The Golden Rule In Saving Your Marriage

🚨 Save Your Marriage And Win Your Wife Back
FREE Masterclass for men who feel like it’s already over.
https://codybutlercoaching.com/broadcast?utm_source=podcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Alright, so today I want to talk to you about really what is the golden rule in saving your marriage, and that is seek first to understand before being understood. So our goal here to save our marriage is we want to influence reality, right? We want to have influence. That's essentially what we're doing here is we want to have influence over our wife, we want to have influence over our marriage, we want to have influence over our family. And to be honest, beyond that as well, we want to have influence in the world that we live in as a whole. But in order to have influence, you must first accurately perceive what reality is. If you're seeing reality as something other than what it is, it's going to cause you to make an inaccurate diagnosis and then, of course, come up with a plan that simply isn't going to work. So the question that actually changes everything inside of your marriage is this, right? If she's going to come back to you, if she's going to come back into this marriage, is it going to be for your reasons or is it going to be for her reasons? That's the question we've all got to ask ourselves. And of course, the answer's obvious, right? We all understand that if she's going to come back into this marriage, it's clearly going to be for her reasons. It's not going to be for your reasons. And in fact, at this point, your reasons are not going to have any bearing at all on whether she comes back into this marriage or not at this point in time. So the fundamental breakdown and why most men actually fail in the task of reconciling their marriage when, in all honesty, it's in her interest to come back. Everything points to her coming back, right? That we're not teenagers in high school where you break up and then you just get on with your life. She has every reason to come back in a normal marriage. There's financial stress if she doesn't come back. There's damage to her to her children, to the family, there's social pressures, there's social stigma, there's starting over again at a much later age in life. She's not 24 anymore. Starting over again for her really is the worst case scenario in every way possible. So when we understand that she has every incentive to come back, but she's not, then there are some barriers standing in the way. And if we can uncover those barriers, then all we need to do is remove those, and likely she will come back. So understanding what her reasons for coming back would be is absolutely critical. So what the man does typically in a divorce scenario is he gives he gives her his reasons why he thinks she should come back. He tells her why she should stay, why she's wrong leaving. If I could only show her how much I love her, she'd understand and she'd stay. If I can show her why this marriage matters, if I can show her why divorce is a mistake, if I can show her the damage that she's doing to the children, if I can show her how this is going to impact her negatively financially, all of these things, right, come into the man's mind and think he thinks if I can show her these things, if I can have her understand all of these reasons, she will come back. And fundamentally, it comes down to the man thinks, if I can just show her how much I love her, that's going to be enough for her to come back into the marriage. But these are all your reasons for her to come back. None of these are her reasons for her to come back. So the irony is that every argument that the man makes in this situation, it presents his argument for her coming back. It makes no effort to understand her reasons or her position whatsoever. So the bigger problem here is the man never asks himself, what are her reasons? What does she need from this marriage? What's she experiencing right now that's making her want to leave and needs to be removed from this marriage? What caused this problem in the first place? And what is she actually trying to escape from here? So a good example here is I was a restaurantur in my in my younger years, uh, essentially a management role. I had many, many employees at one point I was responsible for. And in order to get the most productivity out of your employees, to get the most benefit for everyone, is you have to understand what motivates the employee. Now, like I talk to people all the time, and they go, it's easy. If someone's at work, it's money, you just give them more money, and it's like, well, for a small percentage of people, that is the case. They they're simply there for the money, and if you want them to work harder, hold that as the carrot. If you work harder, you get more money. But that that's not even, I would say, the majority of people. It's understanding what is acting, why is this person here and what's actually motivating them. And a lot of times there would be housewives, for example, who were coming from affluent homes who didn't need the money. Their husband made plenty of money for them, but they were there because they were not feeling validated, they didn't feel valued at home, they didn't feel appreciated at home, they didn't feel like they were getting recognized for making a distant difference, and they were coming into the workforce because they simply wanted to be appreciated. They simply wanted to feel valued. And by understanding what that person's reasons were for being in the workforce, I could motivate that person to get the maximum out of them, to get them to really want to perform. Now, there's a big difference between somebody performing because it's expected of them, because they're getting a paycheck, and somebody wanting to perform because they're loyal to you and the business, and they actually want to be appreciated. And the same is true in the marriage. A lot of times I'll talk to men and they go, it's obvious why she wants to leave. No, it's not obvious at all. She just wants to be with another man. No, rarely is that the case. Rarely is that the case. If you can understand what is motivating her to leave, then you can solve the problem. So typically, often a few of the things that she might be experiencing that's going to cause her to want to leave. Which again, a lot of similarities here between the marketplace, right, the workplace motivating people and getting them to perform how you want them. Or in other words, how do I have influence over this person? I recognize what they want and they provide it, I can then provide it for them. What she's experiencing is she's not feeling heard in the relationship. You don't ever listen to me, you don't pay any attention, nothing I say matters to you. Not understood, not validated, not seen. More of the same dynamic, more of the same communication style. That's why you'll hear stuff like, this is a waste of time. I've told you a hundred times what the problem is. I'm not, I'm just done talking about this. Why? Because to her it's now pointless. It's just more of the same. She's tried to be understood, and all she is met with you trying to get your viewpoint across, assuming that if she understands you, then that will change everything. There's no necessity for you to understand her because if she understands you, her viewpoint simply doesn't matter. So the core insight here is fundamentally at whatever level she's leaving the marriage because she doesn't feel understood. You don't understand the problem that she's experiencing, you don't understand fill in the blank, right? She's fundamentally leaving because she feels like you don't understand her, the situation, or the problem. And the man's solution to this lack of understanding is by demanding that she understands him, that she understands his position. Now be clear here, this is not that you're a horrible man. It's that there's just a lack of emotional intelligence and emotional sophistication going on. There's just this underlying belief that if she understood how much I loved her, if she understood what I'd do for this marriage, if she understood I'd die for her, if she understood I'd give everything for my family, if she understood all of my reasons, she'd stay. But this is the very problem that's making the situation worse. So the irony here is the man is attempting to save the marriage by doubling down on the exact communication pattern that helped create the crisis in the first place. His solution to her leaving because she doesn't feel understood is to double down on a lack of understanding. Which we're all intelligent men here, right? We can imagine what the outcome to that is. So here's the thing, right? Why this will never work, she already understands what your reasons are, believe it or not. So we as men just assume she hasn't considered the financial cost, the emotional cost to the the children, to herself, to the the wider family. She hasn't she hasn't considered the emotional impact, she hasn't considered the impact on the family, she hasn't considered the impact on her reputation, her future, all of these things, the social stigma. But here's the thing, right? She has weighed all of these reasons into her decision, and she's still chosen to leave the marriage. Women don't just leave the marriage. A woman typically has been considering this decision for 18 months or more prior to informing you. This is like the FBI issuing an arrest warrant, right? By the time the F FBI knock on your door and say you're under arrest, you're already in a lot of trouble, man. They've built the case. There's there's they're not knocking on your door to let you know that we're investigating you, so hide everything. They're letting you know that we've already completed the investigation and we have enough evidence to prosecute this. You're in a lot of trouble by the time an arrest warrant is issued. The same is true here. She's considered all of the evidence. She's considered all of the costs, and by the time she brings the marriage to you, then it she's already made her mind up at that point. So given her all of these things, it's just it's not helpful at this point. You have to introduce something new that she hasn't considered before. So what seeking to understand actually means it's everything has to go on the table, nothing's off limits. Especially the topics that threaten your identity, your competency, your leadership, and your self-image. So let me give you an example here of how this works, right? Like every two or three months, I'll I'll take my children individually and we'll go out, I'll have a day out with just that individual child, and I'll ask them the question, how am I doing as a father? How am I doing? Evaluate me as a father. And most of the time it's fine. They go, oh, it's eight out of ten, dad. And I'm like, why not nine out of ten? Or where am I? And they go, oh, because you don't give us enough screen time, or something silly like that, right? Nothing to be concerned about. But there was a time recently where I had a situation with my son, and I punished him, and I said, You you lose your computer now. And he goes, for how long? And I just said, I don't know, whatever, till you're 18. Like I was just being flippant, right? I didn't mean till he was 18, I meant till further notice. I was angry, I was emotional, and I just said, till you're 18. And over the next few weeks, his his behavior continued to deteriorate. So I punished him more for the deteriorating behavior, which created it created even more deterioration in his behavior. And I'm like, this is what is going on here? Like, he's just becoming a delinquent. He's just becoming a delinquent child. He was nine years old at the time. And I pulled him off. We went on our day out and I asked him, I said, How am I doing as a father, EJ? And he goes, Oh, pretty good for you know, seven out of ten. I'll give you seven out of ten, pretty good for the most part. And I said, Well, why not an eight out of ten? Why not a nine out of ten? And he goes, Well, because you've banned me from my computer. And he goes, I understand I was misbehaving and I deser I deserved punishment, Dad. I deserved to get punished. And I accept that. But banning me till I'm 18 was completely unreasonable. It was just not in order for what it was not in line with what I did. And I it dawned on me, I'm like, oh my goodness. Like he's he's literally assumed that he's now banned till he's 18 years old, nine years, and his deteriorating behavior is in response to my lack of reasonableness. He's responding to me being unre which in fact I was unreasonable, right? He didn't know I was just being flippant, saying you've been banned for nine years for something fairly minor. I was being unreasonable. The problem did lie with me, and his behavior, his pushback was in response to my unreasonable response to his behavior. I was the problem. And having a quick conversation with him and going, okay, look, I'm sorry, that I didn't mean till you're 18, I was angry, and I meant till further notice, and you can have your computer back now, it's over. Your punishment is over. It it was a simple problem that could be reset very quickly. But here's the thing, right? This is how you lose your children. That that was a trigger incident that potentially at 18 years old, my son no longer talks to me because he's continued to slide, his behavior's continued to slide in response to my bad behavior, my inappropriate parenting. I've responded in return, and we've just gone in this death spiral of going down and down and down, so you arrive at a point where your son just doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. And it's like that didn't just happen out of the blue. But by having that conversation, seeking to understand his position, I was able to get that within a few weeks of the problem happening and the relationship, relationships reset and we're fine. But here's the thing, right? Like my children have to have amnesty when they do that. Because a lot of times when they say, You're not being a great parent, it threatens my identity, it threatens my competency, it threatens my leadership. I have to look at myself. How many of us have gone to our children and gone, how am I doing as a parent? How am I doing as a father? And giving them that emotional amnesty to where they become safe. I do the same thing with I ask them, is there anything else you want to talk to me about? Anything you can talk to me about anything right now. And there's a there's emotional amnesty, there's no punishment. And a lot of times, you know, they'll bring up stuff and go, I went to this website, dad, that you told me not to go to, and I saw some stuff that really bothered me, right? And by giving them that amnesty, I I can stay in their life. I can help them, I can help them work through that. But if they if they go, I went to this website that you told me not to go to, and if they're gonna get punished by going there, they're not gonna talk about the fact that they were disturbed. They're not gonna they're not gonna talk about the fact. They want to discuss this stuff with me, but I have to let them do that as a parent. The same is true as a husband. We've shut our wife out of the conversation because we've sought to be understood before seeking to understand the other person. And when was the last time we went to our wife and went, how am I doing as a husband? How am I doing? Probably never, right? Because that's why we're here, because that question brings about potential conversation that we really don't want to have. What if she goes, You're doing a horrible job as a husband? Are you able to are you strong enough to take that and go, okay, help me understand that? Or are you going to attack that and go, I don't agree with that, I don't see it that way, I don't think that's true. So what seeking to understand before being understood actually involves it's the willingness to reconsider who I actually am. Am I willing to reconsider that? Is it possible that I'm actually somebody other than who I think I am? Is it possible that I've deceived myself? Because understanding this or putting understanding of someone else before your own understanding, you are very probably going to be brought face to face with the reality of I wasn't as safe as I thought I was. I wasn't as available as I thought I was. I wasn't, I wasn't listening as well as I thought I was. I wasn't leading my family as well as I thought I was. In the same way that I had to, when my son brought that up, I had to look at myself and go, I'm not the father that I thought I was. I'm not the parent that I believed myself to be. I'm not, I thought I was a reasonable parent, but my child was spiraling out of control because I was unreasonable. It wasn't nothing to do with him. But here's the thing, again, we get to 18 years old or 15 years old and the situation is lost, it's out of control. And we go, it's teenagers, it's social media, it's screens, it's society, it's school, it's everything but the problem, right? Everything but the problem. But when we trace it back to its root cause, we're actually the problem, and that problem was very solvable. Or in other words, the actual strategy is do battle with the monster while the monster's still a baby. Don't let the monster grow into a full-grown beast before you decide to do battle with it. It was very easy for me to solve that problem because it was only four or five weeks, maybe three weeks, something like that, into the problem. The monster was still a baby. I was able to take the monster out before it could fight back. Had I not asked that question, that that monster would have grown into a full-grown beast, and at 18 years old, we got a problem. The same is true in your marriage. The real understanding requires curiosity, humility, openness to being wrong, and a re-examination of the situation. Again, with my children, I ask them, How am I doing as a father? Give me a score out of ten. Oh, pretty good, dad. About eight out of ten, okay, why not nine? Why not nine out of ten? Well, because you do this and this and this. One time I asked that question, they go, Well, you get really angry with mum sometimes. It's like, okay. This is confronting. So then you gotta get curious, right? You gotta get some humility. Okay, well, how do you feel about that? You know, well, it scares me when you get angry with mum. Okay, well, this is confronting, isn't it? This is not something I thought I was gonna have to deal with today. I'm scaring my children. I don't like the way you talk to mum. Okay, that's confronting. You have to be open to this. This is this is what leadership requires of you. This is what restoring your marriage requires of you. It's being able to ask the hard questions. Many of you, I'll talk to you. And you'll show up and you'll say, I want to be right, Cody, more than I want to be married. Okay, well, okay, really? Yeah, I do, Cody. I want to be right more than I want to be married. Okay, so do I have your permission to share with you what I see is going wrong in my humble opinion? Sure, Cody, tell me. Well, you're very argumentative and disagreeable. You just argue with all you want to do is argue and push back on everything. Well, I don't think that's true, Cody. That's the first response. Well, I don't think that's true, Cody. It's like, well, hang on a second, I just told you you're argumentative and your first response is to argue with me. Well, I understand why you would see it that way, but I don't if you understood what I was actually truly trying to say, you wouldn't so you're arguing with me again, bro. You argue with me all the time. Or you argue all the time. No, I don't. Yes, you do, I don't think so. Okay. Versus seeking to understand, it requires curiosity. This is this is really the number one thing, right? If I say, if I'm if I say to a man, the biggest challenge that I see that you have with your marriage right now is you're very argumentative and you push back on everything and you just want to argue and fight. If that's your wife saying that and you go, I don't agree with that, you've just validated that what she's saying is true. If you go, okay, well, I I never saw it that way, but I okay, help me understand that. Help me help me see that. Because if that is how I'm coming across, then that's not good. You have you have to have the willingness to re examine your situation, you have to have the openness to be wrong, and you have to make it okay to be wrong. It is okay to be wrong, man. It's not weakness. Because here's the rule, right? Results are truth. Results are the truth. If your wife is leaving you, you're doing something wrong. You're doing something that she can't live with. Results are not opinions, not attentions, not explanations. We look at the situation and we allow the situation to inform our view of truth. If you plant seeds in the spring and you think you've plant you've planted tomatoes, and in the fall, you have a bunch of watermelons growing, you planted watermelon seeds. But many of you will argue that point with me metaphorically. I'll say, look, you planted what you planted tomatoes, tomatoes, tomato, tomato, potato, potatoes. You planted tomatoes. Or you you think you planted tomatoes, you're telling me, but in this in the the harvest is watermelons. You planted watermelon seeds, bro. You planted watermelons. Well, I don't think that's true, Cody. You're gonna argue with the fruit. The fruit, look, your field's full of bloody watermelons. Why are you arguing this point? The results are the truth. The results are you have a field full of watermelon. Your opinion watermelons, your opinion does not matter at this point. Well, I intended, I never intended to plant watermelons, Cody. I I thought I was planting my intentions with tomatoes. Who cares? Who cares? Okay, well, I kind of see what you're saying. Well, somebody must have I went to the farming store and they asked for tomato seeds. Somebody must have given me watermelon seeds by mistake. Who cares? You've got watermelons. Your opinions, your intentions, your explanations, your reasons do not matter. You've got a field full of watermelons. And the same is true with your marriage. At what point do we stop using opinions, intentions, and explanations as a measurement of truth, and we start looking at the results? Because once we look at the results, we can actually accurately diagnose the problem and we can, you know, here's the great thing, right? Yeah, you got watermelons this four, you wanted tomatoes, and you're not gonna have the crop you wanted. But guess what? You get to plant again next spring. You get to plant again. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna go back to the farm store and make the same mistake, or are you gonna go, okay, well, clearly, Cody, someone bamboozled me, I asked them for tomato seeds, and they gave me watermelon seeds. So the problem is not they bamboozled you, the problem is you can't tell the difference between tomato seeds and watermelon seeds. That's the problem. If you could, you couldn't get bamboozled, could you? You would understand what's going on. The problem is not with the person that sold you the seeds, the problem is with the person who bought the seeds because they didn't understand what they were buying. So again, the evidence. The marriage is collapsing, the wife wants out. Therefore, something is true whether you agree with it or not, right? Whether you agree with the situation or not, she has that she has reasons to leave this marriage. And they're her reasons, not yours. And in all honesty, if you if you are truly wanting to save the marriage, if you truly do desire to be married more than you desire to be right, then the best position is just to strip it back to bare wood and go, uh uh let's just start again. I know nothing. I I'm gonna hold on to nothing here. I'm gonna hold on to no beliefs, I'm gonna hold on to no ideas, I'm gonna start out again, and I'm gonna simply start, I'm gonna try to understand everything before being understood. This plays out in every aspect of your life. You buy crypto without understanding it, and you lose your money. You buy stocks without understanding the business, you lose your money. The truth is you're in a sales and marketing role right now. That's the position you're in. You've got to sell your wife on the idea that you're the best alternative for her, that you're the best option. And here's the thing, right? Like, again, nobody buys anything for your reasons. If I go to a car dealership and I say I'm interested, uh if I just show up and I say I'm interested in buying an automobile, and then the person goes, okay, let me go show you the pickup trucks. What are the chances that I showed up wanting a pickup truck? Or a person goes, let me show you the sports cars. And he takes me over there and he spends a half an hour showing me the sports cars. What are the what are the chances of him making a sale? Almost nothing. If the man shows up and goes, I say, I'm here to buy an automobile, and he goes, What kind of automobile would you like? I'd like a family car. Okay, well, here's our family car range. And then he goes into telling me all this happened to me recently, right? It goes into telling me all of the features. This has got fiber carbon fiber composite frame and it's got this and it's got that, and it does this many miles to the gala. It's like, who gives a crap? They're his reasons for me buying the car, not mine. If he wanted to sell me that car, he'd go, what kind of what are you interested in? I'm interested in a family car. Well, what what are the things that are most important for you? Tell me what absolutely has to be present, Cody. What are your non-negotiables? Well, it needs it needs my my primary concern is safety. I want a car that's going to protect my family, family, something that can take a knock and protect the family. Okay, so you're looking for something with some weight to it. Okay, well, then carbon fiber is not going to be a selling point, is it? Steel, I want steel. The same is true. In your marriage, we go there trying to sell her on the idea of what we want instead of what she's actually looking for. Many of you who are in this program, we start out the initial conversation with tell me about your situation, tell me what's going on. Do I need that? No, I've done this for a long time. It's like, to be honest with you, like generally one or two sentences will tell me what's going on in the marriage. But if you show up to a call with me and go, Cody, let me tell you what's going on in my marriage, and I go, shut your mouth. I don't need to know, I already know what's going on in your marriage. Let me tell you what's going on in your marriage. It's like, A, does it build rapport? B, does it cause you to listen to me? C, does it create any level of influence whatsoever? D, does it make you believe that I understand what is actually going on in your marriage? Or E, does it just make you think that I'm just an arrogant jerk? The truth of the matter is, I don't really need most of the time to know very much about your situation. To know what's going on. It's like the it's like the field, right? If you go, my field's full of watermelons and I planted tomato seeds, it's like I pretty much know the story, right? Like I know what happened, I know where the deficiencies are in your ability to farm, to identify sea, all of that stuff. It's like I know the story pretty much. But unless you tell, unless I allow you to tell me your side of the story, you're not gonna believe that I understand what's going on. If you show up to a one-to-one call with me and say, Okay, let me just give you a little background on my story, and I go, no, I don't want the background. Here's what you're gonna do. Blah, blah, blah, right? Bye. Could be effective. But the chances of you listening to me are absolutely zero at that point. Zero. Chances of me having influence are zero. So what's seeking to understand looks like? It starts out with looking at outcomes instead of defending narratives. What do I mean by that? I've got watermelons in my field, Cody. I thought I planted tomate tomatoes, but clearly I didn't. So I've got a problem. I need help with this. Versus telling the story. Just look at the outcome. The marriage is in collapse. Something is wrong. It's about asking the question, what am I missing here instead of how do I convince her? How do I con what's going on in this situation? Again, the watermelon seed is a great example. Like you got a field full of watermelons. The quest the quest the best question is, what did I miss? Where did I go wrong? Where did I drop the ball? Where where did this all fall apart? Instead of how do I convince Cody that this is actually a tomato, not a watermelon? How do I convince this watermelon it's a tomato, right? It's fairly absurd. So the correct order, man. One, understand her position. Two, hear her concerns. Three, validate her reality. Four, then communicate your position. Only after. Now let me understand let's just pull up number three here. Validate her reality. How she feels is real. If she feels that you're not listening, that's real. Like doesn't mean that you're not listening, it means that you're validating how she feels, not the reality of the situation. Most men will argue here and go, well, actually, I am listening. See? You said this, this, and this. See, I am listening. But if she feels like you're not listening, then validating that, going, I hear that, I understand. That you don't feel like I'm listening, help me understand that. What am I doing that's causing you to feel that way? So the mistake that men make is that they believe listening equals agreement. It does not. I had a situation recently where a friend family friend came and stayed at the house with two children, two young children, and there was a there the the the mother got upset with the son, and he stormed off, as he always does, into a bedroom and just sat there and just started sulking basically and being really disagreeable. And the mother got really angry and said, He does this all the time. This is a problem. This needs to be fixed, he needs to change. So I went into the bedroom and I asked him, I said, What's what's what's the problem? What's the problem? And he goes, She never listens to me. She never listens to me, she never hears my side of the story. Which was absolutely true. What happened was he had an altercation with his brother. The the parent just started shouting at him. And he goes, Let me, can I tell you what actually happened? And she goes, No, go to your room. And by just asking the question, what's going on? What are you actually upset about? She never listens to me as the problem. Okay, well, I'll listen to you. What's going on? And as soon as he gave his side of the story, he calmed down. But I went back to the mother and I said, Here's the thing, right? You think that listening to his side of the story is validating his argument. It's not. Because you listen to somebody tell their story does not mean you agree or val or agree with their story or you're validating their story. He can give his side of the story, and then you can go, well, that's not, you're telling me my eyes are lying. But unless that child is listened to, he's just gonna feel victimized and he's gonna behave as though he's been victimized, right? So listening is not an endorsement of the situation, it's not approval of the situation, it's not your sponsorship or your surrender to the situation. If your wife goes, you never listen to me, and you go, okay, well, talk to me about that, that's not agreeing that you never listened to her. That's asking her, what are your reasons for you arriving at the conclusion that you don't listen to me, so I can understand? Because as with my son, I did not realize that I'd caused that problem. Is it possible that maybe you're causing some problems that you're not aware of? Of course, of course it is. What listening actually is, it's it's understanding their point of view without agreement, it's gathering information, and it's you starting to see reality more clearly. So why is this important? When when she finally feels heard, seen and understood, it removes emotional pressure, it removes defensiveness, and it and conversation becomes possible again in the same way that when I ask my children, how am I doing as a parent, as a father, and they say, you know, maybe not great, you could be doing better. When I actually listen to that, they feel seen, heard, and understood. When they don't get punished for sharing that viewpoint, it creates an environment where the emotional pressure decreases to where they can actually come to me and say, What the problems are, Dad, look, I don't like the way you're doing this, or dad, this is, you know, this seems unfair to us, right? Conversation becomes possible. This is where harmony lives, this is where restoration lives. It's in conversation. But the hidden message between behind the understand me first, and again, this is not, you know, this can be if she understood how much I love her, she'd change her mind. If she just understood how much I cared, if she just understood how much I'm willing to change. These are all your, these are all your messages, these are all your reasons. When the man basically says, you need to understand my position, the hidden message is often your position is your position, wife, is unnecessary because once you understand mine, you'll realize that I'm right. We get that all the time, right, in the Q ⁇ A section of these calls. You see it. A man will present a point of view, I'll disagree. He'll present the same point of view again from a different position, then the same point of view again, and then finally will say, I don't think you're understanding me. I don't think you're understanding me, Cody. What effectively is being said there is if you understood, if you you can't possibly be understanding me, because if you did understand me, you would realize that I'm right. And until you actually acknowledge that I'm right, then you're not understanding me. That's a brick wall. That's a divorce for you. So why is this the only path forward? The golden rule. Seek to understand before being understood. The marriage will not heal without conversation. You and your wife are gonna have to talk. The relationship with my son was not gonna heal until that rift was talked about. It would have just continued to deteriorate on forever and ever and ever. She's not gonna change her mind without conversation. And she will not discuss difficult realities while you remain committed to defending yourself, which means persuading her that your position is right, or being understood. I need you to understand my position. I don't feel like you listen to me. Well, I do, and I need you to understand that. I never she she might say something like, I I haven't felt loved by you for years, right? That's her reason for leaving. I don't feel loved, I don't feel appreciated. And the man goes, that's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. Let me explain to you why you're loved, let me explain to you why you're why you're appreciated, all of your reasons. And she just goes, what a waste of time, man. So we're at the better question stage, right? Every solution, every situation is improved by a better question. So the question, the better question to ask, or the question to stop asking is how do I make her understand me? How do I become understood? And start asking the question, what is she trying to tell me that I still don't understand in this situation? What is trying to be communicated here that I don't get? Dethrone yourself. Give her the emotional bandwidth to put anything and everything on the table. So a core takeaway. Most men try to save the marriage by being understood. Most women leave the marriage essentially because they don't feel understood. The path to reconciliation is not persuasion, it's understanding. Understanding first does not eliminate your voice. It simply puts it in the correct order. If you listen to her point of view honestly and openly, and with a truly open mind, with curiosity, it then creates the environment for her to hear your voice. Understanding creates dialogue, dialogue creates possibility. Without that understanding, there is no path forward. There is literally no path forward. Well, you're still in the paradigm of I need to be understood if I ever understand, or I need to be understood before understanding there's no path forward in this marriage, period. The only reason she would come back is because the alternative of leaving is worse than actually coming back. Like the women will come back for reasons other than they love you. The financial reality sucks, the dating reality sucks, being alone sucks. When she actually looks at the reality of separation or divorce, that real when that reality becomes a reality, it's actually worse than staying with you. But that I would hypothesize is not why you want her back. You want her back because she chooses to come back and she loves you. So the conclusion here, man, is most men try to save the marriage by getting their wife to understand them. While the marriage often collapsed because she never felt understood by them. Do you see the paradigm here? The paradigm shift that's required. The very problem that caused the collapse in the first place is now being employed as the mechanism that's going to bring about reconciliation. It is not. This is like saying the problem to debt is more debt. The problem to to war is more war. Never gonna happen. So that's it. Let's jump over to the QA.