The Fastest Way To Stop Her From Leaving (Even If She's Done)

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🚨 If you want to save your marriage and Win Your Wife Back, watch my masterclass here: https://codybutlercoaching.com/broadcast?utm_source=podcast

This workshop is built from nearly a decade of working with men in marriage crisis, watching some recover their marriage and watching others fail. The patterns are predictable.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What if I told you that the solution to savouring your marriage actually could be found in a World War II bomber plane? Because there was a study done during World War II where they looked at the bomber planes that were coming back from battle over Germany and they saw common patterns of battle damage that they found on the wings and the body that looked something like this. This is what they determined was these planes were getting shot typically. So they said, let's reinforce the damage. Let's reinforce the weak spots on these planes. Save a lot of lives. Makes sense, right? That's logical, that's obvious. Everybody agreed that we need to reinforce these weak spots on the plane that are getting shot up. Everybody except one man, that is. It was a statistician that nobody listened to, but that went by the name of Abraham Wald. And what he realized that nobody else did was the bullet holes that were on this that you could see on the planes that returned from battle that looked like this. All these planes had similar battle damage. They wanted to reinforce these areas that you can see. He realized that those are the planes, or that the planes can take hits in those areas and still make it home. The real danger was the places on those planes that had no bullet holes because when those places got hit, the planes never came back. They didn't see the damage that took planes down because those planes went down and never came home. So as you can see here, if we look at the plane again, what Wald realized was the areas that had little battle damage or no battle damage, these were the areas that were areas of catastrophic failure. The engines, the cockpit, the rear fuselage where the tail broke off if it was hit. These planes couldn't take this type of damage. And because of a phenomenon called survivor bias, they didn't see that initially. So nobody thought to reinforce these areas that were actually the true areas where the damage was taking place. So you're doing exactly the same in your marriage that those military experts did. You're studying the damage that you can see within your marriage, you're seeing the damage patterns, the bullet holes, and you're going, let's reinforce the areas of known damage while completely ignoring what's actually killing your marriage simultaneously. And just like them, your instinct is to put armor and reinforce areas that already can take battle damage while completely ignoring the areas of weakness that simply cannot take a hit. So, what are the places with no bullet holes right now in your marriage that need to be reinforced? So after helping literally thousands of men now over the past decade or more, the one question that I've come up with that is really going to determine whether you're going to save your marriage or not is this do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Because you can be either, you can have whatever you want, but you cannot have everything you want. So you have a choice to make. Do you want to be right or do you want to be married? So a common response to men in marriage crisis, and let me be clear, this is this this presentation today is for men whose wife has left, she said it's over, she's not willing to work on the marriage. This is not for a standard marriage, this is for men in late-stage marriage crisis. And the common response from the man when we start to look at the solutions is why is this all on me? Why should I be the only one that has to change? What about her? Does she not have some responsibility in this? What if I do uh all this and she doesn't make any changes? These are the questions that men are asking. And those are the bullet holes that you can see in your marriage. These are the problems that you go, she's not making an effort. These are the areas that have structural weakness that you know that you believe need to be reinforced. But here's the thing, right? In a normal marriage, brothers, you'd be absolutely right to ask those questions. Shouldn't she make an effort? Why is this on me? But here's the thing: you are not in a normal marriage at this point. You are not in a normal marriage anymore. You're in a situation where she has already decided to leave. And in this position, fairness simply doesn't matter anymore. It's irrelevant. What actually matters is leverage. Which brings us to the leverage collapse principle, which, if you can grasp this, is going to help you understand what's going on in your marriage and how to actually fix this and how to get some leverage back into your marriage to where you can actually say, shouldn't she make an effort? So, as I've said, what I'm describing today, this is not morality, this is reality. I'm not I'm not telling you how I think it should be, or I'm not making a statement that this is right or any of that stuff. I'm simply telling you like it is. Or in other words, what I'm going through today is descriptive, not prescriptive. I'm I'm I'm telling you, I'm describing the situation that you're in and how to correct it. I'm not prescribing that this is right. So in a normal, healthy marriage, shouldn't effort be equal? Yes, absolutely correct. But but here's the marriage you're in right now. You're not in a 50-50 situation. You are closer to a zero-100 situation. Zero effort from her, 100% effort from you because she has decided to leave. You're not in a healthy marriage that you're trying to save and work on. You are in a disaster recovery nightmare where she sees you as the disaster that needs to be recovered from. So, right now, you believe that you shouldn't have to carry this burden alone. You believe that the effort should be shared, and you believe that that's a completely reasonable request that she makes an effort within this marriage. But here's the thing: it's completely irrelevant to your position. Whether that's justified or not, it simply doesn't matter at this point. The fact of the matter is that what you believe you deserve really has no relevance on the situation at all. It simply doesn't. You have to deal with the position that you're in, which is a zero-leverage position, you're in a leverage collapse situation, and you have to work from that position because if you don't, it's simply not coming, she's not coming back. Because she's not leaving this marriage because you're wrong about fairness or you're wrong about logic. She's leaving because you have nothing she wants enough to stay for. And I know that's hard to hear, and I know that's painful, but here's the reality of the situation. She does know what she's throwing away, she does know what she's losing, she does know the cost. And for the vast majority of people that are watching this video or on this on this live training right now, this is this is a worst-case scenario for your wife. This is a catastrophic decision for her. She's leaving a relatively stable situation in terms of provision, protection, etc. At an age, she doesn't want to do that. She knows what this is going to cost her. It's going to cost her financially. It's going to cost her children's psychological welfare. It's going to cost her social status. It's going to cost her comfort. It's going to cost she's going back into a dating situation at an age she doesn't want to go back into a dating situation. She's going to have to start over again. This is a catastrophic situation for her, yet she's choosing it over staying. That's how bad this is. Many men think she just wants something new. No, no, no. Understand, she knows exactly how bad this situation is, yet she's choosing that over staying. In other words, she's choosing a really, really bad situation over a catastrophic situation. So the reality in that situation is you have zero leverage. Now, what is leverage? Leverage is the ability to influence an outcome. Again, not to be offensive to anybody, but you have nothing she wants at this point. You have no bargaining chips, you have no cards to play. And if you don't understand that, you're going to act in a way that is going to catastrophically damage your marriage to the point that it cannot be recovered. So this is how the conversation goes, just to highlight this. The woman goes to the man, I'm leaving you, husband. Anything is better than this. I would rather put up with any situation than stay in this situation. Anything is better than you. I'm willing to lose everything. I'm willing to damage my children psychologically. I'm willing to go back into the dating market at 60. I'm willing to move into a one-bedroom apartment instead of staying in this four-bedroom house. I'm willing to give it all up. Anything is better than staying with you. And the man goes, Well, if you want me to stay, you're going to need to work on this and you're going to need to work on yourself. This is a 50-50 situation. You're going to have to take some responsibility in this marriage. It's an absurd situation. So here's the first principle to understand here. And again, I this is not, this is not, this is not morality. This is reality vertical. This is not, I'm not saying this is right. I'm saying this is the way it is. We want to deal with reality, not what we hope reality should be. Whoever cares the least in the situation holds 100% of the playing cards. Whoever is willing, if one person is willing to walk away and the other person is not willing to walk away, the person willing to walk away is in full control of the situation. And many of you are going to go, women manipulate and blah, blah, blah, then that's fine. If that's the way you see it, that's fine. But unfortunately, your marriage is over. This is for men who actually want to save their marriage, not for men who want to make social commentary on how manipulative women are, etc. This is not for you. So if you had leverage in this situation, she would be trying to keep you, she'd be making an effort. If you had something she wanted that was valuable at this point, she would be negotiating with you for a settlement to stay. She would be adjusting her behavior. She would be agreeing with the principles at this point. She's not doing any of those things. Because she's already decided that she's leaving this marriage. Now, this is the absurd position that many men come to me in, or many men watching this video will be in when they watch this. They negotiate as as if the woman is trying to keep them. Saying she should have to make an effort. She should, this should be 50-50. Why should it be? I mean, you are taking a position as though she wants to stay. You're taking the position as though she is negotiating, as though you have something of value. And again, I don't say that to be offensive. I say that because my job is to help you see reality as it is, not worse than it is, and not better than it is, as it actually is. Because then you can take accurate action. So what happens if you push this fairness issue at this point in the marriage? If you say you need to try too, you need to make effort, this isn't all my fault. You have issues as well. All true. I'm not disputing that any of this is true or not true. What I'm telling you is it's irrelevant and this is utterly destructive to your case to get her to stay. This is what happens. This is what's going on in her head. Imagine she's talking to her friend. We'll call her friend Jane. She goes, Jane, he just doesn't get it. He still doesn't get it. After all of this, he still doesn't get it. He doesn't understand. This is exactly why I stopped trying, Jane. This is exactly why I want to leave this marriage. What he's doing right now is why I'm out. Nothing I ever did matter in this relationship. When I made the effort, he did nothing. Now I'm leaving. He wants me to make an effort. Now I've made the effort and now I've decided that I'm leaving. Now he's willing to do something. I'm done explaining to him, Jane. I'm done with this nonsense, Jane. I'm done with him, Jane. He can say whatever he wants at this point. This is exactly why I'm leaving him. So your demand for fairness does not land with her as a reasonable request. It simply doesn't. It lands as the final confirmation that she needs to leave this relationship guilt-free, is what you're doing. When you take the position of she needs to make an effort at this point, not a good thing. So here's what you think. You're talking to your friend, let's call him John. John, I'm just being, what's unfair about saying that she needs to make an effort? What's unfair, John? Where am I being unreasonable here that she needs she this needs to be 50-50? This is logical, right, John? Why would isn't a marriage supposed to be 50-50? Show me where what I'm saying is unreasonable right now, John. I don't get this. I don't understand here. And I'm not giving I'm not I'm not backing down on this, John. Like this marriage needs to be 50-50, and if she's not going to be 50-50, then I don't want to be in this marriage. I'm standing my ground on this, John. So again, I present the question to you. Do you want to be right or do you want to be married? This is this is the question that stands before you today and every day that you're married, in fact. Do you choose to be right here and stand your ground? Or do you choose to take action that allows you to stay married? This is a choice. What is more important to you, being right or being married? What is more important to you? Your perception of fairness, which may or may not be right at this point, or your desire to be married, because whatever you choose, you will get. So what's actually happening here? You're choosing to be right instead of choosing to be effective. Massive difference. If you want to save your marriage, you need to be effective. You need to start taking effective action, you need to start having using an effective strategy, you need to start using effective words. Being right does not save your marriage because, quite frankly, and I'm just telling this like it is, she doesn't care at this point. Again, what this boils down to is you have to understand your position. You this is battlefield medicine, and you are bleeding out right now. And it's like you've been shot in the neck and you're hemorrhaging blood, and I come to you to put a field dress in on you, and you say, It's not right that I've been shot, Cody. Why is it right that I've been shot in the neck and that person, and I go, bro, you're bleeding out. We got let me you got two minutes left. I can put this field dressing on you and stop the bleeding, and we can get you to a hospital, then we can talk about it when you've been stabilized, or you can spend the next two minutes telling me about why this is unfair that you've been shot in the neck. It's up to you. But I gotta get this field dressing on you. So do you want to do you do you want me to get this field dressing on you, or do you want to be right? Do you want to be play the victim role at this point and tell me how this is unfair? It's up to you. You choose. Same is happening in your marriage. We're not dealing with a normal situation, we're dealing with a marriage that is bleeding out, that needs to be stabilized before we talk about anything. So the mechanism here is this this is the pattern that is already at play in your marriage. And again, this is not my opinion, this is the pattern that's there. So your push is for fairness. She feels unheard again. She's saying that you need to change, and your response is, well, that's not fair, you need to change as well. The past patterns that she's trying to exit from are confirmed. She realizes that you just confirm and that the reason she's leaving are correct. Certainty in her decision to leave increases, emotional detachment from you deepens, and the exit accelerates. That's what happens. And again, this is not my this is not my opinion. I'm not making an argument for morality, I'm making an argument for reality here. I'm telling you what is, not what should be. Or if I was God, how I would make the rules. Maybe, maybe if God put me in charge, things would be different, but he didn't. So what's the real issue? It comes down to this in most men. It's the fear of what if I change and she doesn't? What if I make in an effort and she doesn't? Well. Men say, well, what if she's, you know, it's you know, she's wrong. What if sh well what if she is wrong? It doesn't matter at this point. I don't disagree with you that she needs to change. I'm not a man hating, like I get a lot of comments on these videos, like these videos are made for women. If I if I talk to your wife, it's going to be very harsh as well. But I'm not talking to your wife, I'm talking to you. And sh you she might be wrong in this situation, and very likely is. The fact of the matter is, she's probably more wrong than she realizes, and you are more wrong than you realize. And you have more guilt and responsibility in this than you understand. She also has more guilt and responsibility or more blame and responsibility than she understands. I'm not making the argument that you are 100% wrong and she is a hundred percent right. I'm making the argument that you have no leverage other than to act on yourself. Because here's the truth: her accuracy does not determine what happens next in this marriage. This man we go, she's not seen it right. If I could just help her understand what really she doesn't care, bro. She doesn't care. Her decision is not based on accuracy, her decision is based on her feelings and her interpretation. So here's the leverage collapse principle. You cannot negotiate from a position that you do not have. You can only demand change where you have something she wants, and she's already told you that she does not want to be in this marriage. You cannot demand effort from somebody who has exited in a relationship. It's a recipe for disaster. Yet many men think they can. You cannot argue somebody into staying. No mind was ever changed by an argument. The only leverage that you have that overcomes the leverage collapse principle is your own behavior. I tell the story of a renovation I had a few years ago now where uh the builders were not doing a great job, it was over budget, it was behind, and they were being less than honest with the situation. And my wife pulled me over to the side and she's like, they're gonna do what they're gonna do. You can't control their behavior. You're not responsible for what they do, Cody, you're responsible for how you respond to it. And she was absolutely right. I cannot control what somebody else is doing, but I can control my response to it. I am not responsible for what anybody watching this video or on this call does in their life. You are responsible for how you respond. So avoid the trap. This is not about becoming a doormat. So again, this is where most men go, so you want me to just give in. No, let me be clear: just giving in to your wife. A lot of men at this point go, well, I'll just give her what she wants. No, that's not attractive, she doesn't want that. She's that's not manly, that's not masculine, she doesn't want that. She doesn't want a doormat. And to be quite honest, like she knows that if you just go, well, I'm just just have her tell me, tell me what you want and I'll be it. She doesn't find that attractive, and she knows it's not true. So this is not about you becoming a doormat. This is not about you giving in to every one of her demands. This is not about you laying down, abandoning your principles. Simping is not required here. You just have to understand where you are. You are on the battlefield bleeding out. So what's required here to make this work is in this moment of your marriage is a strong understanding of female psychology. You've got to understand how a woman thinks. If you don't, you you you you're dead in the water. You need guided applications of these principles. You simply don't know what you don't know. You don't understand what you're applying incorrectly. This is like algebra. Every step builds on every previous step, and the second you make a mistake, now you're on, now you're you're never gonna go right. So, what is more dangerous here is actually not what you don't know, it's what you think you know that is wrong. Action that you're taking that you're absolutely convinced is correct, that's wrong. As the engineers trying to strengthen those bombers, they were convinced that the areas that had significant battle damage with areas that needed to be strengthened, they were wrong about that. So you're in a time of your life where where the cost of mistakes here is catastrophic. So if you're actually serious about fixing this, you need to understand where you're going wrong because men, they don't they don't fail here from a lack of effort, they fail from making the wrong moves at the wrong time. It's as simple as that. And I'm not gonna go into all of that here. I have put a uh a workshop links in the description where that is broken down clearly if you want that, where I Talk about the mistakes that push her away. So let's get back to this presentation though. So when we talk about leverage, the only lever, the only leverage that you have available to you right now to positively impact this marriage in any meaningful way is to stop spending time on her side of the equation. What do I mean by that? If you're saying she needs to do this, she needs to change her behavior, she needs to come to the table, she needs to make an effort, you are spending all your energy on her side of the equation where you have zero leverage at this point in time. You have zero influence. You're trying to pull a lever in your marriage to get an outcome that simply does not exist, bro. It's foolishness. So again, what do you choose today? What do you choose right now? This is not a hypothetical, this is not entertainment. I'm asking you the question: do you want to be right or do you want to be married right now? This is a decision that you need to make. Because from this point forward, every action that you take that you take has one test and one test only that it needs to pass. Not is this fair, not is this right, not is this is this how it should be? One test only. Does this increase the probability of her changing her mind? Does this increase the probability of her staying in the marriage? If the answer is no, the behavior is incorrect for your outcome. Not is this fair? That's not the test. The test is not, is this what I deserve? Is this what she deserves? Is this how people should behave in a marriage? This is not the question that saves your marriage. One question, one question alone. Does this behavior that I'm about to engage in, does this sentence that I'm about to say, does what I'm about to do move the needle towards her staying in this marriage, or does it move the needle away from it? It's binary. So at this point, and again, let me clarify, there are stages within a marriage. This advice is specific to the wife does not want to work on the marriage. If she does want to work on the marriage, it's a completely different set of rules in the same way that my five-year-old has a different set of rules to my ten-year-old. When the stage of the marriage changes, the rule stages, the rules change. But in this situation, every conversation you have with your wife does one of two things. It either builds the marriage or it erodes it. It moves you closer to divorce or it moves you closer to reconciliation. Every action you take either adds evidence to stay or it adds evidence to confirm her decision to leave. This is what you have to ask yourself. Is this building an evidence? Is this building a case for her staying, or is this building a case for her leaving? Not is this right, is this just, is this the way it should be? Get that out of your head. Every day you spend arguing fairness with your wife, with your friends, with me, with other people, is a day that you are not giving her information that she needs to stay. It's as simple as that. Do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Every time you do this, every time that you choose to be right over being married, you make it that much harder to turn this situation around. So you face a binary choice right now. You've got two paths. Path A is you can demand fairness, you can wait for her to change, you can hold your position, you can say, you can say you have the moral high ground. That's what you want to do. I'm telling you, after working with thousands and thousands of men, and also maybe tens of thousands that actually didn't even bother getting help, that their marriage is over. I can tell you categorically with 100% certainty this path ends the marriage. Not probably, not likely, not maybe. This is where that goes. If your wife has told you that she wants a divorce, if she's indicated that she wants out of this marriage, demanding fairness ends in divorce. 100% of the time. That's a fact. That's a choice that you have to make. Path B is accept the reality that you the position that you hold right now, which is one of zero leverage. Take full responsibility for the situation and align every outcome or every action with the outcome that you want. This is the only viable path that exists for you. This is the only viable path that saves this marriage. The Bible tells us. The pathway that leads to destruction is broad, and many shall flock to it. The pathway that leads to salvation, the pathway that leads to the salvation of your marriage is narrow. The gate is narrow, the path is narrow, and few shall find it, even fewer shall walk it. I've given you that path today, you found it. So are you going to walk it? Is the question. There is only one path that leads to the reconciliation of your marriage in a zero leverage, leverage collapse scenario, and that is path B. So you don't get to opt out of choosing here, brother. Inaction is path A, delay is path A. Demanding fairness in your marriage, demanding she makes an effort, demanding all the things that you think is fair is path A. The only way onto path B is a decision followed by immediate immediately by a different behavior, a different attitude. And again, let me pose the question to you: do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Write that down. Take it from this video, put it in your wallet. Every time you pay for something, look at it. Ask yourself the question: Do I want to be right or do I want to be married? Because whatever you want, you will get. Your highest value will be met. So conclusion. This isn't about what's fair, this is not about who's right, and this is not about this is actually about what works. If you're here saying, I want to save my marriage, and I'm willing to humble myself and I'm willing to be coachable, and I'm willing to put aside what I think works, and I'm willing for the time being to let go of fairness and logic, then you're in the right place. But again, here's the reality of the situation, brother. You don't get to choose the rules. You get to follow them or you get to not follow them. That's that's your position. So you only get to operate, or you only get to choose whether you operate inside of reality, or you can argue with reality if you want to, and you can lose everything. Because here's the truth: you the truth, you can you can ignore reality if you want to, and many of you will, quite frankly, but you cannot ignore the consequences of ignor ignoring reality. Reality will have its way, and if you ignore that, you will be faced with the consequences of reality. And the path that you are on right now, the reality is divorce, the reality is losing your family, the reality is shared custody of your children. So you're already choosing right now, and that choice is dictated is evidenced by your behavior. So again, do you want to be right or do you want to be married? So if you want to be married, then watch this video here. I'm gonna give you some more steps on how to do that. What do you need to do? And if you're in the private group, let's jump over to QA and have some conversation.