You Can Win Her Back...Here's How.

► Work With Me Personally: https://codybutlercoaching.com/broadcast?utm_source=podcast

🚨 If you want to save your marriage and Win Your Wife Back, watch my masterclass here: https://codybutlercoaching.com/broadcast?utm_source=podcast

This workshop is built from nearly a decade of working with men in marriage crisis, watching some recover their marriage and watching others fail. The patterns are predictable.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Okay, so what I what I want to share with you in this recording is really the cumulative experience of the better part of ten years of working with men in men in marriage crisis and having having the privilege of seeing hundreds recover their marriage and also hundreds not recover their marriage as well. And as Tony Robbins says, success leaves clues. So people like myself and Rob and Justin here, we have we have a privilege and a unique insight that not everybody gets to see because we get to see you only get to see your story and your side of the story, whereas we get to see everybody's story. And we get to understand the psychologies and the insights and what the men that succeed do, and there is a pattern, and then we get to see also the men that fail and don't recover their marriage, and what they do, and there is there is also a pattern in that as well. So what I want to share today is what those patterns are, both for failure and success. And really the number one thing to understand here that the number one pattern that is going to determine your success or failure is understanding that your wife is a free agent and she has autonomy. She can choose to come back to you, or she can choose not to come back to you, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. And that's just the truth of the situation. And a lot of times, like when we get in these situations, we want to control, and it's not malicious, we want to control, we want to manipulate, we want to influence our wives. And it's like the truth of the matter is it's not possible to do that, and even if it was possible to do that, it's completely unethical. The number one trait of men succeed in in recovering their marriage is that you can't make her come back, you can only create an environment that she would want to come back into. You know, let me let me let me share my screen and get into the presentation because I I want to share this with you and go through this, and and I'll share this at the end. So does everybody have my screen? Yeah, okay. So I've I've titled this Wake Up and Lead. Because in all honesty, like men show up to this, and you're probably on this call today as a marriage training, is relationship training. It isn't, it's leadership training, is what it is. And what's lacking in your leadership in your marriage is not marriage skills, communication skills, interpersonal skills, it's leadership skills. And if we can make that shift from I'm here to save my marriage, to I'm here to be a leader, to lead better, then then your chances of success increase exponentially. So I put here the objective today is to install daily behavioral authority that materially increases the probability of marriage improvement, regardless of your wife's participation. And also to end outcome fixation. Because if you if you only take one thing from this core today, take this outcome fixation will end your marriage. You've got to detach from outcome fixation. The more you're fixated on saving your marriage, the less likely there is of that happening, the more you can detach from the outcome of saving your marriage and focus on becoming an effective leader. You know, and at the end of the day, what I want to say is this is your life's gonna continue regardless of how your marriage ends. Whether it ends in reconciliation or whether it ends in divorce, it doesn't matter. Your life's gonna continue. And it's like what we want to do here is position you for the best possible outcome, regardless of the situation. So the best, even if your marriage ends, you're in the best position, you're in the best possible position to have a relationship with your children, you're in the best possible position for financial settlement, you're in the best possible position for ongoing relationship with your wife or ex-wife, you're in the best possible position to negotiate. All of these things are a reality regardless of whether you reconcile or not. And if you approach this, if you approach the whole marriage reconciliation process from the perspective of I want to navigate this crisis in the best way possible to give me the best possible outcome in every area, regardless of the outcome of my wife coming back, it ends outcome fixation. And a lot of times, like for some men, your marriage is gonna end regardless. Like some there are some men who will be watching this who are just monsters, just flat out monsters, and their wife's not coming back. And it's not going to be possible for them to save their marriage under any circumstances, but it's like it is possible to save your relationship with your children, it is possible to save your fortune, it is possible to save your mental health, it is possible to create the best environment for everybody you love to move forward. And when that becomes the fixation, and go, what is the what is the best way for me to navigate my way through this to create the best outcome for everybody, regardless of how the marriage ends, that's when you that's when you actually start moving into a way and into a process that materially increases the probability of improvement. So we're going to reduce this down to principles. First principle is that insight does not rebuild trust, behavior, or consistency does. And it's like, again, years of years of personal experience here. There are men that show up after call after call after call after call, looking for insight, looking for breakthroughs, looking for looking for emotional stimulation. And it's like if insight stops at insight, it was a waste of everybody's time. Every call you get on, it's like, well, what if you have an insight, then how does that translate into behavioral consistency? How does that change your behavior? That's the only question that matters. So most men here are not failing due to lack of love, effort, or understanding. They're failing due to behavioral incoherence under pressure. Is what they're doing. And look, here's the thing to understand, man. Like, you're not being evaluated for your ceiling, you're being evaluated for your baseline. In in elite environments, tier one, tier one special forces, elite sports, professional sports, professional musicianship, they're not you're not being evaluated for what you do on a good day. You're being evaluated for what we can expect from you on your worst day in the worst circumstances. What is the very least I can if I if I let Justin or Rob loose with my clients, what is what is the worst case scenario on his absolute worst day when he's had no sleep, he's hungry, he's just had a fight with his missus, he's been caught in traffic on the way home, he's got three clients that haven't paid him, and he's in an absolute foul mood. How's he going to behave in that environment? That's what that's what people are being evaluated for in elite environments. You know, and I I know that on a good day, you you you're extremely loving and you can create emotional safety and you can do all of the things that you need to do on a great day, but you're not being evaluated for what you can do on a good day. You're being evaluated for what who will show up under pressure. So what's happening is when you are emotional when you are fixated on the outcome, when you're suffering from outcome fixation, you're emotionally urgent. Your behavior is inconsistent. Your wife's nervous system is reading instability, not your intention. You you're going, I if she could only see how much I love her, if I could only show her this, she's not reading any of that. All she's doing is reading your emotional urgency, your inconsistency, and your instability. And that is what her nervous system is responding to. And in that environment, talking more increases threat to her, not safety. When every time you communicate, you're communicating urgency, inconsistency, and instability. All you're teaching her is that communication equals threat. So here's the non-negotiable truth. And again, like this is this is the culmination of many, many years of experience now. And God, you've been around for a long time, will have seen this. You cannot negotiate attraction or trust. You can only demonstrate leadership through behavior. What do I need to say to rebuild trust? What do I need to say to get her attracted to me again? What do I need to say? It's like nothing. There's nothing you can say. You can only you can't talk your way out of a problem you behaved your way into. You can only behave your way out of a problem you behaved your way into. And you do that through demonstrated leadership. That's it. So any questions around what do I say, wrong question, bro. Wrong question. So when when that's under st when that outcome is corrected, the emotional pressure in the in the relationship drops, the interactions de-escalate, you stop making the situation worse through thinking that you're acting to save your marriage because that's in everybody's uh best interest, but all you're doing is applying pressure, and then space opens up for voluntary re-engagement. The re-engagement happens when safety appears. And safety does not appear through telling her that you're safe now, it appears through emotional regulation and stability. So here's the immediate reaction or immediate action required of you. And again, this this is this is leadership 101. Like this would actually be more valuable if we took this into an employment environment or another environment because then it wouldn't be applied to the marriage because a lot of people are going to be listening to this right now, going, okay, well, I can use this to get the outcome, and I can use that to get the outcome. But here's the action that is required of you. Non-negotiable in 100% of the men that succeed. Stop trying to be understood, stop explaining yourself, and stop seeking emotional confirmation from your wife. There's no exceptions to this. As long as you're doing these things, your marriage is getting worse. Or, you know, as long as you're trying to be understood, trying to explain yourself and trying to, you know, you're needing emotional confirmation. Your marriage is actively getting worse, not better at that point. So the real enemy here is passive identity. So this the principle, the first principle is personality is not who you are, it's what you do repeatedly under stress. Like if I say, What do you know, what do you think of Rob? Rob's solid. What do you think of Justin? Yeah, Justin is is top top guy. What do you think of Mike? Uh Mike is unreliable. What do you think of Dave? Dave on a good day is good, and on a bad day, he's bad. Like all of those evaluations or descriptor descriptors of personality are describing how the person behaves under pressure. It's not describing how they are on a good day. You know, what how's how's Cody? Well, well, Cody's good, he's good, and when he's bad, he's bad. Like this is describing how I behave under pressure, right? It's not describing who I think I am or who I want to be or I'd like to be described as. You're just you're describing how I behave under pressure. Personality is not who you are, it's what you repeatedly do in stress. And if you're coming back and you're doing things, you're trying to be understood, and when pressure comes into the marriage, you're explaining yourself constantly, you're seeking emotional confirmation. Under pressure, you are a monkey with a machine gun. You think, what do you think about Cody? He's a monkey with a machine gun. He's a danger to himself and others. This is the passive identity that we don't see, but this is who the whole universe is reacting to. So right now, your repeated behavior is passive, even if you even if it feels active to you. So passive identity behaviors are waiting for her mood before acting. Adjusting yourself based on her reactions. Right is right. Like do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. Like her reactions are irrelevant. If your behavior is dependent on her reactions, you're manipulative, you're manipulating. What's right is right, and it doesn't require her validation to make it right. Needing reassurance to continue. Interpreting silence is a signal to pursue. For forming change instead of installing structure. Many, many coaching calls I've jumped on and they go, My wife's done this, Cody, and she said that. What does it mean? You know, she's like, what it means is you're a needy little bitch. Is what it means. What it means is you're entirely tethered to her behavior and you're following her around like a little puppy dog, hanging on every word she says. What it means is you're a needy little bitch. Is what it means. It means you're emotionally unstable, it means you operate reactively. What it means is you have no internal structure. What it means is you have no guidance, you have no internal authority, it means she's leading your behavior is based on her reaction, not your authoritative leadership. That's what it means. So the hard distinction here is effort without structure is just noise. Structure with emotion is safety. Or structure without emotion is safety. You see it, I got it here. Number one rule consistent execution, void of emotion. You if you're gonna interact with me, you need to know who you're gonna get regardless of the kind of day that I'm having. If how I interact with you and how I educate or coach or whatever, is dependent on my need, my my mood, it's dangerous. Like my children need to know who their father is, regardless of the day that he's having. Which is structure without emotion. Good parenting is structure without emotion. Good leadership in business is structure without emotion. This is the structure that we operate in this business, regardless of sales, regardless of refund rates, regardless of bottom line, regardless of whether I'm having a good day or a bad day. This is the structure that we operate. These are the standards that we operate from, regardless of emotion. This makes the business safe for employees. It makes the business safe for clients. This is the father that my children are going to get when I get home today, regardless of whether I had a good day or a bad day. Who they receive as a father at the end of the day is dependent on structure, internal structure and authority, not emotion. Structure with emotion is not safety. So the outcome, if this is corrected, right, you stop orbiting her emotional state like a little puppy dog needing validation. You regain your own sense of internal authority. You regain control. Ultimately, if the only thing that you actually truly have control of, which is yourself, you become predictable and grounded. And pressure leaves the system. So when when as a business, when I'm unpredictable, when how I run this business is based on my emotion, it's like there's no safety for the employees. Any interaction with me is going to be pressurized. Because it's dependent on my emotional state, not structure. And that's how many marriages are run. That's how that's how you parent, that's how you manage your marriage. It's it's a pressurized environment because it's not based on structure, it's based on response to her emotions. So the immediate action that's required here is one, stop checking how she feels. Stop asking if things are better. Stop measuring progress emotionally. And from today forth, your behavior does not wait for her permission. Your job as the man of your household is to create the best possible outcome for your family. Not the best possible outcome for you. And as we said at the beginning of this call, regardless of the turn that your marriage takes and how your marriage is going to end, there are many outcomes that are inevitable. They have to happen. And you need to behave in a way that produces the best outcome for your children, the best outcome for your finances, the best outcome for settlements, the best outcome for every possible outcome that's going to happen here, irrespective of her behavior. When you're acting responsively to her emotions and chasing it around, you're giving no thought to the big picture. You're showing no leadership of or no stewardship of the domain that you've been given. So let's move on to trust, the subconscious trust equation, the subconscious, the subconscious trust equation. So the first principle here is your wife's subconscious conscious is not listening to the words, your words, she's tracking your patterns. What she is actually measuring, as are your children, as are your employees, is consistency, emotional regulation, predictability, follow through without reward, and absence of pressure. These are the things that that she's tracking patterns. What breaks that trust is emotional explanations. Explaining your behavior, explaining why she should come back, explaining why you're the best option, explaining why leaving is a bad option. Apologies followed by inconsistency. This is killer. This will kill your marriage faster than anything. It will kill all of your relationships faster than anything. Like people in my life, like they go, I'm sorry, I just don't care. I just don't care. I don't care you're sorry. You've you've you've apologized and you've been inconsistent. I don't care. You've apologized and then you've behaved inconsistently. I don't care. All I care about is this is consist the inconsistency. I'm tracking your pattern of consistency. I'm tracking your predictability. Again, elite selection environments, tier one operators, elite sports. What are they what are they screening for? Consistency. So the core law here is trust is actually rebuilt. No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't think so. The core law here is trust is rebuilt when your behavior does not require her cooperation. It does not change based on her responses and it does not seek validations, which is why outcome fixation is devastating. If your North Star is her behavior, you have no consistency, you have no stability, you have no structure. If your North Star is leadership, effective leadership, Leadership again with the outcome of this is not marriage reconciliation, this is crisis navigation. There are a dozen steps that you're going to have to navigate here regardless of the outcome with your wife. And you start focusing on that and go, who am I the man that needs to be to hold this situation together for the best interest of everybody involved? Then you start to demonstrate leadership, then you start to show internal structure, then you start to show consistency, and then her responses make no difference whatsoever. So the outcome that occurs when this is correct, what corrected, you stop triggering her threat response. Silence becomes neutral instead of dangerous. You become safe to observe again. And again, this is the key term, right? This is not this is what's going to happen before anything happens. Like a lot of men will come to me in the first week, they're like, How do I get my wife to engage? How do I do this? How do I do that? Basically, how do I manipulate the situation? And it's like, well, what's going to happen before anything happens is she's going to observe you. You're going to be observed. And when every interaction creates a necessity of an outcome, a pressure for an outcome, you create an environment where you're unsafe to be even be observed. And people go, Well, I've been kicked out of the house. Yes, well, then the first thing you need to do is create a situation where she's happy to get around you to observe your behavior to where she can see enough consistency. You've been kicked out of the house for a reason. You've been kicked out of the house because she doesn't feel safe. And no amount of talking is going to make her feel safe. The only thing that is going to make her feel safe is observing behavior and seeing new pattern formation that makes her feel safe again. The first step is not how do I initiate conversation, the first step is how do I create an environment where I can be observed from a distance. Nobody believes you. Emotional processes, I understand now, I've connected with my inner child, and I understand why I've done what I've done. All you're doing is telling her that you're not safe to be observed. Your behavior has to speak to her. You don't narrate your behavior. You don't narrate your emotional state or where you're at in the relationship. You show her through your behavior. And it follows predictable patterns. First, you become observed. When she observes authority and structure, devoid of emotion, she allows you closer to her when she when she gets when you become closer to her, you then get to demonstrate changed behavior. This has to be done, right? So one fixed daily action, your subconscious must relearn obedience to you, not your mood. So we need to pick an action. And the requirement that is the same action, the same time, the same duration, it has to be every day, and it has to be independent of outcome. So an example of this can be a 30-minute walk with no phone, 30 minutes physical training, 30 minutes writing, plan uh written planning for tomorrow. So why is this important? Because it's demonstrating structure and obedience to structure devoid of emotion. When you go from no exercise at all, let's say, to just 30 minutes a day, and you do that consistently every single day, and you do that for an extended period of time. I'm not talking 20, I'm not talking like a few days or a week or two weeks, people start to see, people start to notice. Because it starts to demonstrate structure in your life, and it starts to demonstrate that you're now operating from emotionless structure, not emotional reactivity to your mood. So the outcome of this is it restores your own self-trust. You start to believe in yourself again, it starts to install your own internal authority, it starts to reduce your own emotional volatility. When you don't feel like going for a walk and you override that emotion, that's internal authority. You're you're reducing your emotional volatility because you're saying I'm gonna behave in a set way regardless of emotion. You change your diet. Every time you override emotion and you replace what was going to happen emotionally, and what was emotionally driven with structure, you install internal authority. You start to build a man who is loyal to structure, not emotion. You know, one one of the things, like core principle to me, in anybody that's been around me, like in an employment environment, the people that here that have worked with me or for me or whatever, they know I am loyal to principles, not people. I'm loyal to structure, not people. It's like if you violate the principle, you go. I'm not loyal to emotion, and I'm not I'm not loyal to anything, like I'm not loyal to people. I'm loyal, I'm loyal, loyal to structure, and I'm a law and I'm loyal to principle. So before today ends, if you're serious about this, choose one action, choose the time, lock it in. Make a decision that you're not doing right now, that you know you need to do, and lock it in. Same time, same action. For me, it's it's every morning I go for a 30-minute walk or whatever it is. I go, I exercise. So step two, remove a day, remove one daily choice. Choice fuels anxiety, consistency creates calm. This is why your wife says, I want you to choose the restaurant, I want you to take control, I want you to act like the man. Why? Because choice fuels anxiety. Like when you when you go to the woman, even though you think you're saying I'm going to accommodate whatever you want, you're creating anxiety. When she says, I want you to choose, I want you to take control, I want you, when you do that and you do it author, when you do it in a masculine way that's not authoritarian or misogynistic, when you do it with in a place coming from a place of authentic, genuine, masculine leadership, this creates calm in her, calms her, gives her security, it gives her stability. So we want to start practicing this, right? Eliminate one reoccurring decision that occurs in your life permanently. It could be your wake-up time. You wake up at a different time every day, like sometimes it's 5 45, sometimes it's 6 15. Make it five o'clock, make it six o'clock. Your wake-up time isn't random, your training time isn't random, your shutdown time isn't random, the first action of the day isn't random. Remove a choice. Put some constraint in place. That's leadership. Decide once, never, never revisit. So the outcome of that is it reduces your mental noise, it's faster decision-making and increases internal stability. So, a good example of this is you look at Mark Zuckerberg, right? Wears a blue top with a hoodie every day. Why? Like he's actively says it's one less decision that I have to make. I'm the CEO of Facebook and Meta and everything else. Like I face a million decisions on a daily basis. I need to eliminate decisions wherever I can. So that's one decision I can easily eliminate. Chooses the same clothes every single day. This is a billionaire. So decide the time, write it down, do not debate it. Next. Emotional trap neutrality. The principle emotional processing without behavioral correction increases your weakness. This is why when we get on these calls and we do hot seats and people talk about their like it. It's increasing instability. The emotional processing has to end in behavioral change. So the rules are no journaling about Felix. No interpretating her behavior, no emotional evaluation of the process. This increases weakness, increases instability. There are only two questions that are allowed. What is my next executable action? Did I execute it? And we've already established hopefully your wife doesn't need to see that you understand your feelings and what went wrong, and you have insight into the problems in the marriage. She needs to see change. She's only going to respond to consistent, behaviorally demonstrated patterns. So what's the next executionable step? And then did I execute it? Again, what's the outcome of this? Emotional regulation stabilizes. Reactivity decreases, and authority returns. It comes down to many of you have heard me say it many times. Do you want to get better or do you want to feel better? If you want to feel better, process your emotions. Just talk about how you feel. Have some breakthrough about why you do what you do. Talk about your inner child. Talk about the shadow. Talk about all those things. You're going to feel great. At the end of it, you're going to go, well, I understand now why I behave badly. The only thing that does nothing for your marriage. The only thing that will change your marriage is behavioral correction. That's it. If this call does not end in behavioral correction, it was a waste of time. So again, action steps, zero seven days, zero emotional analysis, execution only. So section five, applying this when she's non-cooperative. So the principle is reconciliation does not require cooperation, it requires non-reactive consistency. That's all it needs. What most men get wrong is they try to create closeness. They seek reassurance from her that it's or or from me or from other people that things are going in the right direction. And they apply pressure through improvement. Why the question is why are you improving? There's always, always, always backfires. One of the most common things I hear is like she's not recognizing my improvements. I've made all these changes and she's not seeing any of them. Well, there's a couple of things going on there. Either one, you don't understand that you're being evaluated. And in that evaluation, she's not looking to see, she's not disputing that you've improved, she's looking if this is consistent, if there's consistency, she's looking for patterns. Are there consistency here in the improvement? Or is this temporary? And she's not going to tell you until she makes a determination. Or you haven't improved. It's an illusion. But nevertheless, like every time you go to your wife and tell her you've improved, you're creating pressure. Why are you telling her you've improved? Because you're trying to move her in a direction she may or may not want to go in. The only position is I'm going to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. And I'm telling you, man, like the the example of this for me is it's the Hebrew children in the furnace with Nebuchadnezzar, when Nebuchadnezzar says, Bow down to my God statue, and they say, We're not doing it. And he's then the Hebrew children say, uh the the Nebuchadnezzar says to the Hebrew children, then I'm going to throw you in the furnace and burn you. And they say, Well, so be it. I believe that if we the Hebrew children said, We believe that if we do the right thing, God will show up and save us. But if he doesn't, so be it, we'll burn. So be it. I would rather do the right thing and burn than do the wrong thing and live. And that is it, and all about it in a nutshell. Like if you if you're going, I'm going to do the right thing because I know that if I do the right thing, salvation will show up in this marriage, then you failed. The only position that works is I'm going to do this because it's the right thing to do, and I believe that if I do the right thing, my marriage will be saved. But if it isn't saved, so be it. I would rather this marriage end and me do the right thing. Then do the wrong thing. And that and that's that's true leadership, right? That that is ultimately that's when men will follow you. That's when women, that's when people will follow you when you go, this is the mission is we're gonna do the right thing. A good statement for that in business is people before profits. The mission statement, the mission of the business is people before profits. Well, it's a nice statement, but is it true? Sounds great, right? Like you tell you tell employees and clients and everybody, people before profits, people before profits. But only under pressure do you find out if that's true or not? And what about if people have what about if you know people come at the expense of profits down the road? It's like, well, then it was never true in the first place, was it? It was never true. It was just a manipulation to get the best employees and get the best clients. It was a manipulation. So what actually works? Calm consistency, zero pursuit, no emotional bidding, and predictable structure. So the core standard here, the goal is not closeness with your wife or reconciliation or any outcome whatsoever with her. The goal is stability without pursuit. That's the goal. Can you stabilize as a man? Can you become stable, reliable, predictable, and safe? Completely detached from the outcome. I'm doing all the work and I it's all about me and the changes and the stability. And then you get on a coaching call with him, and he's like, I've had enough of this bitch. Had a barbecue with her this week, and she's she's told me that she appreciates my changes, but it's still over. Had enough of this bitch. It's like, yeah. She saw she she she saw through all of it, didn't she? It was all a manipulation. You didn't change because it was the right thing to do. You changed because it was a manipulation and your outcome fixated. And when you didn't get the outcome you expected, not only did you stop the changes, you resented the changes that you'd made. You resented them. And thank God your wife sees you, see through you, and left you. So, what happens if you can you can maintain stability through instability? Threats decrease, curiosity may return, or it may not. An engagement, re-engagement with your wife becomes voluntary, not forced. So again, here's the action for those of you who are gonna succeed. Stop initiating emotional conversations. Like one of the most common questions we get here is how do I initiate a conversation? You don't. Wrong thing to do, stop checking for signs. This is this is the farmer who plants the seed and then digs it up every three minutes to go, I need to know if it's growing. I need to the only way the seed is going to grow, you put it in the soil and you leave it. And when does the sprout, when does it sprout? When it feels like it. Zero. All you can do is stability as a farmer. You know the season to plant. You plant, you water, you nurture, you protect, you do the right thing, and if the crop shows up, it shows up, and if it doesn't, it doesn't. If you keep digging it up, you will cause the crop to fail. Is there a guarantee you're gonna get a crop? No, absolutely not. But if you keep checking for signs, it's guaranteed there is a guarantee you will not get a crop. That's the guarantee. And the last action is stop trying to show change. Let structure speak for itself, let her observe it. And even better is I don't care if she sees it or not, because this has nothing to do with her. This is about me becoming non-reactive. This is about me operating from structure, not emotion. This is about me transitioning from a child to an adult. This is about me taking a position of responsibility, not victimhood. This is about me owning my situations and owning my outcomes and not blaming it on other people. This is about me learning how to choose a stable path through every situation, whether that be there's gonna come a time when you're gonna get bad news. And it's about me becoming the man that can handle that no matter what. This is about me learning leadership. And at the end of the day, man, you have to lead your family irrespective of whether you're you if your wife leaves you, leaves you, and she doesn't come back, your leadership doesn't end. If you've got children, if you've got commitments together, your your leadership does not end. And whether your wife chooses to come back or not does not invalidate that position. You are not relieved of your leadership position. So the only position that you can take that is effective long term is I need to become a better leader, regardless. And you can't fake it. So closing standards and a warning, right? So this works in your marriage, in your health, in wealth, in spiritual authority. Because the aim is the same everywhere. It's drift, it's inconsistency, and it's emotional reactivity. Your finances are not where they want to be because you're inconsistent. And those of you who whose finances are where you want them to be, it's because you've been consistent. You built a business and you remained consistent through the hard times. You didn't become emotionally reactive and have a meltdown every time there was an economic downturn. If you have a stable property portfolio, the term is right, safe hands. If you're a safe pair of hands, it's because you're not emotionally reactive to what's going on. If interest rates go up, you don't emotionally react to that. You go, what is my path through this? If your health is where you want it to be, it's because you've overcome emotional reactivity. You've said no to the things you want, and you've said yes to the things that are not emotionally satisfying. You go to the gym when you don't feel like it, and you say no to the hamburger when you do feel like it. Any of these areas, if you're winning, you've showed consistency and emotional regulation. If you're losing is because you've been highly inconsistent and highly emotionally reactive. So the warning. So men who look for reassurance from their wife, monitor the progress emotionally, and need visible feedback will categorically fail. Categorically. And look, there are men that have done all these things. They've looked for reassurance, they've been horrible men, and their wives have still come back. But let me tell you why they come back, because they've seen the other side, and the other side is worse than staying there. They've become scared, like a 50-year-old or 60-year-old woman has gone out and realized that the world is not what it was 40 years ago. She's realized that financial insecurity is there. She's realized that lack of safety is there, like there's emotional inconceivation. She would rather be with the devil she knows than the devil that she doesn't. There's a dozen reasons, and it's why you can look at a number of in any program, any marriage program, right, that's out there. There's going to be testimonials and stories of reconciliation because a certain percentage were going to reconcile anyway because the woman just got scared. She just decided that, like, well, this is worse than I thought it was, and I'm going back, not because I love him and because he's improved, because he's the best of a bunch, he's the best of the worst options. And I posit to you, that is not what you want. You will have a dead marriage, you'll have a loveless marriage, you'll have a passionless marriage, you'll have a marriage that your wife is with you simply because she literally doesn't feel like she can leave, or leaving is the worst option. And after leaving, she's now realized that it's the worst option. She hasn't come back to you because you've won. Men who install structure, execute consistently without feedback, and stay consistent without an audience, see improvement that they didn't expect, that they didn't understand, and they don't know why. It's happening. So a final command here, and then we'll do a quick QA. How are we doing for time? Start tonight. Start today. Don't announce you're doing it. Don't explain what you're doing. Don't ask permission. Don't tell her what you're doing. Don't tell her you're changing. Your behavior changes first. And then everything else follows it, or it doesn't. Either way, you regain authority, either way, you become authentic leadership. And either way, you you walk away from your situation knowing that you actually really did the best you could do. You don't ever have to look back and go, if only, what about? Like that. This is this is the way forward. So that's my presentation.