She Wants A Divorce…Here’s What To Do Now

► Work With Me Personally: https://codybutlercoaching.com/broadcast?utm_source=podcast

🚨 If you want to save your marriage and Win Your Wife Back, watch my masterclass here: https://codybutlercoaching.com/broadcast?utm_source=podcast

This workshop is built from nearly a decade of working with men in marriage crisis, watching some recover their marriage and watching others fail. The patterns are predictable.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So we're going to make a really bold promise to you right now. By the end of this video, you will know with certainty and you will have clarity on whether your marriage can be saved, whether you can get your wife back, or whether it's just not meant to be. Now, let's start out with the most important question that you are ever going to be asked when it comes to saving your marriage, and the answer is going to determine whether it's possible to save your marriage or not, whether your wife will be willing to change her mind about divorce, whether she will be willing to invite you back into her life. And that question is if she was willing, if she did decide to change her mind about the situation right now, would it be for her reasons or would it be for your reasons? Have a think about that for a second. Well, the answer, of course, is she would do it for her reasons. She would invite you back into the marriage for her reasons. But unfortunately, this is not how we address the problem as men. Now, when I start working with men, I've worked with literally thousands of men, and one of the most common things that I hear when I start working with them is if I could only show my wife how much I love her, she'd understand and she'd come back. If she could just see how much she means to me, if she just knew what I'm willing to do, or questions like this, statements like this, right? But the truth is, are they your reasons for her coming back into the marriage, or are they her reasons for coming back into the marriage? Now, when we understand that, then the key here ultimately is going to be to start to address her reasons for coming back into the marriage, start to understand her reasons for coming back into the marriage, and start to act upon her reasons for coming back into the marriage. Now, the problem is most of us have just got absolutely no clue what her reasons for coming back into the marriage, and to be perfectly honest, most of us really are much more concerned about our reasons. Now, again, I've worked with a lot of men, and if you're watching this, you're probably feeling some feelings along the line of like disrespected, like my wife doesn't care, my wife's just given up. Maybe she's calling you a narcissist, she's selfish, she's saying things that just seem crazy to you, like you never loved me at all. I hear that all the time. Women saying you never loved me, and it's just men just can't understand that. It doesn't compute with them, or maybe they're saying you're controlling, you're toxic, all of these things, and as men, we want to address those. That hurts us, right? We haven't gone into this relationship to be disres disrespectful and to neglect her and abuse her. And when she says you never listen to me, or you're controlling, or you're selfish, or you're this or you're that. We want to prove she's incorrect, we want to prove her wrong, and that is a massive mistake because what are you doing in that situation? Are you are you trying to appeal to her reasons to come back, or are you trying to give her your reasons why she's wrong? Now, another question that is going to be really, really determinative of whether you can save this marriage or not is going to be do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Now, it sounds like an easy question, it sounds like a silly question to some extent, but when you think about this, the truth is many men that come to me, many men that are watching this right now, they would rather be right than married. And when we fully understand that if our wife's going to come back into the relationship for her reasons, not our reasons, then us being right, us, you know, when she says, Well, you're narcissistic or you're selfish or you never loved me or you never listen to me or you never do this or you always think about yourself, and we give out our reasons for the fact that she's wrong or the fact that she's misinterpreted, we're giving her our reasons to stay in the relationship instead of looking to her reasons to why she would come back. She's telling you the problems in the relationship that needs to be addressed, and instead of taking those on board and addressing those problems, we give her our reasons why she's wrong or our reasons why she'd stay. Now, let me give you a quick story quickly. When I was much younger, I was about 19 years old, I got pulled over for speeding, and like a dumb 19-year-old, I got a little bit cheeky with the police officer that pulled me over, and he said I said some stuff I shouldn't have said, and long story short, I ended up being required for a court appearance to explain my behavior to the judge. Now, the day of the court appearance shows up, and I'm on the court step uh courthouse steps waiting to go in, and my lawyer shows up. I've had to hire a lawyer for this, and uh he says, Cody, let's just let's just go over quickly what's gonna happen, what goes on in this courthouse and how this is gonna play out. He said, Let me tell you something. He goes, You're the one dumb enough to get yourself in this mess, and I'm the one who's smart enough to get you out. So, this is how this is gonna play out. You're not gonna talk in there. If the judge requires you to talk, you look at me and I will give you permission to talk, and you do not talk unless I give you that permission to talk. Again, you were the one that got yourself into this mess, I'm the one smart enough to get yourself out of this mess, and of course, we go through it, and he was absolutely right, he got me off with a little bit more than a slap on the wrist, and you know, I gave an apology to the to the court and the police officer. But that's exactly what's going on here, and again, I I said at the beginning, my big promise was you're gonna know with clarity and you're gonna know with certainty what is the reality, what is the possibility of saving your marriage at the end of this, and that I tell that story because that's a really big part of it. The question is, and I don't say this to be to be rude or to be mean, it's like, are you able to recognize that you were the one that got yourself into this mess and you're not going to be the one to get yourself out of this mess? Now, continuing with the the legal analogy, right? They say that the the uh a man that defends himself, a man that represents himself has a fall for a client, and that's absolutely true in this situation here. So, one of the things that's really determinative of what it what is the possibility of you saving this marriage? Well, it's it's it's it's wisdom to know when you're in over your head. It's like it's the ability to recognize that you're in a situation that you don't know how to get out of, and it's having the humility to recognize that you need help, and it's having the courage to literally ask for that help. You've got to recognize that you're in over your head, and the intelligence that has created this problem, the mind that's created this problem, is not gonna be the one that solves the problem. A great analogy, right, is like the bankers who have destroyed the economy and then say we have to fix this, we're the ones that are qualified to fix this. It's absolute insanity. So it's about recognizing that you're not going to be able to work your way or talk your way out of this situation by yourself. There's some expert guidance, is definitely gonna be beneficial. So, having said that, now let's look at what it is that's going on with your wife. Again, is she gonna come back for your reasons or for her reasons? She's gonna come back for her reasons. We've talked about that, right? So let's look at her reasons and understand things, or at least make an effort to understand things from her perspective. And to do that, we've got to go back to the beginning of the relationship. Now, I hear all the time uh men get very discouraged and they go, Oh, well, she's told me it's 100% over, she's told me she's never coming back, she's told me she's never changing her mind. Okay, well, I get that and I have sympathy for that 100%. Don't get me wrong, I'm not belittling that. But here's the thing: there's two pieces of information we've got to look at there, right? The first is case history. When she married you, she told you that she was never gonna change her mind. She said she was gonna be with you forever and she was never gonna change her mind. She said that this was till death that you part, and she was never gonna change her mind, and now she's changed her mind, right? So there's a there's a precedent here that when she says something is absolute, it does not necessarily mean that it's absolute. So that's the first thing, right? Keep hope that just because she's adamant that it's over, it does not necessarily mean that it's over. Now, the second thing is that she's giving you the absolute decision, telling you that it's over, she doesn't want to change her mind, she doesn't want to work on this based on the evidence that she has at hand, right? Now, again, let me give you let me give you an example. If I found my dream house and it was everything that I wanted, it was the location, it was the house, it was the perfect size, perfect, perfect neighborhood, everything. It's the house that I've been looking for for years, and I go and look at it and I can afford it, and everything's good to go. And I go, I'm absolutely buying this house. I've been looking for this house for forever, and I finally found it. This is my dream house. I'm buying it. Is there certainty in my mind? Do I believe, do I believe that I'm buying that house? Well, absolutely, of course I do. I'm absolutely certain, and I'm telling everybody I found my dream house, I'm buying it. But let's fast forward a few days, and the build-in inspection report comes back and it's full of termites. The roof is leaking and it's gonna need a new a new roof, and the the foundations are collapsing, there's subsidence in the foundations, and the builder who does the report basically says you're writing them a blank check, Cody. This house could require any amount of money to fix, up to and including tearing it down, it's not fixable. We don't know if we can how much it's gonna cost or if it's even fixable till we start to try and underpin these foundations. A few days ago, a week ago, I was absolutely certain that I was gonna buy that house. Now the building reports come back, it's less than favorable, and I've changed my mind. Why have I gone from absolute certainty to changing my mind? Because new evidence has been introduced into the decision. New evidence has come to light, and that is what's happened with your wife from the time she said, I promise to be with you till death do us part, to saying I don't want to be with you anymore. New evidence has come in to her decision-making process, and she's gone from a previous certainty to a new certainty. Now, the same is true, the same can happen in the other direction, right? She can go from I really don't want to work on this marriage, I'm not happy with this marriage, I want out of this marriage, I'm done with this, whatever her certainty is, you can change that because you have the ability to introduce new evidence, and that is the only way that you can change this is by introducing new evidence into the situation. Now, again, a lot of guys, when they start working with me, they say, Well, give me the script, Cody. What do I need to say to get her to do this? What do I need to say to change her mind about that? But here's the reality, right? That's you can't talk your way out of a behavioral problem. You can't talk your way out of a behavioral problem. The only thing you can do is behave your way out of a behavioral problem. Let me explain what I mean by that because this is really, really critical stuff. To understanding this really is going to determine whether you can save your marriage or not. Now, if we go back to the beginning again, let's look at why your wife said yes to marrying you. There were two reasons, and only two reasons, why she said yes. It was because one, she loved the way, she adored the way that you made her feel. You made her feel special, you made her feel important, you made her feel like the focus of your attention, you made her feel a way that she really enjoyed feeling, and she wanted more of that. That was the first thing. The second thing that she said yes to was she saw that a future with you and she believed that a future with you was absolutely better than a future without you. You were a good investment, you were a good bet. So you put those two together, she loves the way you make her feel, and she sees a future with you as being significantly better than without you. This is what she's saying yes to. Now, are there other minor things in those decisions? Sure, but they fit into one of those two buckets. Now, if she's leaving the relationship, if she's telling you it's over and she wants out, then the act the exact opposite is true, right? She does not like how she feels around you anymore, she does not like how you make her feel, and she's saying that a future without you is potentially much better than a future with you. And this is behavioral, behavioral issues, right? These are behavioral problems. You can't talk your way out of those. So if we want to solve this problem, if we want to introduce new evidence into the marriage, if we want to introduce new evidence into the situation here, then we've got to address these two points. How does she feel around you and what kind of future does she see with you? Now, again, keep in mind we talked about is she gonna leave the is she gonna come back to the marriage for your reasons or is she gonna come back to the marriage for her reasons? Now, let's look at that and understand her psychology and where she is and how she's seeing the world a little bit more because this is certainly gonna help you to turn this situation around and really make it possible. Really, if you don't understand this, there's there's absolutely no hope, there's no chance. If you just continue to try and make her wrong and tell her that you do care and you do love her and you do listen and you do these things, like she's just gonna leave, and that's all there is to it. There's no hope in that. If that's you, there's no hope there for you. But if you're willing to open up to her point of view and see how she's seeing the world, how she's seeing the marriage and and her perspective of things, then you can definitely save this marriage. Now let's go and let's put ourselves in her shoes for a minute. I'm guessing you're probably in your 40s or 50s right now because typically that is where these problems start to show up. It's in the 40s and the 50s when the children uh have left home or they're getting close to leaving home, and the next stage of life is starting. Now you've got to understand as a man, you have a much longer shelf life than your wife. You you can be attractive to women into your 60s and 70s and beyond. There's a lot of things men are able to attract younger women, they age much better. Let's put it that way, right? Your woman, unfortunately, and I'm just stating a fact here, I'm not being sexist or anything, women don't age as well as men. Her shelf life is much less than yours, and even if that's not true, she's seeing it that way. So she's in a position right now where she's got to decide. The kids have left home or they're on the verge of leaving home. She's got to decide: is this man and the situation that I'm currently in right now, which is you, I've got to make a decision. This is the reality, the way he is, and the way he behaves, and the way he talks to me, and the way he makes me feel, and the future that he presents to me. This is my reality for the rest of my life. Or I'm still at an age, I'm young enough to where I've I can roll the dice again, and I've got one more shot at happiness. I've got one more chance at going out there and finding somebody that is actually going to give me what it is that they want. They're gonna make me feel how he made me feel again. They're gonna present a future to me that is brighter than the future he is showing to me. This is what's going on. Now, she's given everything for probably 20 years, right? She's possibly sacrificed her career, she's sacrificed her body to give you kids, she's sacrificed everything for the family, and she's she's given herself for the family, she's given herself for the kids. And at this point, she's utterly exhausted her whole life, or the last 20 years of her life, her marriage has been about sacrificing herself for the family, sacrificing herself for the kids, sacrificing herself for you. Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. And now she's at the point where she's looking at life, going, is this going to be the reality for the rest of my life? Or at what point does it become about me? At what point does it start to be my turn? Now, again, let's address. I know a lot a lot you you might be thinking right now, well, I gave her everything. You know, I yes, she gave, she sacrificed for the kids and it and for the family. I get that's true, but I sacrificed in the business, I sacrificed at work, I gave her financial security, I gave her a home, I gave her a nice lifestyle, I gave her all of the things. I made sacrifices too. But this is this is a mistake, a critical mistake, and a fatal mistake that we've got to address, right? There's a vast difference. Many men conflate and confuse lifestyle or standard of living rather with quality of life as being the same thing. Now, as men, we value we value standard of living. That's cars, houses, things, bank accounts, those things, right? The things that we have. Whereas women value quality of life. She would rather be in government housing in a loving relationship than in a than in a five-bedroom, three-bathroom beach house. She values quality of life over standard of living, and the two are not the same. Standard of living does not equate to quality of life. You can have a very, very high standard of living, but have a very, very low quality of life, and this is what's happened here. We've focused on creating a standard of living, and we've confused that to mean quality of life for her. And this is why we're upset, this is why we're hurt, this is why when she says, You never loved me, you never gave me what I wanted, you never did the things for me. This was always about you, this was always about what you want, and never about what I want or the family wants, always about you. And we're going, What do you mean? I went to work every day for you, I built a business for you, I sacrificed for you, I took risks for you, I made investments for you, I did this for you. Well, this is just the miscomm, one of the many miscommunications between men and women. That's we've we've given her a great standard of living, but we've neglected to give her a quality of life, and this is why she's leaving the relationship. She's looking for that quality of life, she's not looking for an increased standard of living, and this is where we've got to go to work. This is what we've got to address, right? So we've got to go to work on the uh on how she feels around you. We've got to go to work on the future that she sees with you. We've got to go to work on the idea that you are a better investment, you're a better bet than anybody else. Because keep in mind, this is the last roll of the dice for her. This is her one last chance at happiness as far as she is concerned. And this is where we've got to meet her. This is where we've got to address the issue right now. Another problem is, uh, and again, one of the I said I'd give you clarity as to whether this marriage can be saved or not, and you have absolute certainty. Well, one of the one of the key philosophies that we have to adopt if we're going to save this marriage is you don't know what you don't know. I don't know what I don't know, and you have to open up to the possibility of what she's saying. Maybe you're just not seeing it from her perspective. You don't know what you don't know. Now, I've got a video, I did a uh a workshop, it's below here. You can get, I'm offering it to you, it's not free, you can, but it's uh it is at a very reasonable price, and you can see on that, we workshop it through. There's clients there where we actually work through problems where the man is saying, My wife's saying this and it's not true, my wife's saying that and it's not true, and he's arguing with her, and of course, it's just pushing her further away, she's just getting angrier and angrier. And you can see as we workshop through this and as we as we go through the process, that actually his wife is right. Actually, his wife is telling him stuff that's true, but the the the miscommunication, he's just not seeing it that way, and that is very possibly and very probably going on with your marriage as well. Is it possible that you're just not seeing things the way your wife's seeing them? Is it possible that she's not wrong? She you just not seeing it that way. If the answer is yes, then there's hope for this marriage. If the answer is no, I'm absolutely right, then I can tell you right now, you may as well accept the reality that this marriage is over because it's not going to change. Now, again, many men at this time they want to talk their way out of a problem that they've behaved their way into, and it just simply isn't gonna work. Like the way, the way that we're gonna do this is we have to show her a better future. People go like men right now go, okay, I get it Cody, I've got to show her a better future. What do I tell her to show her that? What do I say to get her to see that? Okay, I get it, Cody. She doesn't feel great. I don't make her feel great right now. I understand that. What do I say to make her feel good? Well, again, this is these are not words that are gonna save, gonna save the marriage. Of course, there are words that are required, but it's about a lifestyle change, it's about a philosophy change, it's about an attitude change. And one of the things that we say, uh, the men that that I work with is when your attitude is right, the facts don't matter. When your attitude is right, the facts don't matter. Now, I know a lot of people right now are going, well, the facts do matter, Cody. Of course they do. It's like, well, when your attitude is right, the facts don't matter. That is that, and that is the beautiful, beautiful thing. Because ultimately, again, let's look at the problem here and let's talk about the problem so we can solve it. What's gone on over the last 20 years or 30 years or however long this marriage is, is you've effectively you've built up a debt that cannot be paid. It's like you've built up a debt with your wife of $10 million and you make $30,000 a year. There's there's no way you're gonna pay that debt off. There's no way you can pay it down. It's not possible. And when people, when men come to me saying, Well, tell me what to say, tell me what to do, tell me how to so it it it's like really, in all honesty, there is you there's there's one hope. You have one hope and really and only one hope to save this marriage at this point, and that is there's a button in your wife's heart called the forgiveness button, the debt forgiveness button. And she has the ability to to press that button which eradicates all of that debt. It's like that ten million dollars of debt just going away and you start in over again. But again, it's not a case of me saying, here's what you say, to get her to press that button. It's an attitude, because when your attitude is right, the facts don't matter. Now, if that's true, if the attitude is right, the facts don't matter. There's really only one question that is relevant, right? Well, what's the right attitude, Cody? If when your attitude is right, the facts don't matter, what is the right attitude? Or what are the right series of attitudes? Well, that's that's a great question, and it it's beyond the scope of this. So, hey Cody here. I want to jump back in here and talk about what to do next. Because right now, your wife is making a decision, and that decision is based on evidence. The evidence she has right now, it's telling her that a future without you feels safer than a future with you. Now, the question isn't whether I can save your marriage. Only you and your wife can do that. The real question is this can you see what you're doing that's closing doors? Or are you operating completely blind at the most critical moment of your life? This is why I offer what I call a marriage crisis navigation call. You can book one below. Here's what happens in that 45 minutes. First, we diagnose what stage your marriage is actually in. Most men get this completely wrong. And that mistake costs them everything. Second, I'll show you the unseen behaviors that are accelerating her exit. The things you're doing right now that you think are helping, but are actually pushing her away faster. Third, we clarify which positions are still available to you and which moves permanently damage your leverage. And fourth, we establish a decision framework for your next moves. So you stop escalating risk and start moving with precision. Now let me be clear about what this is and what it isn't. This is strategic advisory. It's not marriage rescue. I cannot control whether she comes back. What I can do is help you see where you actually are. I can show you which actions are making things worse. And I can help you move in a way that preserves option with value instead of destroying them. If ongoing navigation makes sense after that call, we'll talk about it. If it doesn't, you'll still leave with clarity instead of guesswork. Click below, book your call. Let's get you oriented.