me break your arm for $500,000? It's like, well, what about a million? It's like no, no, no and no, it doesn't matter how much pleasure you show me, cody, I'm not letting you break my arm, arm, yeah, and this is what we've got to understand, right, like? And you know, until we minimize this, there's no point in talking about this. Until we, until we understand that, like, she's not doing anything positive, until the pain is eliminated and that goes for all of us, right, like, the reason your wife wants to leave, because there's more pain in staying than there is in going. That's it, justin. Did you want to jump in, brother? I see you had your hand up.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was just around. You know that aspect of trying to convince our wife she's wrong. We do it subconsciously. So for me, I brought it back to the employer. Um mentality like if my boss puts me on a performance plan, the the idea is, my question should be and most of the time would be for most people is what do I need to do to get off this? Not what do I need to do to convince them that they're wrong? And it's very much for me. It's a lot easier to see in that dynamic when you take the relationship emotion out of it and then go well, my wife's putting me on a performance plan. I need to behave my way out of this, not knuckle down on convincing her that she's wrong.
Speaker 3:Exactly right man.
Speaker 1:You're taken into your employer's office and they say you're on notice, we're not happy with your behaviour, and you go. Well, you're wrong. There's nothing wrong with my behaviour.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Good luck, good luck, like there's no universe where that ends up well for you. You know and at the end of the day it's like I've said this before what we're talking about here for the most part is battlefield medicine. We're not here to make you comfortable, we're not here to ease the pain, we're here to save your life. If you come off, a bomb goes off and your leg's blown off and you're on the battlefield and you're bleeding out, we don't go. Someone go get him a pillow. You know someone, someone go get him a slushy and a chocolate. Make the man comfortable. It's like, you know, it's like you got to tie the leg off.
Speaker 1:And you know, I know, I know a lot of the question in a lot of people's mind is well, what about my wife? Well, that comes at a later point. It's like until until you convince your wife that there's any hope of those negative feelings being removed from the relationship, she's not. You know you can't. If your wife is leaving her, you're leaving you. You can't go to her and say you need to change your behavior. She's leaving you. It's like let's have a little reality check about what's going on here. Right, she's leaving you because your behavior is unacceptable in the marriage and to go to her and say, well, if I'm going to stay in this marriage, you need to change your behavior. It's like the first thing that we have to do if we're going to save the marriage is you have to change your behavior, irrespective of how your wife is behaving, because she's not going to negotiate with you until that happens. She's just not going to negotiate. And then once your behavior changes to a level to where she's willing to again participate in the conversation, that's when we can look at her behavior. That's when we can start to address her behavior. But you know, many of us are in the situation where it's like you're beyond your last chance, right, you're beyond your last chance. That was down the road, that was back there somewhere. So to say, well, we need to look at your behavior. In this situation, you're just gonna expedite your removal to the door and it's simple, like I mean, in any situation, there's only a handful of things that really make a difference, and this is one of them.
Speaker 1:Like we've talked about food before, right, like I've said it a few times, just as, as an example, if someone's struggling with their diet, if they're struggling with their health, and all the diets are confusing. If it's in a box, don't eat it. Right? If it comes in a box, don't eat it. That's going to solve 80 of your problems, you know, is it conclusive? Is it everything? No, but if it comes in a box, do not eat it. It's probably bad for you that. That that's the 80 20 of diet, right? If it's in a box, don't eat it. And this is the 80 20 of communication. It's like we can get into love, languages and this I mean. We can go down a whole number of rabbit holes, but it's like the 80 20 of communication really is going to be. It's going to be in this. It's going to be she. Any communication is designed to accentuate the positive or eliminate the negative. And if you can identify that, if you can identify which category she is communicating to you from you, either double down or eliminate, from you, either double down or eliminate. You know it's like.
Speaker 1:Use this call as an example. I mean it's lower attended today, I think, probably because of the time zone and stuff, but it's like If everybody stopped attending the calls, it's probably because it's either creating negative feelings in people or it's not producing positive feelings. The solution is not to add more calls. If these calls dwindle down to one or two people because I'm creating negative feelings in people, or these calls are creating negative feelings in people, the solution is to go. Well, why are people dropping off? Why are people not attending the calls anymore? Obviously, it's creating negative feelings. It's creating negative emotions. What are we doing? What are we communicating? That's doing that. Let's address that. The solution is not to go. Well, the calls have dropped off to two or three men per call. Let's double down on the number of calls. That'll solve the problem. It will accentuate the problem and it's like that's what we do as men. Right, we go.
Speaker 1:My wives are wanting less and less communication with me. How do I communicate more with them? My wife won't talk to me. How do I get her to talk to me? It's like saying, well, no one's showing up to these calls. Rob, we should just put on more calls. It's like it's insanity, it makes no sense. But that's what we do, you know, and it's like it's probably one of the most common questions I get right, well, my wife won't talk to me. How do I communicate X, y and Z? It's like, well, we've missed a step. Well, how do I get my wife to communicate? We've missed a step.
Speaker 1:It's like, well, what is going on that stopped her wanting to communicate? Let's figure that out first. And it's really, it's very simple, man. Our communication is creating negative emotions. It's creating negative emotions, you know. I mean, until that is addressed, she's not going to talk to you in any capacity, not as the mother of your children, not as your wife, not as your ex, not in any. She's going to avoid.
Speaker 1:You know, and we see it like, the more painful the communication is, the less she wants to communicate. Some of you your wife won't even send you text messages to communicate. Some of you, your wife won't even send you text messages. You know, I've seen it. Like you know, people go. My wife sent me this text message and I sent her this text message back and it's, like you know, war and peace. I mean, it's literally like 14,000 words. I'm like Jesus Christ, man, I'm like what are you doing? And there's, you know, there's no even stuff as simple as it's. Like you know, people send, send me messages and I'm like, do you understand? Do you know what a paragraph break is Like? Break it up.
Speaker 1:I'm like you just get like these bloody mountains of text with no power, with no punctuation, no paragraph breaks, and it's painful, it's hard to read and it's like even something as simple as that. It's like, if you want me to read your text, make it easy for me to read. If you want me to read your email, make it easy for me to read. If it's hard for me to read it, I'm just going to skim it or not read it. You know, and I see that all the time men communicate with me and it's like even with andrew, to some extent, like in the beginning it was like, hey, andrew, let's get to the point, bro, like we got a lot of people on this call, like let's just get to the point. It's like if it's hard to listen to, the communication is going to stop. If it's painful, the communication is going to stop. And if it's stopped we can reverse, engineer that and go. It's because it's painful and the solution to that is is step.
Speaker 1:You know, the next question everyone asks is like well, how do I change it? How do I change it? For one you got to, you got to ask the question why, why is my communication painful? You know people go. Well, my wife, you know, again. Let's move it off to another subject. People go my wife doesn't want to be intimate with me. What do I do? Well, you've missed a step.
Speaker 1:The question is why does she not want to be intimate with you? Why does she not want to be intimate with you? You know, and I tell people, it pisses people off and it winds people off because, like, men have got egos. But it's like. You know, if your wife doesn't want to be intimate with you, it's because you're not good at intimacy. You're not very good at it. And it's like I don't mean you're not very good at the motion on the ocean, I mean you're not very good at the whole experience. Like, if she doesn't want to be intimate with you, it's because the whole experience of that intimacy is not a positive experience for her. And I'm not just talking about the physicality of it, I'm talking about the emotional experience leading up to it, or the whole.
Speaker 1:And people go well, that's not true, cody. I'm like so there are situations in your life are there where all of your needs are being met and then you decide not to engage in that. You know why did you stop showing up to this? Call Justin, because you were meeting all of my needs, cody, because you were so good I didn't feel like I needed to anymore.
Speaker 1:It's like if your wife doesn't want to engage in intimacy, it's because it's not a pleasant experience for her, and that's really, really hard to hear as men, but it's like that's the solution. The solution lies in that and if we go, well, okay, my wife doesn't want to be intimate with me because it's not a pleasant experience. For what part of it's not pleasant? You know it might not be necessarily the people go. You know my wife she's this, you know. You know she quivers like a flag up a flagpole. You don't, you can't tell me it's not good. She loves. It's like that's not what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:I'm talking about the whole emotional. Does she feel used at the end of it? Does she feel like you've just taken advantage of it? Does she feel like this is all the relationship is about? Does she feel like you, she means nothing to you other than sex? Like I'm not talking about the physical side of it. Like if she doesn't want to be intimate, it's because the whole intimate experience is not a pleasant one for her.
Speaker 1:Again, we, it's positive and negative. Because she's using intimacy in the same. Intimacy is a is a form of communication. Right, and if she doesn't want to be intimate, it's because she's either trying to accentuate a positive experience or she's trying to eliminate a negative one. And if she's going with I don't want to be intimate she's trying to eliminate a negative feeling by not having the intimacy. She knows it's going to cause her a problem, but that's less of a problem, you know, and the reason most of us cannot fix our marriage is because we're just not prepared to look at the problem. We're just not prepared to look at the problem. We're just not prepared to look at what's actually wrong with the marriage and we're not prepared to address it. Yeah, I mean, I remember me and my wife. We were having a lot of problems. You know, this was probably a decade ago.
Speaker 1:I remember one specific evening. She's like do you want to go out for dinner? I'm like no. She's like, why not? I'm like I can just sit here in silence and look at my phone without spending $200. It's not necessary. We can just sit here and be awkward. We don't need to go to a restaurant and spend $200 to stare at our phones and be awkward. We can do it here for free. But you know, if we look at it, why do I not want to go out to dinner that night? Because I'm trying to eliminate a negative feeling. Sitting in a restaurant, having nothing to talk about, staring at a phone and then getting a big bill at the end of it is a negative experience, right, and I can avoid that a negative experience by staying at home. Yeah, how many of us can relate to that sitting in a restaurant staring at your phone, going this is awkward, this sucks well, yeah, I'm in a hurry to do that again, aren't I? Who's in a hurry to repeat that experience?
Speaker 2:and uh, cody had a question. Yeah, let's say things are going good between you and your wife I mean my wife and I right, when? When do I bring up the intimacy thing, like, how do I start talking? Like, when do I start talking about it? It's like right now we're in a situation where, uh, we're just pretty much co-parenting and uh, you know, you know things are improving. But uh, last time I brought it up it was, you know, it was like it caused even more of a problem and kind of push things back a little bit.
Speaker 1:So I mean sure, sure. So it's like, let's use this call again. If people, if it's like, say well, you know, everyone on this call has stopped showing up, when do I bring up with them the fact that their attendance is shit like the if people? If people stop showing up to this call, if there's one reason and one reason because then they're getting nothing out of it. There's nothing out of it and it's like they're getting nothing out of it. And is that my problem or is that your problem? My fault or is that your fault? That's my fault. If you're getting nothing, like I. I know what each and every one of you want from me. You, I know that. I know what outcome you're looking for from me. I know what you need from me. So if you're not getting that from me, is that your fault or my fault? And it's like if everyone stops showing up to these calls, the question would be why is nobody getting anything out of these calls anymore? What do I need to do? It's like it's not going to you, andrew, and saying what's the issue with your attendance. It's looking at it and going. He's not showing up because he's clearly getting nothing out of it. So what do I need to do? What do I need to do?
Speaker 1:It's not a conversation between me and you, necessarily, so it's the same there. It's not like this is not a conversation that you have with your wife. It's like your wife's withdrawing from conversation. Your wife is withdrawing from interaction, so it's not like. The question is why is she getting nothing out or negative, you know, even worse negative out of this interaction? Why is she getting nothing out of this conversation? Why is she getting nothing out of this intimacy? And it's like I say you know, I just hear the silliest things that are just not thought through at intimacy. And it's like I say I just hear the silliest things that are just not thought through at all.
Speaker 1:People do not withdraw from situations where their needs are getting met. If your wife is withdrawing from intimacy, it's because her needs are not getting met through that intimacy. And is that her fault or your fault? If you withdraw from these phone calls, from these Zoom calls, it's because your needs are not getting met on these calls. They're no longer serving a purpose to you. Is that my fault or your fault? It's my fault, it's my fault and I've got to. This is why I like self the only way I can solve that problem is look at myself and go how can I become a better communicator?
Speaker 1:How can I communicate? How can I meet their needs better? How can I understand the needs? Better the solution the better I become, the more attended these calls become, right, you know, and there are some people that are not on these calls because I waffle, right? That's one of the things that I do that I need to work on in my communication style. It's like I waffle and there'll be some people. They are just, I'll just watch the replay because I can double speed it and fast forward for his waffling, okay, okay, so if I want better attendance, is that something I need to work on, or do you just need to get more tolerant of my waffling? The better I become, the more I recognize my own faults and my own flaws, and the more I work on my own flaws, the better the attendance becomes. And in the marriage concept it's exactly the same the more you work on your floors, the more you work on your faults, the better the attendance becomes, which is your wife's attendance.
Speaker 1:At this point, there's no way I can improve the attendance of these calls without improving myself. Way I can improve the attendance of these calls without improving myself. It's silliness to think that. Or, you know, it's like I just hold you over a barrel, right? It's like you know, I stopped sending out replays. If you want to get this information, you have to join these calls. It's like I could blackmail you or I could hold you over a barrel, but that's not a win-win. That's not the way to build a relationship. The only way to truly improve this community, the only way to truly improve the relationships that we have, the only way to truly improve attendance, is for me to get better. You know and let's extend that out Like to get better as an organization.
Speaker 1:It's not just me. It's why I have conversations with Rob, it's why I have conversations with Justin, for the only way, the only way to improve overall satisfaction between clients and better marriage is for us, as an organization, to get better. We have to communicate better with our clients. We have to get better as coaches, consistently with our clients. You know, the only way the relationship between better marriage and clients improves is we have to get better. We can't go to you and say you need to get better as clients. You're all dumb and you're not learning fast enough. We can't put the blame on you and go. We're teaching flawlessly. You've just you've all. You all have just got learning disabilities. Like that doesn't work.
Speaker 1:That that there's a in any situation. There's only one way to improve it and that's when I improve and that's when you improve. You know, and that's where, like you know, just taking it back to the beginning of the call, like just just as an example for everybody, it's like if you give the situation this, you know. Brief overview of the situation, this is what know. Brief overview of the situation. This is what I said. This is how the wife responded. She, she pursued, she, she interpreted my behavior as aggressive. How do I get better coding? How do I make sure that doesn't happen again? That's a question that's moving you in the right, right direction. That's you know versus like no, you know versus like no. You know, attendance is down on these calls, rob. Attendance is down on these calls, justin. How do we force these men into these conversations with us? How do we force men onto the court? It's like it. It doesn't work. Does that make sense? Does anyone want to jump in and share? Anybody got any questions on that?
Speaker 5:I've got a question, Cody.
Speaker 1:Is that?
Speaker 5:okay, if I jump in, it's fine.
Speaker 1:Are you trying to accentuate pleasure or avoid pain?
Speaker 5:Both actually All right. I was down the river yesterday. Girls have been a bit of an issue, not for a long time, but my wife still has triggers over it. You know, girls coming up in bikini, um t-string bikinis and stuff. Down the river I make a habit of just turn, turn, turn it away, look the other way, and my wife said to me yesterday that she's getting upset. That that's, um, quite, you know, evident that I'm purposely not looking but in I'm not turning my attention to her. In the situation I was a bit I don't know what to do. So what do I do in that situation?
Speaker 1:Yep, so look, there's a Bible phrase, man, that says if your hand offends, you cut it off, or it's better that you go.
Speaker 1:You go into heaven with one hand than you go into hell with two you know, and you can say, like we can, we can talk about right or wrong and all that stuff here, but it's like if this is offending your wife, cut it off. It's like if going down the river, like if going down the river was going to cause me to have major issues with my wife, I'd stop going down the river.
Speaker 5:I said I didn't want to go to the river yesterday because I had a feeling, and you know she pushed for me to come down the river with the family and I accepted that. That's what she said. I get a little bit frustrated that you know I do the right thing, I feel like I'm doing the right thing, but she feels like I'm just not giving her the attention instead.
Speaker 1:Well, what's she telling you? She wants Greg Attention. So what's the solution?
Speaker 5:Give her the attention.
Speaker 1:I mean, it's like we need to hire you as a coach, bro, because you got this down.
Speaker 5:Just not in practice.
Speaker 1:And you say, well, I'm giving her attention. Like she wants more attention than she's getting. It's like this is the thing, right. Like how many times do we get on these calls? And it's like my wife's telling me that I'm controlling cody, what do I do? Stop being controlling? My wife's telling me that she wants more attention, cody. What do I do? Give her more attention? My wife's telling me that I'm being aggressive, cody. What do I do? Stop being aggressive? It's like.
Speaker 1:It's like our wives are telling us what they need and it's like, instead of listening to it and hearing it, you go well, I am giving you attention. It's like you're giving her this amount of attention, but she's telling you that's not enough, she needs more. You know it's like you say, well, I'm not being aggressive. Well, she's interpreting it as is. So is that? Can we tone it down just a little bit in the name of peace and harmony? Can we tone it down just a little bit more? You know my wife says I'm controlling all the time. Okay, well, you know, can maybe we let go of some of that control, instead of saying, well, no, I have. You know, it's like, can we stop arguing with it? It's like like our wives are telling us exactly what they need for this marriage to be harmonious and we're just not listening.
Speaker 1:We're just not listening. We're just not listening. You know it's like you know, and I know you love your wife, greg, because I've talked to you on the phone, man, we've had conversations. It's not like you're dicking and you don't care. I know you love your wife, but it's like she's not feeling that and it's like you can sit there and go well, I love, I know you love her, but it's like if she doesn't feel it, what does it matter?
Speaker 1:she's telling you this is what I need from you, greg, to feel this is what I need from you, Greg to feel loved. This is what I need to feel loved.
Speaker 5:No, I'm definitely doing something wrong with my communication style.
Speaker 1:And it's a quid pro quo situation, man. It's like you know we want sex, right. And it's like, well, when, when the woman is telling us what we want, what she wants to feel loved, and we're not even acknowledging it, let alone providing it, how is that an arse lick of difference to you telling her that you want sex to feel appreciated in the relationship and her not responding to it? It's exactly the same. It's like when she goes well, I need you to be less aggressive, andrew, and you don't. How is that different to saying I need more sex and she doesn't give it? It's exactly the same. If she goes, I need more attention from you, greg, and you don't give it. That's no different to you saying I want more sex and her not giving it. It's like both of you are telling the other what is necessary for the relationship to feel good and neither one of you are meeting those requirements so it's up to me to meet the requirements first, of course who's leading?
Speaker 1:who's leading this thing, you or her?
Speaker 5:yeah, well, I, I tried to feel like it was me, but I don't know at the moment, I don't know how it is.
Speaker 1:I mean she's told you like I mean this is not complicated. I mean she's told you, I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention from you, greg, that's what she's told you, right.
Speaker 5:Yeah, straight up. Would you also refrain from going to the river for a while Of?
Speaker 1:course, unless she has to, of course.
Speaker 5:But what if she's there going? Come on, come to the river, come to the river.
Speaker 1:Should I then?
Speaker 5:express that it's a dangerous situation.
Speaker 1:As Donald Trump would say what if a bomb falls on your head right now, greg?
Speaker 5:Well, I'd be fucked.
Speaker 1:What happens if bloody Russia launches a nuke Australia, what then? Like, if some butts were candy and nuts, it'd be Christmas every day. She's telling you I need more attention from you, greg, and you're like, yeah, but what about this?
Speaker 5:You're doing everything but addressing the issue. Just go to the river and give her the attention.
Speaker 4:Give her the issue. So just go to the river and give her the attention.
Speaker 1:Give her the attention. I mean, look, I need more attention, greg, how could she put that in more simple terms? How could she simplify that language the way you understand it? Like, simplify that for me.
Speaker 5:Give her attention.
Speaker 1:She's given it to you in the simplest way possible. Two-year-old could understand that, right, three-year-old could understand that. And I'm not being rude like she's given it to you in the simplest language possible. If you can't understand that and you can't act upon that, what hope has she got? She can't simplify this anymore.
Speaker 4:Yeah if she said, yeah, go on, rob, sorry cody, great, sorry greg. I mean I think you're frightened. You're what you're frightened of, you're what you're leading, you're frightened. She gets, says go down the river. You go to the river, you know what's going to happen and then you got the opportunity to look her in the eye as if you just love her like you wouldn't believe, and you haven't got the guts to do it to me. She's saying to me prove you, love me and you're going.
Speaker 4:Well, I'm not going to look at the girls, but I'm going to look away, rather than not look at the girls, and look at her like you're more important than they are. That's what she's looking for. I'm sorry, that's that's what I think that you know. Look at her like let's baby, I want to be with you, not look away from the other girls. Look at her like she's the most important person in the world. I mean, you missed an incredible opportunity. I'd be going to the river every bloody day so I could look at her every time. You had to look away from the girls. That's just how I feel. You know, it's not about the river.
Speaker 1:It's not about the river. It's not about the river. Greg, you're not paying her enough attention. Yeah, the river's just just had. The river's just her reason. That's her excuse for talking about it right right now you know very very rarely we'll jump to you in a second shane, I see, brother.
Speaker 1:Um, very rarely. Is what's been brought up? The issue at hand, right? I mean I said it before. Like I had a big blow up with my mother-in-law a few years ago at christmas and like ruined christmas for everybody, spectacularly, and my wife goes. Well, what did I want to know what? What she said, and I'm like I'm not telling you because you're going to go. That's pathetic. I'm like I wasn't responding to what she said in that moment. I was responding to 10 years of you know history. You like it's the same.
Speaker 1:Like she goes to the river and says the issues the river is not the issue, right, the girls at the river are not the issue. Like there's a bigger issue here. The river is just what's reminding her of it in the moment. Yeah, and it's like, at the end of the day, man, it's like and again, not not being rude, but it's like this is why women leave. It's like she's she's gonna need more attention. It's like she can't say it any simpler. And if you can't respond to that, then what? Where else can she go? Like there's nowhere else for her.
Speaker 1:It's why you know if she was giving you very, very complicated instructions, but she's not. Yeah, it's like if I say, greg, like if we're going to work together, I need you to show up to our phone calls at the scheduled time. That's as simple as it gets. And if you don't show up to those phone calls, it's like well, I can't work with you. I don't know how to make that any simpler.
Speaker 1:You that I don't know how to make that any simpler. It's like you know, and that's where many of us have wound up. It's like andrew, I need you to be less aggressive. It's like how can she make that simpler? Or, you know, I need you to be less controlling. Or I need you to be more attentive, or I need this. It's like how can that be made any simpler? How can it be made any clearer? And it's like if, when, when, what is needed is the request is made in the simplest form possible and it's still not responded to. Where has she got left to go? Divorce court is the answer well, I think we're about this close to that.
Speaker 5:Well, it's because you're not listening to her, Greg.
Speaker 1:You're that close? You're not close at all. You could turn it around Like she's telling you because she cares, bro, if she didn't care she'd be looking at the dudes or she wouldn't be inviting you to the river. You're not close to the divorce at all. I, I mean, you're only as close as you want to be. If you want, like it's. This is very simple man like. If you want to turn this around this week, show us some attention.
Speaker 5:She's telling you what you need to do I'll write that down, just because I'm so fucking stupid.
Speaker 1:You're not stupid, greg. It's like we're men, it's why we're here, you know. It's like they all tell us man, they all tell us what they need. Like this is why it's like when we go men go, it's such a surprise, I never saw it coming. It's like oh, she gave me no warning. She gave you nothing, but warning, she gave you nothing I definitely can't say it would be a surprise.
Speaker 5:I'm still faithful that this program and what you're teaching is just going to start with the simple things like give her some attention and communicate better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all right, so so that's all make her feel good about it, like right now, greg. What she's saying essentially is you're not, you're not making me feel good about myself. That's what she's saying I want. I want you to make me feel good about myself. That's what she's saying. I want you to make me feel good about myself. You don't make me feel beautiful, you don't make me feel special, and if you're unable to make me feel special, greg, I'll find someone who can. That's what she's saying. If you're unable to make me feel special, I'll find someone who can. So make her feel special.
Speaker 5:That's it I'll do that. I'll do that shane this week. This week she's gonna feel special and I'll come back next week and let you know thank you thanks, thanks, greg, that I gotta laugh.
Speaker 6:I, that was great. I, I know for me, cody, personally, when I look back and I'm journaling and I'm looking back and I'm going, man, it's like the things you say, it's like so, so obvious when you say it. But then I have to ask myself well, why in the moment, was it not so simple for me? And Greg, I don't know if this is true for you or for Andrew- for anybody.
Speaker 6:And I don't know a better way of saying it my insecurities were the earplugs to me, hearing the obvious. And so as I remove the insecurities from my life, it's like I start to see that. And so then it's like if my wife says something and it's like it's not me, it's her interpretation or she has a feeling, and I just, instead of attacking her feeling, slow down, listen, respond, you know, make it safe for her. And I go, oh man, why it's so easy, why didn't I do it in the moment? And it's just because of my, my insecurity. And so when I remove my insecurities and focus on that, I start to see that the outcomes of those conversations are completely different, and I actually don't even have to work on anything other than that Most of the time. I just remove the insecurity and then I feel safe for myself and then I can make her feel safe, because then I don't feel attacked. And so I just know, over the last six to 12 months, the more I just focus on removing insecurities, digging into those layers of my past, my childhood, my life, instead of focusing on her and digging into her layers of her childhood and her past.
Speaker 6:Because when I was doing that and focus on, like you said. It's like, well, no, you're aggressive. Well, no, you're aggressive. It's like, well, here we are. You know, I just dropped my daughter off at my wife's apartment and now I'm going to be without my daughter for seven days. Like that's the outcome that it leads to when I didn't focus on addressing and attacking my own insecurities. And so maybe, greg, maybe for you as well. It's like if my wife said to me right now in my current existence hey, let's go to the river. I'm like flying to the river, jumping into my underwear, I don't even care if I don't have a swimsuit. But six months ago I would have overanalyzed everything. I would have been so insecure, I would have you know and I would have analysis, paralysis myself out of having an awesome day with my wife. So at least that's what I'm starting to as I unpack my own life and do the work. I'm starting to see that a lot that that's spot on.
Speaker 1:Look, let let. Well, what do we got left? We got three minutes, so I'm going to try and finish on time. This is important, though.
Speaker 1:The number one fear that we all have as men is to be found out to be incompetent. It's incompetency, that's the number one fear that we have as men, and it's like, when your wife is not wanting to have sex, you, it's like, instead of addressing the issue and saying, well, we're not meeting her needs, around, that it's like that that provokes the thought of incompetent or the feeling of incompetency within us. Right, and it's like, as men, we're doing the same thing. We're trying to accentuate positive feelings or eliminate negative feelings. And if I say, well, the reason your wife doesn't want to be intimate with you is because you're not meeting her needs in that area, the way to eliminate the negative feeling around that is just to dismiss it. Just to dismiss it, because if you, if you accept that and you acknowledge that and go, well, actually that's true or that potentially is true, then you are head to head with feelings of incompetency, you're head to head with it and your ego is going to go. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You just tell cody he's an asshole and he doesn't know what he's talking about. You are amazing in the bedroom and and all of these things, right, it's when you know. No one's brought it up today. But it's like finance, like around the financial thing, right, like when these issues come. But it's like around the financial thing, right, like when these issues come up. It's like the man will typically choose, you know, going to work or the business side of things will move towards workaholism, because that's how he measures his competency. For a man to fail financially is significantly more incompetent for the man to fail in the marriage, fail financially is significantly more incompetent. For the man to fail in the marriage, you know, a man can go to another man who's failed in his marriage and the two men will just go. Oh women, who gets a man? She's just a bitch, just move on, it's no big deal. And it's like you're a hero. You can fail in your marriage and you're a hero. You fail in your business and you lose all your money and go to another man and see how you feel. How you feel. It's.
Speaker 1:The greatest fear that we all have as men is incompetency. We fear being found out. We fear being incompetent ourselves and we fear being found out as incompetent more than anything else, and we will go to any length to avoid the feelings of incompetency or being found out as incompetence, even to destroy our marriage, even to destroy our marriage. You know, you go to men and you get a man saying my wife says she just wants more time with me, she doesn't care about the business, she wants more time with me. Yeah, he spends more time in the business. Why? Because he will sacrifice his marriage to avoid the time in the business. Why? Because he will sacrifice his marriage to avoid the failure in the business.
Speaker 1:Because the failure in the business indicates incompetency and it's an ego trap. It's an ego trap, you know, and I would say a man that is demonstrating a lack of results in a certain area of life. Competency to me would be to acknowledge that lack of results and seek the solution. It wouldn't be to double down on the behavior. You know, and a lot of times it's like it's. I've got to be very careful with the communication right, because I want to attack the, not the competency of the man just talking about the issue and it's very easy. Like I could attack Greg's competency here, I could attack Andrew's competency here and it's like your competency is not an issue, it's like I want to. The issue is what needs to be attacked. The behavior is what needs to be attacked, not the competency.
Speaker 1:And a lot of times, as men, we feel like it's our competency being attacked. No greater example than driving right. Who likes a woman in the passenger seat saying, hey, maybe you should turn around, maybe you should turn the sat-nav on, maybe you should stop and get some directions? Like, is she giving that advice because she's trying to be helpful or is she giving that advice because she hates you? She's giving that advice because she's trying to help the situation.
Speaker 1:But as men, that becomes an attack of our competency, and anybody who attacks our competency we attack, because that is one thing we will not tolerate as men. We will not tolerate our competency being attacked. You know and what you're saying, shane, is absolutely right A lot of these problems are not. It's not that you can't solve the problems. It's like just put your ego down, just stop interpreting it as an attack of my competency and start looking at. You know, my wife's trying to help me here. She's telling me that she needs more. She's trying to help me. My wife's telling me that I need to be less aggressive. She's trying to help the relationship.
Speaker 6:Yeah, cody. One thing I've found is it's almost irrelevant to try to solve the problem If I, if I don't, like my foundational issue has nothing to do with my spouse, my daughter, my employees, whatever, and so it's a. It's like step zero before I can even get to step one is attack the insecurity, and if I don't attack the insecurity, there's zero chance of me being able to effectively solve the problem long term. And so it's like now I just I just go okay, I'm calm, work on myself, pause, step away. And that's where, for me, I think having that separation has been super helpful, because now I can start to like mature.
Speaker 6:It's like I was a child in so many ways, and so I'm just defensive, I'm, and there's no way I'm going to hear anything. My earplugs go in, I don't hear anything. I can't hear that my wife is deeply struggling in an area or, you know, screaming for something that she needs in her own life. I'm completely oblivious to that. I'm just going through. I feel attacked. I feel attacked. It's like I'm in the foxhole, getting shot at, and there's zero chance of me doing having any improvement at that point.
Speaker 6:And so I just think that that's been the biggest blessing for me in my life is just attacking that insecurity name it claim it, put it out there and then and now it starts to go away. It's like when you bring it in the light it just all of a sudden starts to dry up and die. But when we're we're so, we're so good at hiding it through, well, I just don't get it. I'm so confused it's like, no, we're not, we just don't want to address the fact that deep down, we have an insecurity that we're, we're, we're too insecure to attack. At least for me, that's just been my experience and look, I mean we can bring it up.
Speaker 1:I mean I'm not picking on the people on the call today. They're just the same problems all the time. My wife's too controlling. My wife thinks I'm too aggressive. My wife thinks I don't give her enough attention. My wife says this. My wife says that it's like there's only five or six problems. We hear right, you know. But but if we, if we boil it all down, every share, every hot seat is the same. It's like I'm being attacked. I'm being attacked by every hot, every hot seat, every share is the same. I'm being attacked and it's like well, again, it's what you're saying is right, is is right, shames like. I don't want to go off on another sermon here because I was.
Speaker 1:My goal was to keep this timely today, but it's like it's the tfar cycle thoughts, feelings, action, results. If your thought is is I'm being attacked, what feeling is that going to produce? It's going to produce, you know, negative feeling. If you, if you're, if you think my competency is being attacked, that's going to, that's going to produce a very defensive feeling which is going to produce very negative results. You know. That's why you know the negative interpretation and the escalation is such an important thing, right? It's like the TFAR cycle thoughts, feelings, actions, results and negative interpretation and escalation. They just fit together like a hand in glove. And escalation, they just fit together like a hand and glove. You know, like, if you know, if you go, my wife is accusing me of this and it's like it's an accusation and attack. Well, that, where do you go with that? You're going to go into attack mode, right, you're going to go into defense mode, whatever it's like if, if your wife says something and you go, she's, she's trying to help this relationship, she's trying to help this situation. That's going to take you somewhere else and and you know, it's like again, 80, 20 man. Simple, simple things like one.
Speaker 1:One of the most powerful, better results come from asking better questions, right, and the best question you can ask is what else could this mean? One of the most powerful, better results come from asking better questions, right, and the best question you can ask is what else could this mean? What else could this mean? My wife's telling me that I'm not paying her enough attention. Well, what else could this mean? My wife's telling me I'm being aggressive. What else could this mean? My wife's telling me that I'm controlling. What else could this mean Other than I'm being attacked, my competency I'm controlling. What else could this mean Other than I'm being attacked, my competency is being challenged. What else could this mean?
Speaker 1:And come up with an empowering meaning. Because, like, once you come up with an empowering meaning, that's the thought part of the TFAR cycle thoughts, feelings, actions, results. It's like if you come up with an empowering thought, it'll come up with an empowered feeling and nothing's going to change. But it's like, you know, shane said it perfectly and we'll wrap it up here shane said it perfectly, right? It kind of ties this all nicely together until you address your own insecurities, until you address your own fears, until you address your own ego, how can the situation get better? It's not like it can't. You cannot work on the situation. You can only work on yourself. And when you work on, you know when, when you change yourself, that how the world responds to you changes.
Speaker 1:It's like how would your's like?
Speaker 1:How would your life be different? How would your marriage be different if you never felt attacked? How would your marriage be different if you never felt criticized within your marriage? Would it be different? I would hypothesize that if we had a complete and total inability to feel criticism within the marriage, it would be vastly different. Most of the problems within the marriage come from an interpretation of I'm being criticized that produces an escalation and a hostile response. Right, a hostile situation. An escalation and a hostile response. Right, a hostile situation. How would your marriage be different if you could not feel criticized? It was impossible for you, but that's your choice. I mean, criticism comes down to interpretation. That's all it is. And it's like Shane says, that's not got anything to do with your wife, that's got to do with your past experiences.
Speaker 1:You know, all of us were punished as children for being who we are at some point. Like we tried to express ourselves and we were told to shut up. We tried to express ourselves and we were told to sit down. All of us were and we were told to sit down. All of us were and we learned from you know that was. You know, as a three-year-old, as a seven-year-old, you have no power to overcome that. When you try to express yourself as a seven-year-old and you're told to sit down and shut up, children should be seen and not heard or whatever. It's like you're criticized. It's like you just form at a very young age, like all input is criticism, like you're criticized. It's like you just form at a very young age like all input is criticism or you know something very negative like that and like until that's dealt with inside of yourself that there's no way forward.
Speaker 4:You know you got two choices.
Speaker 1:My wife. My wife has to stop criticizing me or I can, or I can stop interpreting her communication as criticism, which is more likely that your wife's just going to completely conform, but like she's expressing herself and you're causing the same injury that was inflicted on you. When she expresses herself, you tell her to sit down, shut up and be quiet. You tell her to sit down, shut up and be quiet. Versus, go and express yourself in any way you see fit, because I'm strong enough. I'm strong enough If that's how you want to express yourself. I'm a strong enough man to take that. I'm strong enough in my mind to find a positive interpretation. I'm a strong enough man to move forward positively with that. And even if it's genuine criticism, I'm going to ask the question is it constructive and can I benefit from it? You know it's like.
Speaker 1:This is fundamentally the question people ask, right, nine out of ten people who show up at this program or have problems with their wife. The question they ask is how can I change my wife? The answer is you can't. The solution is how can I change myself to where her behavior is completely cool with me, completely cool with me? All right, guys, I I'm gonna wrap it up there, because I'm in danger. I'm in danger of going off on a completely complete tangent here and I don't want to do that. So I'm gonna I'm gonna pull the plug up before I do that. So what are we at? Only 11 minutes over. I tried to keep it short last week and I went, I think, 28 minutes over. I'm down to 11 minutes this week, so this is called progress, boys thanks guys all right guys thanks guys bless you all thanks guys.