The Fastest Way To Stop Pushing Her Away (Communication Reset)

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This workshop is built from nearly a decade of working with men in marriage crisis, watching some recover their marriage and watching others fail. The patterns are predictable.

Transcript

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Alright, guys, let's get going here. So I want to give you something today that is extremely powerful. Extremely powerful. Don't underestimate this. By the end of this today, you're going to understand why you do what you do. You're going to understand why your wife does what she does. And you're going to understand why you do what you do collectively within the marriage. And you're going to know what to do about it as well. So this really is the hidden puppet master behind the scenes that's pulling all the strings in your personal life and your marriage. And once you understand this, you're going to have an understanding of the marriage that's just going to take it to the next level. You can't fix what you don't know is broken. And this is going to give you the diagnostic. So the goal here, as always, is to see yourself in this. This is not entertainment. This is not information. This is a mirror. I want you to look at this from a diagnostic perspective and see yourself in this like you're looking into a mirror because the more accurately you can identify yourself, the more act the quicker you can fix the problem. The more accurate the diagnosis, the quicker the solution, right? Just like a mechanic at a garage. If you take your car to the garage and just say it's broken and I don't know what's wrong with it, then it takes longer to fix, right? If you go the starter mode is broken, it's going to get fixed a lot quicker. So the reality is there are only four ways that we are communicating and we are having a relationship with another person. And we're in one of these four quadrants at any given time. Now, there's a predominant quadrant that you're going to default to in the same way that you have two hands but one is stronger. You have two eyes but one is stronger. You'll use both hands, but when you when you when you're under pressure, you'll you'll default to the uh to the weaker hand or the stronger hand, right? So the the patterns that we relate to people are are these. There's four, and I'm going to go into these in detail. I'm bad, you're good. I'm good, you're good. I'm bad, you're bad, and I'm good, you're bad. So whenever I'm talking to somebody, when I'm having a one-to-one or I'm having an initial consultation, this is what I'm looking for immediately. The the quadrant that you're in that you're communicating from is going to tell me the status of your marriage. And really, this is why I say within 30 seconds, I can pretty much tell you what your future is going to be unless you make changes, because each one of these quadrants is going to produce a very predictable result. Right? So let's look at these. So if you're communicating from I'm bad, you're good, this is an inferiority mindset and it's going to communicate insecurity, dependency, and self-doubt. If you're communicating from I'm bad, you're bad, this is going to be a hopeless mindset and it's going to produce apathy, withdrawal, hopelessness, and disaster. I'm good, you're bad is a superiority mindset and it's going to produce arrogance, superiority, and control and behavior. And I'm good, you're good is the healthy mindset, which is mutual respect, collaboration, and emotional safety, which is where the marriage thrives. So I'm also going to give you the solution to this, right? We're going to go deeper into communication, but let's understand the problem and then I will give you the solution. So at any given point, we're communicating from one of these positions. So quite often the typical position that I hear from people is I'm good, you're bad. So what that would look like within the marriage is I'm willing to go to counseling, but she won't. I'm trying to fix this, but she's not willing to work on the marriage. It's a I'm a good, I'm I'm good and I'm doing what I need to do, or I'm doing all I can do, but she just won't do it. She's bad. Or I'm willing to work on this, but she's not. But the problem is it can be very easily disguised. You can you can see it as a benevolent mindset, right? I'm good, you're bad. I'm willing to do counseling, but you're not. I'm willing to work on this, but she isn't. I'm willing to do whatever it takes, but she won't. And the man sees himself as good, but ultimately he's coming from a very arrogant position, he's coming from a position of superiority, saying, I'm willing to do what's will needed to be done, but you will not. I'm superior to you. And it's also a controlling behavior. So whenever one of these quadrants is communicated, it immediately gives the outcome. So the the these are the four models, right? There are only four positions that you can be in at any given time. And whenever you're communicating, you're either coming from I'm good, you're bad, I'm good, you're bad, I'm bad, you're good, or I'm bad, you're bad. And if you can identify which mindset you're coming from, which position you're coming from, you then are in a position to shift your marriage. So let's look at what each one actually looks like within the relationship so you can identify these. So the first one is I'm good, you're bad. We just talked about that a little bit, and that's basically it's a blaming escalation position. If I say I'm willing to work on this relationship, but you're not, you're basically saying I'm the solution, you're the problem. That's gonna escalate the situation and it's putting the blame for the breakdown on the other person. Now, whether that is true or not is irrelevant at this point. If you're approaching the conversation from I'm a good person and you're not, which fundamentally is what it is, or I'm I'm involved, I'm committed to this relationship and you're not, it's not gonna create an environment that's conducive to anything that you want to experience. So some of the things that you might say in this, and this is by no means, by no means an exhaustive list. She's the reason this is happening right now. She's overreacting. This isn't that serious of a situation. I'm doing everything to save this marriage, and she's doing nothing. She's impossible to deal with. I'm trying to be agreeable, but she's impossible. All of these are putting yourself, you're playing the role of the good guy, and you're putting her in the position of the villain. And this is how you then relate to the person. I'm the hero, you're the villain. Not gonna work out well for you. The second position is I'm bad, you're good. So this is a position that many of us take once we start to see what's happened within the marriage, and we start to see it from a more accurate perspective, right? From from what's actually happened and the damage that we've actually caused within the marriage, we start to see ourselves as the bad guy and the wife as the good guy. And again, this is this is equally as bad because it results in a position of begging, and you lose your position when you do that. You know, some of the things like just tell when when men move to this position of I'm bad, I can see how I've screwed this up, I can see how I've caused these problems, I can see how I'm actually more responsible than I thought I was. It shifts to a position of just tell me, just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Just tell me what I need to be and I'll be it. Tell me what I need to say and I'll say it. Some of the things is this is all my fault, I've messed everything up. As I've just said, tell me what to do and I'll do it. I can't lose her. I need her. Or she deserves better than me. And again, this essentially puts you in a position of subservient to your wife, to a position of begging, I'll do anything. This is not attractive to a woman. A man wants a strong man. A woman is not attracted to a man who just sacrifices himself to the marriage. Self-sacrifice produces contempt, self-improvement produces admiration. And when the man adopts the position of, oh, just tell me what to say and I'll do it, just tell me who I need to be and I'll be it, for one, it's essentially begging the woman to stay, which is unattractive. And two, you're probably not going to do it. You're going to do it for a period of time. And three, she doesn't believe you anyway. So really, again, the I'm bad, you're good. If we look at if we look at this, it's it's it's coming from a place of insecurity, it's coming from a place of dependency, and it's coming from a place of self-doubt. So again, we we can work backwards here from any any of these conditions. If there's if there's insecurity, dependency, and doubt within within self-doubt within the marriage, we can reverse engineer that to this position, right? I'm good, you're bad. And this is a position that results in self- self-sabotage. When when you when you're in the I'm bad, you're good paradigm of communication and relationship, ultimately you're saying I don't deserve this marriage. That's the core underlying belief. You know, and we talk about the stupid button, right? Why do we hit the stupid button? Why do we do the things that damage the relationship even when we know that they're going to damage the relationship? Because deep down inside, at your core, you're operating an I'm good, you're bad program. I'm bad and I don't deserve this marriage. And for the new guy, one of the things we say, right, is let reality be your guide. Like, I'm not, we're not here to disseminate opinion. The life you live is the man you are. Let the fruit reveal the root. And if you're in a position where you're sabotaging your marriage, you're you're coming from one of two positions. I'm bad, you're good, or I'm bad, you're bad. The I'm bad part is saying I don't deserve this. It's coming from insecurity. And unless you address this, you this is the root, right? Unless you address this, you will not produce different fruit within your marriage. The next one is I'm bad, you're bad. This is just this is apathy, right? This is giving up, this is just this is a waste of time mentality. I'm worthless, you're worthless, we're worthless. We've both gone too far, we've both said too much. This marriage is just broken, it's not fixable. You're not willing to do what it takes, I'm not willing to do what it takes. Nothing I do matters to you. You don't give a crap anyway. It's probably over anyway. Right? These these these are the these are the attitudes that show up here, and it's essentially I don't trust you and I don't trust myself. Is the fundamental underlying position behind that I don't trust you and I don't trust myself. I don't trust that you're gonna do anything to fix this, and I don't really trust myself to follow through either. And this this results in simply giving up and collapse. And we can see this, this is just not marriage, right? This the this happens in every area of your life. The these everything in your life is relationship. You have a relationship with your children, you have a relationship with employees or an employer, you have a relationship with the people you go to church with, you have a relationship with the person checking you out at the grocery store. Every interaction with another human being, unless you're just in complete isolation, which is where this leads to ultimately, I'm bad, you're bad, ends up in just complete isolation, is operating through one of these four paradigms. And finally, the I'm good, you're good paradigm. This is the only one, right? This is the only one that works. It's the grounded, it's the only grounded position, it's the only productive position. And I'm gonna show you how to get to this point here in a minute. You have to understand some things about communication, you have to understand what communication actually is. What is the purpose of communication? Because whether you're a man or a woman, there are only two reasons for communication. And it's not mysterious. People go, women are mysterious, don't understand how they communicate. Well, I'm gonna help you understand that in a mere in a minute, because you have to understand that if you're gonna shift to this, I'm good, you're good position. So this is some of the things that might indicate an I'm good, you're good position. I haven't handled things well, but I'm working on it. I hear her, even if I don't agree with her. Just because you don't agree with her doesn't mean she's wrong or she's a bad person. You could say even though I don't agree with you, I can understand why you would have that opinion. It makes sense. We're both capable of fixing this. We're we're both to blame, and we've both made mistakes in this marriage. And we're both working on it. I'm staying steady no matter how she responds to me. And you're gonna see this is important because how she responds, how you interpret how she responds, depends which paradigm you're in here. If you interpret her response negatively, you're gonna go into an I'm good, you're bad paradigm, which is destructive. So let's look at that because we need to understand this before we go any further. To help move into the I'm good, you're good paradigm, we have to understand that all communication is positive. And you're going, well, how is that, Cody? Well, when you look at it like this, there are only two reasons anybody ever communicates, and that is to accentuate a positive feeling or to minimize a negative feeling. There are only two motivators in the world. Why are you watching this video right now? Why are you on this call right now? It's either to accentuate a positive feeling, you're looking for hope, or to minimize or eliminate a negative feeling. You the situation within your marriage is causing you pain, and you're looking to eliminate that, or a combination of both. Probably a combination of both, right? You're looking to create a negative, you're looking to create positive momentum within the relationship. You're looking to accentuate or create a positive feeling or emotion while at the same time eliminating the pain that the relationship is currently causing, or to minimize a negative feeling. You're looking to get both of these from me. That's why you've shown up, that's your motivation. And when I understand that, it allows me to realize that you are exactly the same as me. I'm here for one of two reasons: to accentuate a positive feeling or to minimize a negative feeling. Well, it's both. I enjoy helping people. That's a positive feeling. I feel like I'm contributing. I'm feeling like I feel like I'm making a difference. I'm feeling connected. It accentuates a positive feeling for me to have these calls. It also minimizes a negative feeling. I need to pay my bills, I need to pay my mortgage, I need to make a living. Not being able to do those things is an is a negative thing. So depending on where you are in your paradigm, if you're relating to me as I'm good, you're bad, you client, are good, me, Cody is bad, then you're gonna you're gonna go, you're gonna you're gonna view me going, you're only here to make money. You're only here, I'm here to learn, Cody, I'm here to make my marriage better, but you're only here to get money. That's a I'm good, you're bad. Or you could go, I'm here to learn and make my marriage better, and you're here to contribute, that's an I'm good, you're good paradigm. So, or you you could go with a third option, which is you're just here to make money and I'm here just because I'm a screw up and I don't know anything, right? I'm here because I've screwed everything up. You could you could view this as an I'm bad, you're bad paradigm. So the situation, there is no absolute in what the situation is. The situation is determined by how you perceive the situation. And when your wife is what you have up to this point communicating in a way that puts her in the bad category, she's bad, understand that she's doing exactly the same as you're doing. She's she's trying to accentuate a positive feeling or she's trying to minimize a negative feeling. The problem right now is that her accentuating a positive feeling is in conflict with you eliminating a negative feeling. So it feels like you're at odds with each other. But when you understand this model here, you're both trying to achieve the same goal, you're just on different paths to do it. So to accentuate a positive feeling, examples are sharing good news with somebody, expressing love and appreciation, feeling connected, celebrating achievements. This is this is communicating with the with the objective of uh accentuating a positive feeling. Minimizing a negative feeling is is complaining about stress, expressing frustration or anger, seeking reassurance from somebody. So understand that even what you perceive as negative behavior is a positive attempt to manage emotions. And when you when you understand this, this is critical. Even negative behavior is a positive attempt to manage emotions. She's not bad, she's trying to manage her emotions. You're not bad, you're trying to manage your emotions. So it's not malicious, it's about meeting emotional needs. That is it. We're all just trying to get our emotional needs met with doing as little damage on the way to other people we come into contact with. Both men and women communicate for the exact same core reasons. There's nothing outside of this. Or to put it another way, all communication is about the pursuit of pleasure or the elimination of pain. That's it. The pursuit of pleasure or the elimination of pain. We're just trying to get our emotional needs met. And when we understand every human being that we come into contact with is operating from this paradigm, I'm just trying to get my needs met, you're just trying to get your needs met, then you can move into the I'm good, you're good. I don't have to agree with how you're getting your needs met, I don't have to agree with any of that stuff. This is the solution to the political conflict that we have right now. It doesn't matter what side you're on, understand the other side just is trying to accentuate a positive or eliminate a negative. You just disagree on how that is going to happen. Some people see capitalism as the way to utopia, some people see communism as the way to utopia. Guess what? Utopia is the goal of both parties. But if you don't understand that, you see one as good and one as bad, and you move into an I'm good, you're bad paradigm, which is one of superiority, which is destructive. It will destroy. And when you start looking looking at every communication that you've had, you'll start to see how you've been showing up in one of these paradigms. So again, the key insight to take away here, these are not just thoughts, these are not just ideas, these are that, these are the only positions that you operate from. And as I've said, you you can move between these positions. They they can exist simultaneously, but there is one default position that you'll move to under pressure. There is one that will be dominant. So when when you've when you've had a good night's sleep, your belly's full of food and your bank account's full of money, it's very easy to be in an I'm good, you're good position. But when you're tired, hungry, and broke, then it's easy to start blaming and going, I'm good, you're bad, or I'm doing the right thing and it's everybody else's problem, and move to an I'm good, you're bad parody. It's where you're at, it's how you operate under pressure that determines the operating system that ultimately your wife is responding to. So I've said it before, but I'll say it again, and then we'll wrap this up, going to the QA. In elite circumstances, in elite environments, such as special forces, elite sports, elite musicianship, stuff like that, you are not being selected for what you're capable of on a good day. You're being selected for what your default position is under pressure. What will happen on your worst day? Special forces. They don't care about what you can do when you've had a good night's sleep and a belly full of food. What is the worst they can expect you? What is the worst case scenario when you're three days without sleep? The enemy's chasing you. You've got a hundred-pound pack on your back, and you've got a hundred miles ahead of you. Who are you in that situation? What is your default position under extreme pressure? That's what you're being measured for. What is the worst we can expect from you? And is that acceptable? If if if we can accept your performance on your worst day, you're in. This is the selection process that your wife is going through. She's not looking at what you're capable of on your best day. She's not looking at what you're capable of when you've got a belly full of food and a good night's sleep. She's judging the situation from the perspective of what is the worst case scenario I can expect under under pressure from him. So the only position that works is you know that stabilizes everything is I'm good, you're good. What that creates is a lower threat, more space, less conflict predictability, and ultimately our old friend emotional safety. When you're able to look at any situation and find that I'm good, you're good scenario in it, this creates emotional safety. Along with these qualities that I've just explained. Who thinks that lowering the threat level in the relationship is a positive thing for their marriage? Who thinks that creating more healthy space? Who thinks that lowering the conflict levels and increasing the levels of positive predictability are a positive thing for the marriage? So again, let's look at the downsides here. All the other scenarios, all the other paradigms will fail. I'm good, you're bad. What does it create? Arrogance, superiority, control, conflict. Ultimately, if you go, I'm working on the marriage, but she won't. I want to go to therapy, but she doesn't. I want to do this, but she's not up for it. This is what it's going to create ultimately. This is what you're choosing from this point moving forward. I'm bad, you're good. This creates neediness, approval seeking, and loss of respect. Who thinks that being needy, emotionally needy, is attractive to a woman? Who thinks that seeking approval constantly is being attractive to a woman? It produces a loss of respect. She sees you as something other than she wants to be married to. She wants a strong protector. Here's your goal, man, men. Here's your goal. Protector, provider, prophet, and priest. This is your role within the relationship. You are the protector, you are the provider, you are her prophet, and you are her priest. Protector, you are there to keep her safe. Provider, you are there to keep her clothed, energy, roof. You are her prophet. You are there to speak into her life. Positivity. You are there to speak into her future. You are there to see good things that she cannot see for herself and speak it into her life. And you're her priest, you're there to take her confession. When she's lost, you're there. When she feels inadequate, you're there to take her confession. You're there to listen to her. You're her protector, you're her provider, you're her prophet, and you're her priest. When you meet these four requirements, you become an indispensable man. When you're in an I'm bad, you're good position. You're in a you're needy, you're need approval. You're not meeting the requirements. And then the third one, I'm bad, you're bad, the third negative position. This creates withdrawal, disengagement, and collapse. I'm bad, you're bad. It's just it creates a this is just a waste of time. So again, we can apply this to many areas of our life. The housing market's bad. It's gonna collapse. The market is bad. This means that you withdraw from the market, you disengage from the market, and you create your own collapse. I have no financial acuity and the market is bad, right? This is this creates financial disaster. If you go, I'm competent, I'm good, I'm competent, and the market is good. The opposite happens. I have value to offer, and the marketplace is good. You'll have a good business. If you go, I have no value to offer, and even if I did, the market sucks. This is what it produces. Same in your marriage, same in your every aspect of your lives. So key understanding, takeaway here. These are not strategies, these are not ideas, these are identities that you're operating out of. This is your operating system, and you cannot change your results without changing your operating system. Again, fruit and root. If you want to change the fruit of your marriage, you have to change the root which the fruit is coming from, which is your identity. How do you determine your identity? If you want to know the root, look at the fruit. So let's get into some practicality and then we'll jump over to QA. So, how do you apply this? One, you identify what your default is. You need to see yourself in this. This is a mirror, this is a mirror. This is a diagnostic. Take the poster down on the wall that you've put up with yourself that is the ideal man that you think you are, and buy a mirror. Look in the mirror. If you can't identify who you are and the paradigm that you're operating out of, you cannot fix it. This is why sometimes it's very hard for me to help people because holding up the mirror is painful. People don't want to see how they've been showing up as. They don't want to see the identity they've been operating from. They would rather leave the poster on the wall. But that doesn't help you. Step number two is catch it in real time. So here's what you do: you go back, you watch this again, you get the four identities, and you catch yourself in real time. Not just with your wife, with everybody. Start to identify where these patterns are showing up. You have to be able to diagnose. Seminum three is return to grounded. When you find yourself in a position of I'm good, you're bad, or I'm bad, you're bad, or anything other than I'm good, you're bad, return it to a ground, return to a grounded position of I'm good, you're good. Whatever you're thinking, change it to this person is just trying to get their needs met. As am I. We just disagree on how, what is the best path to getting those needs met. That's it. Very simple. That will return you to I'm good, you're good. I'm not a bad person, I'm just trying to get my needs met. She's not a bad person, she's just trying to get her needs met. That's it. So our closing position here, our closing principles are three positions create damage, three paradigms create damage within the marriage, one position stops it and reverses the damage. You don't fix the relationship, you fix the position that you show up from. You fix the man, you fix the marriage. Everything you're seeing in front of you is a direct reflection of one of these positions that you've been showing up from. This is there's no ifs, ands, and buts about this. There's no discussion here. There's no other path. Let reality be your guide, let reality be your coach, let reality be your mentor. If the results that you have in front of you right now are not satisfactory, then you have to change the position you're showing up from. What you see will not change without the position you're showing up from changing. So that's it, man. That's our that's our talk today. Let's jump over into some QA and have some questions. Awesome. Any questions, guys?